Oh life...

New thing I noticed: I think of gluing my lips together when I hold krazy glue. Other than that, this has nothing to do with my previous post, so don't worry yourselves or anything. I've just been thinking and...

Life is not as great as everyone says it is. And that's okay. You know, I remember writing a paper in elementary school. It was about my greatest fear, which happened to be growing old. I was terrified of getting old. And now that my wish is granted...I'm not sure how to feel about it anymore.

I still don't want to get old, but I gained something I didn't have back then - a companion. I have family and such that I just love to death, but there is something about having someone who promised "to have and to hold" that just breaks my heart when I think of permanently checking out. He's so wonderful.

I don't want him to marry someone else, but how can I wish that when I could die as early as 10 years from now? He deserves someone to love. I wish he had the option to be as carefree as many of our peers. I mean, everyone has problems, but he married into one without knowing.

Tangent? I'm just sick of all these so called "support forums" where everyone is just saying: "Keep your chin up!" "Keep hoping!" "Don't read anything on the internet - it's scary!" No, it's information. And you ought not to give people false hope - especially your family. It's okay to know the facts. It's okay to face death and be scared. It's okay to fight, rather than hide behind delusions of things staying the same. They won't. And sure, it's a slow and painful disease, but it can turn on you in an instance. Aneurysm, heart attack...it's not just a kidney thing. And of course there is worse out there. Much worse. But that doesn't mean this isn't very serious.

I digress, my objective from the beginning was to share how much terror I save myself by admitting that life isn't that amazing all the time. And from what I hear about heaven, it's much better. I'm lucky! Take a step back from all the heart-warming stories you hear and live day to day. What do you see? About 10 times as many atrocities. Those happen to people. They suffer. People are suffering, and there isn't much we can do but stand by and watch. I don't like that! Life is hard! Life is so hard and unfair. And normal people have to live with it for 90 or so years. I have the gift of an early leave.

I don't know. I probably (definitely) sound crazy, but I want peace. Don't be sad for me, I am sad for you.