I just got finished watching a documentary on social anxiety. I didn't seek it out, I was actually watching a 20/20 episode on Howie Mandel and his struggle with OCD when I saw this documentary in the side bar.
At one point, I began to cry. I was reminded about something that has been bothering me lately. A lot. Back in May, I think, Stephen's dad came to visit for a few days. One day, he wanted to take family pictures. I was already having a hard time. After all, he stayed with us. Him and his 3 other kids from another marriage. They're great, and I think we offered, but it was still absolutely terrifying. I was so stressed out. It's hard for me to share such small quarters with so many people. Kids, especially. I just can't communicate on their level. I was hardly able to sleep, and I think the precious few moments of sleep I did manage were because of the exhaustion of having guests.
Anyway, he wanted us to take pictures. I was already freaking out because he wanted to do them on a very big, busy campus. When I couldn't find parking, there was a brief hallelujah chorus. Then I suggested we do them at this nearby park which isn't usually busy.
All parties agreed. I was so miserable already. For some reason, my back was particularly angry that day, it was sunny, I felt ugly, horrific, and sleep-deprived, and nervous as Hell for the awkward family pictures that were to ensue. I had the camera, and therefore, the reponsibility. It was quite weighty. I'm NOT a photographer. I don't want to tell people where to be, how to look, I don't want to count, I just didn't want to participate. I wanted to run and hide. Maybe catch an hour of sleep!
Well, it was uncomfortable to say the least.
On the field, the three parties met up (Stephen and I, Levi and Rachel, Stephen's dad and his three kiddos). Since this was Rachel's first time meeting their dad, I thought to give them space. Apparently, it wasn't subtle, because she asked why we were so far away. And, embarrassed, I just shuffled a bit closer with Stephen. I didn't want to be the first to speak.
It was kind of a blur. The sun was bugging me (I never see it), and I was leaving my body because of the anxiety. Their dad gave us some kind of instruction and told me to be the photographer. Holy. Hell. I can't do this. I tried to buck up (ie: ignore evey negative thought and feeling coursing through my body) and give some advice "L-let's get those trees in the shot because...they're nice." Now that I think of it, we had a freaking art teaching major there. Why didn't we make her do it?
I took a few bad pictures. They were cute because of the family part, but they had nothing to do with my (lack of) photography skills. Then Stephen's dad took pictures of Levi and Rachel and the kids. I'd refused to have my picture taken. It was awkward. That's like...social phobe 101. We don't like getting our picture taken!
I could hardly speak at this point. I just tried to leave my body and go somewhere else. I just didn't want to be there. Then their dad said we should go out to eat. Ohmybloodyfreakingheck. "Sure!".
Rachel suggested Dennys (a good choice, IMO). So off we went. Of course we were seated in the middle of the freaking room, with no walls or large seat to have my back against. They may as well have been metal foldy chairs. They were horrible. At this point, I could hardly speak at all. I had Levi and Rachel (who we'd missed their wedding, but I offered a double date the next day. I figured things were better than they had been). Then I have these three, pretty well-behaved kids I'd need to try to speak with. And then I had Stephen's outgoing, friendly dad who was trying to get a feel for his new family situation.
Oye vey.
I could not find a comfortable position in that chair. It was just a steady, achey burn that just nagged at my flanks and lower back. I snuck a few pain-killers in and gulped them down with the warmish soda they'd given me (I hate warm soda). I tried very hard to find something interesting to talk about with the kiddos. The only thing I have remotely in common with them is that one of them plays the violin. That was a brief talk. Luckily, the kids had crayons and coloring books or something to keep them occupied. The twins are quiet in public anyway. Thus, making things even more awkward.
And Rachel was just drawing the whole time, really. She'd occasionally try to talk to the kids too, but they weren't interested in the different species of turtles. I actually learned something. And I like turtles. She was high-strung and just...loud, and that always gets me antsy.
Anyway...still trying to separate myself from the exscrutiating experience, I did my best to join whatever conversation was available (while still giving Rachel and Stephen's dad some space to get to know eachother), but they were few. I just wanted to leave, really. And they both ubruptly left pretty soon after the food arrived. It was annoying (because they always seemed to do that), but whatever would get it over with works for me.
For some reason, I'd gone to the mall for something thereafter. Stephen went to work. At some point, I thought it would be good to convey my satisfaction with Rachel's choice. It wasn't a big compliment, but it was honest. And I know it can be scary to meet parents for the first time. Also, I was trying to be friends after the stupid, dramatic wedding fiasco. I'd offered to go to dinner with them before, but it was never accepted until I offered again after their wedding day.
Anyway, I sent the text: "Denny's was a good choice. Tell Rachel I said thanks." Or something very similar. What I got back though, was confusing. "I will. She still thinks you guys hate her, by the way".
Woah there. First of all, did what I just said sound like hate? Second, what about our double date? She seemed fine then. Now I feel lied to, because they were both acting like everything was fine. Of course it wasn't fine, but I didn't think it was on the level of hate. Last time I checked, you don't go to dinner with someone you hate. At least I don't. Maybe I'm weird like that.
Okay...I'll be honest. That's the best policy. "I never said I hated her. I just think she's loud and annoying." He replied "She's only like that in public!" I've heard that one before. And I said what I've always said "Okay, then I'll meet her in private." At one point before all of this, I remember adding "I want to see what you see in her." It was never followed up on. I guess I have to do everything.
Quite soon I realized what had actually happened. "You hardly even looked at her!" Or something. Maybe it was "You didn't look at her enough." That's all I really remember, is that I didn't look at her enough. And that's what really hurt. Someone would judge me, a VERY mentally ill person, on whether I look at someone enough? Not just that, but that someone was examining me that closely in a social situation. It really, really, really hurt. And I was very confused. He was always giving her exuses. Whenever she was acting grumpy or sad it was: "she's mentally ill". But I'm just as mentally ill (if not more), and he's judging me on how often I look at someone?!
Your wife is meeting your dad for the first time. You think you'd focus on that. Or maybe these half-siblings you never see. Your brother. You're going to focus on ME?
*Rant Alert We missed his wedding because his family is a cluster **ck of monstrous, immature jerks. We were awake and dressed, and we had our present for them ready. And that's when I saw what their mom did. It was too much. I didn't and still don't know why these complete strangers were being such a-holes to me. And to Stephen, for that matter.
I disliked Rachel at first because a) I hate otaku, b) she was loud which, as a hypervigillant social phobe, I really, really, didn't like, and c) she swore at one of my best friends. Over nothing! She came in with a rotten attitude and then swore at my autistic friend!
In hindsight, it may have been harsh, but she wasn't allowed at my house after that. We did hang out on Halloween, but that had disastrous results because of her bad attitude. And I told Levi every time the subject came up that I was annoyed by her, but that I would be happy to meet her if I'm getting the wrong impression. He'd just get defensive and say he didn't want to talk about it.
Ultimately, I did have the wrong impression. She's fine when she's not high-strung. Especially when it's just me and her, I have a pretty good time. She's a girl, so I get more anxious because of that, but we jive on a lot of ideals, and we both love sweets and asian food! She's also pretty blunt and TMI, which is a rare gift that I thoroughly appreciate. Especially in a woman. *
They'd been examining me. My actions at a stupid dinner! No mercy for me. I didn't look at her enough. Even though she was drawing in her book 98% of the time. And I know this because I LOOKED at her. I looked at everyone. What the hell? And what is enough? I have my own problems. Would you do this to anyone else? So now when he's around, I always feel like I'm being watched. You know? It really sucks. And it makes me act all weird and self-conscious.
Eventually, after plenty of texts and two calls that weren't picked up, I drove to their mom's house and basically pushed the door open when it was answered. I was nearly distraught at this point, yelling and crying (I think). All I remember saying was "How dare you!?" Over and over. Rachel emerged amidst the fury and acted as mediator for the rest of the time. More like a spokesperson.
This is where I learned that a) she thinks I invited Levi - and not her - to a birthday party I was throwing for both of the twins, and b) Laurel told her about Stephen's infidelity. And they both questioned why I was "so mad at the woman".
First of all, what the hell? That was Stephen's birthday party. And, at first, he didn't want to invite Levi. I thought we'd be nice and at least invite him (and I knew deep down that Stephen wanted his brother to come too) - I thought he'd decline because his new wife would have something planned. Surely. She's much more social than I.
To my surprise, Levi said: "Rachel doesn't have anything planned for my birthday." I figured this meant that she was busy and would be throwing a party later. Or that she had a previous engagement. Why else wouldn't she have something planned? And Levi certainly didn't hint at anything.
Apparently, she was very upset about it and Levi gave absolutely no indication this was the case. This is also very hurtful. Why would he just let her be mad at me/have her feelings hurt? Why not just decline to come? I'm glad he did come, but I'm sure his wife would've appreciated him staying with her. And now she's upset with me! And that's apparently okay.
I was just trying to be nice. I didn't want anyone to be left out. Had I known she would be in town, I wouldn't have invited him.
Then, there's the whole Laurel being a gossip thing. I'm over it by now. That's just who she is. She'll get part of a story and spin it to everyone she knows. I've heard enough of them myself, I should've known she'd be saying many about me. I really don't think I'm that noteworthy though... I guess I should be flattered?
That bothered me a lot. It still does. How is something so private anyone's business? Stephen and I and Karyn are the only people who have the right to talk about it at all. And I do, but that's my right. Not Laurel's. I only told her so she'd shut up about Karyn. Can you believe she ASKED Stephen if he still talked to her? After he and I were married?
Yeah. She just saw Karyn riding a bike down that street by BYU as we passed, and she asked Stephen if he talked to her anymore. He shouldn't be talking to her anymore. I told Stephen to just tell her, so I didn't have to hear about Karyn anymore. She sucks.
And suddenly that gives Laurel permission to yap about it to whoever. She said it was basically vengeance for posting publically on Facebook that she wasn't unfriending Karyn after I asked her to and that she hated me. And, guess what? I was only telling the truth, and I used supporting facts. She is using pure speculation. And she said it to a lot of people. Including Rachel, who wasn't my Facebook friend, so I don't see how that subject could've even come up in a normal conversation.
Anyway, this documentary just brough back a lot of hurt. I'm mentally ill, and somehow I don't get any breaks. Our friends "hating" Rachel was my fault. They didn't, but I still got yelled at for it. Stephen never heard a word about it and neither did my friends (which would make more sense, right? If they're the ones who "hate" her so much?).
It's just that, I'm chemically wired to be like this. I couldn't control it. Why does she get a break for everything and I don't get one for anything? Why are people always assuming the worst about anything I do? I'm very honest, they can ask me. It's always the worst. I'm always out to get everyone. I am trying very hard to hurt people, apparently. No. The only person I've ever tried to hurt in my life is Karyn. And I tried very hard. Creep-level hard.
Ugh. And that was never resolved, to my knowledge. Rachel still doesn't know that I wasn't trying to be mean or exclusive. I was trying to be nice. What's with that family?
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