How are you?

How am I what? This question is so odd for me, and probably for you too. Everyone expects you to say "good" and maybe start a conversation, but I feel like a liar when I say "good".

There are times in my life where I am actually feeling good, but usually, especially around people, it's not good. Not always bad, but not usually good. It's more like...bemused, aloof, "somewhere else". But you can't really say that without getting more questions, and it's hard to explain what that means.

My brain is always somewhere else, so it's easier to just say "good". I think that's the case for most people.

Growing up is weird.

There is so much weirdness to growing up that I could go on for hours, but I'd rather focus on one aspect that's been on my mind and that is making and losing friends. 

I grew up with one best friend. We were extremely close in elementary school from the age of 5. She was way smarter than me, so as we got older, we had fewer classes together, but we still hung out whenever possible. Middle school came by and we drifted apart even more due to scholastic differences and also clique differences (I was in this punk group, it was awesome!). Then high school came. We had virtually no classes together except orchestra (where she would sometimes play the trumpet). I hung out with her and her friends during lunch. I guess they were my friends, too, but I was the bad influence. I was different. 

And the main thing that made me different was school. They were all just amazing students who got amazing grades and had amazing prospects for future scholastic success. While I was just barely passing, probably going nowhere, suffering with mental health issues. 

I thought things would change after high school, but they didn't. In fact, we're all now further apart because of religious and political differences. It's strange how these subtle things can get to me. And I almost know it's not just me who feels this way. I can't relate to them anymore. We feel differently and sometimes strongly about our beliefs. We offend each other with our differing views. 

It's weird how those things get in the way, especially since I've always considered myself a tolerant person (not tolerant of B.S., but of differences). Anyway, I haven't seen that best friend in 2 years and we don't talk much. I've made some really great new friends, but it's just weird losing the old ones over these kinds of differences. They're big differences, but still. 

Great week!

My terrible week...and a half? It's gone. This week is going to be much better. It's already much better.

My sleep schedule is a hot mess right now, which is usually a bad thing, but last night (this morning?) I got to reading my favorite book in the scriptures: Moroni. Nephi gets all the press, but I actually think he's a little full of himself and somewhat obnoxious (shhh, don't tell!). Moroni and Mormon had the right idea. They're geniuses, basically.

Either way, chapter 7 & 10 speak to my soul. Frankly, they're what have kept me in the church when other people insist on trying to mess everything up. To say I have a testimony of those chapters is a light way of putting it.

Anyway, it had been raining that day, which was awesome! Work went by pretty quickly, I got to be on the make-line, and I was in a good mood the whole time. I'm in a good mood now. I'll probably be in a good mood tomorrow. I'm still not ecstatic about my weight gain, but I should learn to let that noise go. My body is not mine.

Yes, I realized that my body is not mine. I have no control over it. Maybe I can manage it through exercise or something, but it's gonna lose weight when it wants, it's gonna gain weight when it wants, my kidneys will grow as big as they want, and I'm gonna look pregnant and be uncomfortable if it's what my body wants. I can't afford to care about my shape, and I should enjoy what I have while I have it, because it's just gonna get worse.

Another thing I realized? Life is not one-size-fits-all. You know how I was comparing myself to everyone else the other day? Why would I (or anyone else) do that? I'm not everyone else! So I'm not good at the whole "school" thing, but I'd rather have awesome life experiences (advocation in India, mass disaster response, saving a life, etc.) than a bachelor's degree and a boring desk job. My goal is not money, fame, or wealth, it's purpose, joy, and service.

In conclusion, talking to yourself is helpful sometimes. Praying and making time for things that count is also helpful. Don't be too busy living life that you forget to love it. Do what makes you happy! The end.

Benzos? VENT!

I don't know. I guess I am doing poorly. I'm actually thinking of taking benzos again. I still have cognitive issues (memory loss, mild retrograde amnesia) from that from last time! But I'm just feeling like absolute barf as of late. Not sure why, everything is going pretty well, generally.

I have a nice apartment. I have a job. I'm in school. I have the best husband in the world. Not sure what I have to complain about. But I was thinking about it lately, as I'm trying to get into my Mortuary Science program. I'm freakishly worried I won't make it in time for the 2015 class and I just don't want to be in school for the rest of my life - trying to do something everyone else seems to do so easily.

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. It's always kinda been like this. I'm always behind the curve. It wouldn't be the end of the world, I could just go into the 2016 program, but then I'd want to do something in between. And I would really like to do EMT stuff. *I just want to make a difference. Saving a life? Just one life? That would make my life worth living.* Problem is, and it's something that's kept me from doing a lot of things, is my freaking anxiety.

I like to be in denial about how serious it is - "I'm just an inside person.", "I just don't get people, they're not like me.", "I'm tired." - but honestly, it's debilitating and somehow embarrassing. It's easy for me to be inside, but I can't even function normally. It's hard to hold a job. I get headaches after 3 hours of church! Conversations are a nightmare for me and it's really hard to speak when your throat is closing up, your heart is racing, and your mind is getting foggy. Why does that happen?

Anyway, I'm just tired of this holding me back from everything. I've taken clonazepam for it before, and it really worked, but there were just so many side-effects that I had to stop. But now I'm just thinking it's worth it. Maybe counselling could work, but maybe not. Maybe I'm just screwed no matter what. Either way, I just want to not be held back anymore.

Speaking of back, my kidneys have really been acting up this week. It's frightening. I don't know if I'll be able to work at all. So...what's the point? What is the point trying to have a decent, productive, normal life? If I take clonazepam in order to work, would my sacrifice be in vain because of my back? Would I then have to take narcotics too? This just seems unfair. Maybe that's why I'm mad.

EFF weight.

You know what? I've gained 20 pounds in 4 months!!!! I say 4 because I'm not sure when I was last weighed (pretty sure it was late December), but I went from 210lbs (pre health issues) to 154lbs (height of PKD discovery) to 175!?!?! UUUGGGHGGGGGHHH!

I mean DANG, Gina! I'm getting a rec membership. I mean...I know it's futile. Some day, people will ask me if I'm pregnant all the time from the giant nasties crowding my abdominal cavity. But I want to have my vanity days! I have control now!

Well...maybe I should be worried. Perhaps it's just kidney growth? Eh. Dunno.

It's been a rough week.

Sometimes I just don't understand why we insist on hurting each other. Why we can't apologize, forgive, or be forgiven. Why it's so hard to just love one another.

I am grateful for every single day I have with Stephen. If I had it my way right now, I'd have no other care in the world other than spending all the time I have with him. We're soulmates. I can't emphasize this enough. I'm so happy with him! But I have other things going on. I'm scared, sad, frightened, hurt, and angry.

I can't understand how someone can live the life I've lived and still manage to get hurt. I don't trust many people. I cut out any drama and negative people as much as I can. I love when I can, as much as I can. I apologize when I need to and I open my heart and mind to possibility. And yet, I've been hurt. Sometimes it feels like I've been stabbed and left to bleed, but I won't die. I'm just bleeding on a street and watching everyone pass by. I'm in pain, but everyone has somewhere to be. They don't look twice.

So I get up. I file in line with everyone else and pretend everything is fine. Nobody likes a coward, after all. But I feel it with every step. Sometimes I can't help but sit back down, weakened, and watch the blood pour out - wondering why no one will help.

Yeah...and I definitely feel like fried rice right now.

It's too much.

I have a bone to pick, and I don't mean to rub anyone the wrong way (I know it will), but this has been brought up a couple of times this week and it's been on my mind. It's also kind of personal, so...here goes:

I always hear about "the world" pressuring women to have careers and work and all that. Maybe it does, I haven't noticed, because I'm a little biased (always wanted a career!). But you know what I have noticed? Pressure from the church to be a mom.

Please don't get me wrong: I love the gospel. I support 98% of church dealings. But I can't go to church anywhere without seeing or hearing something about families. Makes sense, as it is a family-centered gospel, but it seems like it's being rubbed in constantly that women's divine purpose is to bear children and be stay-at-home-moms.

I feel a LOT of pressure to be a stay-at-home-mom, but even more to bear children. It's essential to God's plan. It's so important. And I agree it's essential, but some of us have a hard time with the whole bearing children thing. I'm not even infertile and I am so hurt when all I ever hear about is why I'm a female.

Which I don't agree with. I'm a female because that's just me! There is divinity in womanhood alone. I know I'm a female because of reasons other than being a mother. But I can't help but get angry or, more likely, sad when I feel this giant weight on my back to have kids.

Pregnancy alone could kill me. If I could carry a child to full term, it would only be with expensive blood-thinning shots and close monitoring of my blood pressure - so I don't develop eclampsia and die. So how is it again that my purpose is to bear children? Does that makes sense to you, because it doesn't to me.

And that's just me having pregnancy difficulties. Some women just can't get pregnant period. Many women also have thrombophillia and can't carry to full term. Others also have chronic illnesses, dangerous genetic issues, anatomical abnormalities, or any other plethora of problems. It's just strange to me that we insist on pretending every woman has the ability to bear children - as if that's all we're good for.

Anyway, that's my beef. And not everyone thinks this way, but too many people do, and it's causing some of us a lot of undue stress and despair. I know with close monitoring and medication, I'll probably be fine, but some people don't have that.

Oh life...

New thing I noticed: I think of gluing my lips together when I hold krazy glue. Other than that, this has nothing to do with my previous post, so don't worry yourselves or anything. I've just been thinking and...

Life is not as great as everyone says it is. And that's okay. You know, I remember writing a paper in elementary school. It was about my greatest fear, which happened to be growing old. I was terrified of getting old. And now that my wish is granted...I'm not sure how to feel about it anymore.

I still don't want to get old, but I gained something I didn't have back then - a companion. I have family and such that I just love to death, but there is something about having someone who promised "to have and to hold" that just breaks my heart when I think of permanently checking out. He's so wonderful.

I don't want him to marry someone else, but how can I wish that when I could die as early as 10 years from now? He deserves someone to love. I wish he had the option to be as carefree as many of our peers. I mean, everyone has problems, but he married into one without knowing.

Tangent? I'm just sick of all these so called "support forums" where everyone is just saying: "Keep your chin up!" "Keep hoping!" "Don't read anything on the internet - it's scary!" No, it's information. And you ought not to give people false hope - especially your family. It's okay to know the facts. It's okay to face death and be scared. It's okay to fight, rather than hide behind delusions of things staying the same. They won't. And sure, it's a slow and painful disease, but it can turn on you in an instance. Aneurysm, heart attack...it's not just a kidney thing. And of course there is worse out there. Much worse. But that doesn't mean this isn't very serious.

I digress, my objective from the beginning was to share how much terror I save myself by admitting that life isn't that amazing all the time. And from what I hear about heaven, it's much better. I'm lucky! Take a step back from all the heart-warming stories you hear and live day to day. What do you see? About 10 times as many atrocities. Those happen to people. They suffer. People are suffering, and there isn't much we can do but stand by and watch. I don't like that! Life is hard! Life is so hard and unfair. And normal people have to live with it for 90 or so years. I have the gift of an early leave.

I don't know. I probably (definitely) sound crazy, but I want peace. Don't be sad for me, I am sad for you.

Pretty sure I'm suicidal.

And not exactly in the emo way, but in a way that I'm always thinking of ways to off myself. And sometimes not just thinking, I'm like...urged.

Getting gas, I can't hold the keys in my hand because I'm tempted to start the engine. I often think of moving a bit to the right or left to collide with other cars on the freeway. When I'm about to plug in my laptop, I want to put the connector in my mouth. I think of getting shot when I sit by a window front in a restaurant. I sometimes think of taking ibuprofen (an NSAID) instead of acetaminophen so my kidneys will fail faster.

Those are just the ones I can think of right now. It's really weird, but I think everyone has these thoughts. Right?

Hola!

I've been getting a lot of views. Hmmm....

Anyway, I just watched Mulan for the first time in a few years. It is one of my favorite Disney movies with one of my favorite Disney princesses; Mulan. Though I doubt she really counts. I also like Esmeralda, but she's not a princess either. I guess I'm just not a princess type of gal.

Well, I shed a few tears. I'm not sure if it was the moving, extremely powerful music score or the story itself and the commentary on women's oppression, but wow. I don't remember being that moved. But it did remind me of how...feel-y I am.

My patriarchal blessing says I'm "pure of heart" but I think that's just a nice way of putting it. You know, I have been so sad lately because I feel like I'm alone. I have these health challenges that no around me seems to have or know about. They run my life, yet I can't talk to anyone because a) no one cares or b) they have their own problems to worry about.

Add that to the fact that my interests and hobbies are different and my style of communication is off-putting. People call it "TMI", but I call it being upfront. I value honesty right up there with compassion at the highest level. But that's a rant for another day. Other than that, I actually have a mental disorder. I don't know why, but I get super anxious just talking to people. My heart races, my head gets foggy...I mean, I get headaches after going to church for 3 hours.

Anyway, I was just feeling so alone and I'm glad this movie got to remind me (in a completely inappropriate and embarrassing way) that I am pure of heart. I'm proud of that. It's all I got. I'm not exceptionally talented, charming, beautiful, or smart, but I have a good squishy bit in my chest that makes me cry during movies made for children.

Steve needs to be a dad.

Today is one of those days where I want to have a baby. I won't, because I'm not that crazy. Yet. But, Steve would make the cutest babies and he'd definitely be the best father in the world! He's already a favorite uncle because he's just naturally amazing around kids. Go figure.

I'm sure it will leave soon, but I can just see Steve and me, Joanna, Asher, and Bug (the pug). Happy family. :)

It's PKD Awareness Month.

Celebrate.