I don't know what it is, but lately I've been feeling really alone. Even though my husband is always there, it's like he would leave me at any moment. We have a strong bond, and I know it's there, but I just can't feel it right now. I don't see my friends much anymore. I don't see my family that much and, when I do, PKD always manages to work itself into a conversation and they don't want to talk about it too much. I asked if my parents would be tested (because my sister gave clues that she is concerned she could have it) and my other sister replied that "no one wants to be tested".
Which I can understand, but I highly doubt any of them actually have it. With my mom, it would have been seen in the ultrasounds with her pregnancies. My dad is about 60 and has no PKD-related health issues other than high blood pressure. It doesn't skip generations. I am convinced that I'm a spontaneous mutation, but I can't seem to convince them of that. I'd like them to get tested so they'd stop worrying and we can talk about it. I understand though. I can't imagine what they could be going through, but they shouldn't have to go through it. In the worst-case scenario, I'd at least have someone to suffer with. Maybe that makes me selfish. It's just another thing that alienates me from others.
And aside from all of this, I can't seem to function. I don't really know what I'm wasting my time doing, but I can't sleep anymore. I can't gather the courage to go to class or church anymore. What am I doing to myself? I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I make it to work, but I only have a few shifts a week. However, I certainly don't want to work more. I'm so tired. I feel like I'm doing everything when I'm really not doing anything. And that makes me worry even more! Like I'm going to fail school. Like I'm going to need the church's help for something and they'll see that I haven't been and they can't help me. Like work is going to get so disruptive and difficult that I'll have to quit. Like my body is quitting, but I know it has many good years left in it. I know school's just started and I can fix my problems. I can be more committed to go to church. So why is this happening?
Monday, June 30, 2014
Friday, June 27, 2014
My heart hurts.
Yes, I am a bleeding heart, but I'm starting to wonder if that is applicable in more than just a figurative way.
As you may or may not know, 1 in 4 PKD people develop mitral valve prolapse. It's a heart valve thing that makes it so a valve doesn't close properly, and blood leaks backwards into yadda yadda yadda. It's usually not even a big deal if you have it, but it does cause heart pain and fatigue and whathaveyou. Left ventricular hypertrophy is even more common, and there is a slightly increased risk for different heart regurgitations than the general population.
50% Of PKD patients die of heart complications rather than kidney failure. I have been getting weird bouts of tachycardia and some heart pain here and there. Only occasionally has it been bad enough to really worry me. I just want to make sure my heart is okay. Should get it checked...
As you may or may not know, 1 in 4 PKD people develop mitral valve prolapse. It's a heart valve thing that makes it so a valve doesn't close properly, and blood leaks backwards into yadda yadda yadda. It's usually not even a big deal if you have it, but it does cause heart pain and fatigue and whathaveyou. Left ventricular hypertrophy is even more common, and there is a slightly increased risk for different heart regurgitations than the general population.
50% Of PKD patients die of heart complications rather than kidney failure. I have been getting weird bouts of tachycardia and some heart pain here and there. Only occasionally has it been bad enough to really worry me. I just want to make sure my heart is okay. Should get it checked...
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Dumbest thing.
Alright. I know this is a hot-button issue for most people, especially where I live. But I'm not trying to argue anything today. I'm not trying to fight for what I have concluded in my mind to be right.
But I have been thinking, because of recent events, about gay marriage.
I know, I know. But it's not so much about the issue itself, as it is about all the dumb things I've heard said about it. On either side. Many young people for gay marriage say to "get with the times" and that is about the dumbest reason I can think of to be behind something. Don't just go with the crowd for any reason, much less for a social justice reason. For many old people against it, "it's unnatural". Well, who are you to say whether it is or not? You aren't gay. And, if you want to go by science, there are many species that practice homophilia. Just sayin'.
These are just two of the millions of examples of stupidity on either side. But I have to say that the dumbest thing I've ever heard was from an opponent of gay marriage. I'm always open to hearing reasons behind an argument. I try to be agnostic (for lack of a better word) about hot-button issues because there is a reason there is no clear answer. Usually.
But anyway, a conversation I was having with this person turned to a gay relative of hers and the frivolous reasons she thought this person could not actually be gay. I don't know. I honestly don't know if her relative is truly gar or not, why she would identify herself that way, or anything else. However, this person's argument was that her relative always used to get into trouble with boys. She was boy-crazy, so there was no way her relative could be gay.
Well...you can't view it so plainly. Perhaps she got into trouble with boys because she was trying to get herself to like them. Perhaps she was experimenting. Perhaps she really isn't gay, but you can't use that as evidence. It's not even circumstantial, it's an absolute nonsensical way to support an irrational conclusion.
But that wasn't the dumb thing. As the "conversation", and I use that term lightly since I had no interest in entertaining these absurdities (and this person always thinks she's right about everything), continued into a gay rights area, she then blurted out: "We're just asking them not to have sex."
I had to facepalm myself in my mind. Absolutely NOT, in any way, is that what you're asking them not to do. And who is "we're"? I'm very openly for gay rights, so I'm not "we're".
I digress, to say something like "We're just asking them not to have sex.", you have to first assume that marriage is just about sex. Being a, I presume, good mormon girl your whole life, I can see where you might think marriage is all about sex. That's all you ever hear about when it comes to marriage is that it's sacred and you get to have sex.
So yes, I can see where that comes from, but I have to disagree. Marriage, at least my marriage, was out of love, out of necessity. Because I needed this man in my life. I couldn't imagine being without him. I felt something for him that I hadn't felt about another person, not even my family. No offense, it's just a different kind of love.
So maybe marriage has only been about sex for you, but for the rest of us, it's about love. So no, you're not just asking them not to have sex. Besides that, I can assume that most of them are already having sex. Most people are already having sex before marriage (not condoning or bashing this, I am not the right person to do that). So making them unable to get married just means they aren't married, not that they're not having sex.
Honestly, I can't remember why I didn't argue with her. Maybe it was because I was tired. Maybe I wanted to be civil. Maybe I thought she was beyond reasoning, and she can be, but she's smart. She's a very intelligent person otherwise. But I think I'm glad I didn't. That is a hole in which you can only dig yourself deeper.
EDIT: Oh yeah, I also think about all those people who bring up that one gay mormon guy who says he chose it or whatever. Or that other one who is gay but remains married to his wife. Good for him. Good for his wife...I guess? I'd hate to be his wife, personally, but whatever. Anyway, my point is that is 1 or 2 of every 1 in 10 people who is gay. That is a very small minority. It's like when I saw a fitness instructor on the internet who has PKD. She says I have PKD and I don't use excuses. Well, that's good for her, but PKD is different for everyone. Some peoples' kidneys are too big to be doing crunches without popping a few - and that is excruciating. Some people are dead by her age. People have different sizes and number of cysts.
Anyway, an afterthought, if you will.
But I have been thinking, because of recent events, about gay marriage.
I know, I know. But it's not so much about the issue itself, as it is about all the dumb things I've heard said about it. On either side. Many young people for gay marriage say to "get with the times" and that is about the dumbest reason I can think of to be behind something. Don't just go with the crowd for any reason, much less for a social justice reason. For many old people against it, "it's unnatural". Well, who are you to say whether it is or not? You aren't gay. And, if you want to go by science, there are many species that practice homophilia. Just sayin'.
These are just two of the millions of examples of stupidity on either side. But I have to say that the dumbest thing I've ever heard was from an opponent of gay marriage. I'm always open to hearing reasons behind an argument. I try to be agnostic (for lack of a better word) about hot-button issues because there is a reason there is no clear answer. Usually.
But anyway, a conversation I was having with this person turned to a gay relative of hers and the frivolous reasons she thought this person could not actually be gay. I don't know. I honestly don't know if her relative is truly gar or not, why she would identify herself that way, or anything else. However, this person's argument was that her relative always used to get into trouble with boys. She was boy-crazy, so there was no way her relative could be gay.
Well...you can't view it so plainly. Perhaps she got into trouble with boys because she was trying to get herself to like them. Perhaps she was experimenting. Perhaps she really isn't gay, but you can't use that as evidence. It's not even circumstantial, it's an absolute nonsensical way to support an irrational conclusion.
But that wasn't the dumb thing. As the "conversation", and I use that term lightly since I had no interest in entertaining these absurdities (and this person always thinks she's right about everything), continued into a gay rights area, she then blurted out: "We're just asking them not to have sex."
I had to facepalm myself in my mind. Absolutely NOT, in any way, is that what you're asking them not to do. And who is "we're"? I'm very openly for gay rights, so I'm not "we're".
I digress, to say something like "We're just asking them not to have sex.", you have to first assume that marriage is just about sex. Being a, I presume, good mormon girl your whole life, I can see where you might think marriage is all about sex. That's all you ever hear about when it comes to marriage is that it's sacred and you get to have sex.
So yes, I can see where that comes from, but I have to disagree. Marriage, at least my marriage, was out of love, out of necessity. Because I needed this man in my life. I couldn't imagine being without him. I felt something for him that I hadn't felt about another person, not even my family. No offense, it's just a different kind of love.
So maybe marriage has only been about sex for you, but for the rest of us, it's about love. So no, you're not just asking them not to have sex. Besides that, I can assume that most of them are already having sex. Most people are already having sex before marriage (not condoning or bashing this, I am not the right person to do that). So making them unable to get married just means they aren't married, not that they're not having sex.
Honestly, I can't remember why I didn't argue with her. Maybe it was because I was tired. Maybe I wanted to be civil. Maybe I thought she was beyond reasoning, and she can be, but she's smart. She's a very intelligent person otherwise. But I think I'm glad I didn't. That is a hole in which you can only dig yourself deeper.
EDIT: Oh yeah, I also think about all those people who bring up that one gay mormon guy who says he chose it or whatever. Or that other one who is gay but remains married to his wife. Good for him. Good for his wife...I guess? I'd hate to be his wife, personally, but whatever. Anyway, my point is that is 1 or 2 of every 1 in 10 people who is gay. That is a very small minority. It's like when I saw a fitness instructor on the internet who has PKD. She says I have PKD and I don't use excuses. Well, that's good for her, but PKD is different for everyone. Some peoples' kidneys are too big to be doing crunches without popping a few - and that is excruciating. Some people are dead by her age. People have different sizes and number of cysts.
Anyway, an afterthought, if you will.
Mental Health
As you well know, I have mental health issues. I've tried a few different antidepressants with some luck, and a tranquilizer with a vast amount of more luck. But nothing has been safe and effective.
So my anxiety goes untreated. And that is really hard. I stay up all night sometimes worrying about things I can't do anything about. And I know I can't, and my doctor suggested that realizing this would help, but it doesn't. I still worry. Due to my anxiety, social and otherwise, I get depressed. It isn't chronic, it comes and goes in the forms of deep bouts of severe and longer periods of moderate/light, with normality in between.
Anyway, my point wasn't to be too clinical and whine-y. I just wanted to vent somewhere about how I need a break. I need a mental health year. I just want to not have anything to do or anyone to see. Not that most people are horrible or anything. On the contrary, most people who want to reach out to me are very kind, thoughtful people.
That just doesn't matter though. I'm still anxious when they want to talk with me or give me things. I haven't seen my visiting teachers in forever and it's not because they haven't tried to set meetings up, I just never want to do them. I don't want to leave my house or even get dressed sometimes. I just want to sleep or eat. Maybe watch TV or play games, but that sometimes gives me negative/anxious feelings.
I don't know. Today I decided I wasn't doing anything. I decided not to go to school, not to worry about homework, not to worry about money, global warming, socializing, my future, babies, getting sick, world suffering, dishes, nothing. And I'm doing okay. I'm still not dressed, and it's nearly 5pm.
I could really use more of these breaks.
So my anxiety goes untreated. And that is really hard. I stay up all night sometimes worrying about things I can't do anything about. And I know I can't, and my doctor suggested that realizing this would help, but it doesn't. I still worry. Due to my anxiety, social and otherwise, I get depressed. It isn't chronic, it comes and goes in the forms of deep bouts of severe and longer periods of moderate/light, with normality in between.
Anyway, my point wasn't to be too clinical and whine-y. I just wanted to vent somewhere about how I need a break. I need a mental health year. I just want to not have anything to do or anyone to see. Not that most people are horrible or anything. On the contrary, most people who want to reach out to me are very kind, thoughtful people.
That just doesn't matter though. I'm still anxious when they want to talk with me or give me things. I haven't seen my visiting teachers in forever and it's not because they haven't tried to set meetings up, I just never want to do them. I don't want to leave my house or even get dressed sometimes. I just want to sleep or eat. Maybe watch TV or play games, but that sometimes gives me negative/anxious feelings.
I don't know. Today I decided I wasn't doing anything. I decided not to go to school, not to worry about homework, not to worry about money, global warming, socializing, my future, babies, getting sick, world suffering, dishes, nothing. And I'm doing okay. I'm still not dressed, and it's nearly 5pm.
I could really use more of these breaks.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Conversations with myself
When I use public transit, I don't have a phone, Ipod, or laptop with me. This is because I like to enjoy the scenery and live in the moment. I also let my mind ponder incomplete thoughts I've had, or complete thoughts that I want to revisit and revise. I'm not sure what the point of this post is, but I felt like sharing for some reason.
#1: I think I will not be a viable candidate to dialyze due to my small veins. And I don't think I want a transplant. I don't think I'd feel good about it and the pills and bowel-bursting risks and all that...I don't know anymore. I was also thinking of our friend's wife with cystic fibrosis and how awful that disease is. I wish I could help, but my disease is nothing comparatively.
#2: Real altruism must be very rare. I don't think most people do good things for no reason, especially when it comes to helping others. You always get something out of helping others. Maybe you're trying to gain good points to offset bad points. Maybe you're helping because you want to, but you still get good feels from it. Maybe you're helping others because you're instructed to, because it's expected of you. So are you really doing a good thing?
I think so. A good thing is still a good thing. Helping others is still helping others, but it's an odd bird because you're always getting something from it. For me even, I like helping others because it gives me a purpose. According to my blessing, it says service will bring me true happiness. I'm getting something from it. It's weird.
#3: My sister mentioned that the only two times she's been pulled over was when she was with a black friend of hers. I was thinking about what I'd said earlier about cops, and whether or not that applied to this situation. Cops can tell the difference between semi-reckless, good kids and kids that are up to no good. I happen to know that one of the times was because my sister was speeding to catch a movie.
Correlation does not equal causation. My sister made the connection that, because she was with her black friend when she was pulled over, means her black friend is the cause of being pulled over. I think it has much more to do with the psychology of the group. When friends are amongst friends (at least the bubbly kind my sister is and associates with), they act a little hyper. They loosen up. I think my sister was simply speeding with her friends in the car because they were having fun and were late to a movie. I doubt the other time is so different.
It's a theory, at least. It's still completely possible that the cops were just racist.
#4: I keep getting things handed to me lately. It started with my bishop. I have said before how he kept asking and asking if he could help with anything, and we kept saying no until the final time, when I told him I was really stressed about our medical bills. He then offered to take care of them as long as I could reduce the bill as much as possible. I was and still am incredibly grateful for this. I literally had no idea he could do that for us. But then, later, I got a bill in the mail for a class I was registered for at Snow College. I was trying to get in the class before it filled up for the next semester. This was before Stephen and I decided to leave Snow. We left, and I completely forgot about the class. I ended up with a $700 or so bill, which I completely deserve - it was my mistake. But I emailed Snow anyway, asking them if they could remove the grade from my transcript. They have since offered even better - to dismiss the charges and take the class off my transcript.
It's something I'm not used to. I had no idea these things happened. They never happened to me until now. And then today, in my class, my teacher has offered to let me make up a test. I said: "I chose to ditch that class, because I didn't study for the test, and I'd rather fail for free than pay to commute here." I said it wasn't fair to the other students, and he said that he decides what is fair. He must feel sympathy for me for some reason. Which is weird, because he doesn't know much about me, at least nothing about anything that could make him feel sorry for me.
I appreciate it. I appreciate the slack people have been cutting me. I need it, even though I hate to admit that. I feel overwhelmed. I feel tired, and I am worried sick. It's nice to have so many people looking out for me. This has never happened before. It's miraculous. I'll have to tell my bishop about it.
#5: By their fruits, ye shall know them. I decided to adopt this into my life because I have always, always had a hard time telling if someone was a good person or not. I think everyone is a good person inherently, and we all have those good qualities, but that some of us make bad choices or do hurtful things to others for various reasons. But I later learned that there are...*I still can't really accept the term* "bad" people. People who don't care that they've hurt others. Sociopaths, or at least pretend sociopaths.
Lately, I've decided to try to cut someone out of my life. This person has done many nice things for me. I can still list all of them. I remember all of them, and I'm still grateful. But this person has also been very conniving, unfair in his/her treatment of me and others, fake, evasive of the truth, and otherwise dishonest.
It's easy to cast someone off from you if all they've ever done is bad things, so I was confused. Finally, after careful observation to solidify or break my perceptions, I decided this person was not worth my time or feelings. S/he'd chronically send confusing messages and would not be upfront with me, and I can't handle that. S/he'd talk bad about my behind my back, a fact this person has lied about, but that I witnessed. S/he's welcome back into my life when s/he tells me what is really wrong. Because I've asked, and I've never gotten a straight answer. I can't trust anything s/he says anyway because I've been lied to so many times. And often not even lied to, but not told the truth. S/he's very good at avoiding answers.
This person's fruit is gross. Like honeydew or cantaloupe. So I will break it off for now until this person's misconceptions about me are faced. Dislike or hate me if you must, you could probably find a good reason to, but don't do it for no reason. I deserve better.
And that's all, folks!
#1: I think I will not be a viable candidate to dialyze due to my small veins. And I don't think I want a transplant. I don't think I'd feel good about it and the pills and bowel-bursting risks and all that...I don't know anymore. I was also thinking of our friend's wife with cystic fibrosis and how awful that disease is. I wish I could help, but my disease is nothing comparatively.
#2: Real altruism must be very rare. I don't think most people do good things for no reason, especially when it comes to helping others. You always get something out of helping others. Maybe you're trying to gain good points to offset bad points. Maybe you're helping because you want to, but you still get good feels from it. Maybe you're helping others because you're instructed to, because it's expected of you. So are you really doing a good thing?
I think so. A good thing is still a good thing. Helping others is still helping others, but it's an odd bird because you're always getting something from it. For me even, I like helping others because it gives me a purpose. According to my blessing, it says service will bring me true happiness. I'm getting something from it. It's weird.
#3: My sister mentioned that the only two times she's been pulled over was when she was with a black friend of hers. I was thinking about what I'd said earlier about cops, and whether or not that applied to this situation. Cops can tell the difference between semi-reckless, good kids and kids that are up to no good. I happen to know that one of the times was because my sister was speeding to catch a movie.
Correlation does not equal causation. My sister made the connection that, because she was with her black friend when she was pulled over, means her black friend is the cause of being pulled over. I think it has much more to do with the psychology of the group. When friends are amongst friends (at least the bubbly kind my sister is and associates with), they act a little hyper. They loosen up. I think my sister was simply speeding with her friends in the car because they were having fun and were late to a movie. I doubt the other time is so different.
It's a theory, at least. It's still completely possible that the cops were just racist.
#4: I keep getting things handed to me lately. It started with my bishop. I have said before how he kept asking and asking if he could help with anything, and we kept saying no until the final time, when I told him I was really stressed about our medical bills. He then offered to take care of them as long as I could reduce the bill as much as possible. I was and still am incredibly grateful for this. I literally had no idea he could do that for us. But then, later, I got a bill in the mail for a class I was registered for at Snow College. I was trying to get in the class before it filled up for the next semester. This was before Stephen and I decided to leave Snow. We left, and I completely forgot about the class. I ended up with a $700 or so bill, which I completely deserve - it was my mistake. But I emailed Snow anyway, asking them if they could remove the grade from my transcript. They have since offered even better - to dismiss the charges and take the class off my transcript.
It's something I'm not used to. I had no idea these things happened. They never happened to me until now. And then today, in my class, my teacher has offered to let me make up a test. I said: "I chose to ditch that class, because I didn't study for the test, and I'd rather fail for free than pay to commute here." I said it wasn't fair to the other students, and he said that he decides what is fair. He must feel sympathy for me for some reason. Which is weird, because he doesn't know much about me, at least nothing about anything that could make him feel sorry for me.
I appreciate it. I appreciate the slack people have been cutting me. I need it, even though I hate to admit that. I feel overwhelmed. I feel tired, and I am worried sick. It's nice to have so many people looking out for me. This has never happened before. It's miraculous. I'll have to tell my bishop about it.
#5: By their fruits, ye shall know them. I decided to adopt this into my life because I have always, always had a hard time telling if someone was a good person or not. I think everyone is a good person inherently, and we all have those good qualities, but that some of us make bad choices or do hurtful things to others for various reasons. But I later learned that there are...*I still can't really accept the term* "bad" people. People who don't care that they've hurt others. Sociopaths, or at least pretend sociopaths.
Lately, I've decided to try to cut someone out of my life. This person has done many nice things for me. I can still list all of them. I remember all of them, and I'm still grateful. But this person has also been very conniving, unfair in his/her treatment of me and others, fake, evasive of the truth, and otherwise dishonest.
It's easy to cast someone off from you if all they've ever done is bad things, so I was confused. Finally, after careful observation to solidify or break my perceptions, I decided this person was not worth my time or feelings. S/he'd chronically send confusing messages and would not be upfront with me, and I can't handle that. S/he'd talk bad about my behind my back, a fact this person has lied about, but that I witnessed. S/he's welcome back into my life when s/he tells me what is really wrong. Because I've asked, and I've never gotten a straight answer. I can't trust anything s/he says anyway because I've been lied to so many times. And often not even lied to, but not told the truth. S/he's very good at avoiding answers.
This person's fruit is gross. Like honeydew or cantaloupe. So I will break it off for now until this person's misconceptions about me are faced. Dislike or hate me if you must, you could probably find a good reason to, but don't do it for no reason. I deserve better.
And that's all, folks!
Hatred for OW
Too many people allow stupid things to make them hate others. Actually hate other people. You can literally hate what bothers you about others, but you should never allow that, or anything, to make you hate someone. That's wrong. I'd venture to say that it's evil.
Recently, a woman of my faith was tossed out of the faith for questioning a piece of gospel. Put simply, that's all it was, at least at the beginning. It has put nearly everyone in my faith in some shameless uproar where they berate, belittle, and hold undue hatred for the woman, and all those who followed her. It's been an embarrassing, saddening experience.
They did everything they could to make her into a bad person. They still say how she's in the minority, and she's besmirching the church, she's a feminist, she's stupid, she's apostate, she's an activist, she wants attention, she didn't take her husband's last name! But if you step back...Just. Step. Back. And look at the situation, you'll realize that you have no license to blame or judge her - especially if you couldn't possibly understand by not being a woman or, if you are a woman, not ever thinking about your role in life.
And you probably haven't if you don't understand where she comes from. After all, we're taught not to question our roles. We're taught to embrace these differences we have and pretend we're equal in the eyes of the church. We're simply not. WE'RE NOT. And that's okay.
What this woman was bothered by used to bug me. It really shook my faith for years. If we're so special and we're all equal (2Nephi 26:33), how do women not have the priesthood? Having babies is not the same thing, as some of us can't, and through no choice of our own. I'd literally risk my life trying to have babies. The only way to be denied the priesthood (since blacks were able to have it) is to be found unworthy. By choice. And there is no risking of lives involved.
Not equal.
But I found solace, that these women must not have found, in the scriptures. Words I've seen repeatedly laced throughout them with little variation; "through faith, all things are made possible." To me, this means that I'll be taken care of if I am faithful. Faith itself is your power. And that's all I need. It isn't logical that our God would not allow me to heal someone or help my family if I call upon him simply because I am female. He would help. I know he would. He has. I don't need to have the priesthood.
But these women haven't found what I have. They wander in an organization that seems so divided and unfair. Maybe it is, but they should seek a higher authority than the church, and that is God. They should know that man is fallible, and God is perfect. He knows an infinity of things we can't possibly understand. And we have to let him guide us and mould us how he sees fit.
Meanwhile, the rest of us should do nothing but love and serve our fellow man. We should be patient with their shortcomings and encourage them to find a higher understanding and peace through the life of our savior, his teachings, and the teachings of his faithful servants. Please stop the hatred. Stop the misunderstanding. Mourn our sister's loss, and hope for her return and peace of mind because I truly believe her when she says she loves this church.
Recently, a woman of my faith was tossed out of the faith for questioning a piece of gospel. Put simply, that's all it was, at least at the beginning. It has put nearly everyone in my faith in some shameless uproar where they berate, belittle, and hold undue hatred for the woman, and all those who followed her. It's been an embarrassing, saddening experience.
They did everything they could to make her into a bad person. They still say how she's in the minority, and she's besmirching the church, she's a feminist, she's stupid, she's apostate, she's an activist, she wants attention, she didn't take her husband's last name! But if you step back...Just. Step. Back. And look at the situation, you'll realize that you have no license to blame or judge her - especially if you couldn't possibly understand by not being a woman or, if you are a woman, not ever thinking about your role in life.
And you probably haven't if you don't understand where she comes from. After all, we're taught not to question our roles. We're taught to embrace these differences we have and pretend we're equal in the eyes of the church. We're simply not. WE'RE NOT. And that's okay.
What this woman was bothered by used to bug me. It really shook my faith for years. If we're so special and we're all equal (2Nephi 26:33), how do women not have the priesthood? Having babies is not the same thing, as some of us can't, and through no choice of our own. I'd literally risk my life trying to have babies. The only way to be denied the priesthood (since blacks were able to have it) is to be found unworthy. By choice. And there is no risking of lives involved.
Not equal.
But I found solace, that these women must not have found, in the scriptures. Words I've seen repeatedly laced throughout them with little variation; "through faith, all things are made possible." To me, this means that I'll be taken care of if I am faithful. Faith itself is your power. And that's all I need. It isn't logical that our God would not allow me to heal someone or help my family if I call upon him simply because I am female. He would help. I know he would. He has. I don't need to have the priesthood.
But these women haven't found what I have. They wander in an organization that seems so divided and unfair. Maybe it is, but they should seek a higher authority than the church, and that is God. They should know that man is fallible, and God is perfect. He knows an infinity of things we can't possibly understand. And we have to let him guide us and mould us how he sees fit.
Meanwhile, the rest of us should do nothing but love and serve our fellow man. We should be patient with their shortcomings and encourage them to find a higher understanding and peace through the life of our savior, his teachings, and the teachings of his faithful servants. Please stop the hatred. Stop the misunderstanding. Mourn our sister's loss, and hope for her return and peace of mind because I truly believe her when she says she loves this church.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Life just keeps getting worse...
I am friends with a racist. I can't believe this could ever happen to me. I'm not even trying to be funny here. It literally breaks my heart.
He has said so many things in passing. Maybe that's why he's so quiet, because he knows what he thinks is wrong (or at least unacceptable to those around him). It's weird because he left me a couple of years ago and set off with the mindset that you should love your brothers and sisters. And now he came back like this?! It's so horrible. I don't want my possible kids going on missions if this is what will become of them. And I'm sure glad my husband didn't go.
And now I'm unsure of what to do...how to go on. If he wasn't my friend, he'd be gone by now, but he is my friend. I like things about him. I have fun when he's around. I care about him. I am loyal to him. But it hurts knowing that he feels this way about other people. What could he think of me? One day, I might be taking government handouts. God forbid, but I might not be a productive member of society. What then? Or is it okay because I'm white and I don't wear weaves?
It's just unbearable. I guess I should have known, as he was saying while he was out there that he didn't like that some woman, afflicted with multiple chronic illnesses, didn't have her dishes clean. Her house wasn't clean and it made him feel uncomfortable. Does he judge everyone this harshly?
He didn't dress that well in school. He scared people off because of what he wore. People missed out on meeting a neat guy because they judged him. And now he's doing that to others because of their skin? It's absolutely unacceptable. And it really hurts me. He saw anger from me. I yelled at him as coherently as I could at that point, but I am not angry, I am heartbroken.
No matter what you saw or didn't see out there, it doesn't justify the way you think. It doesn't justify you pulling the entire race into stereotypes. And I believe in stereotypes, but I know, because I have common sense, that not all people of any race are the same. They all have their reasons for what they do and who they are. They have environmental, economic, historic, and cultural reasons for each of their individual behaviors, like white people do, like Asians do, and every other race you can think of.
I'd like it if he took a sociology course. I think that could help him - and anyone who suffers from racism - to become more aware. I hope he will change at least, because I don't know how to deal with this aspect of him. I wish it didn't exist, and that would make things easier.
Damn this.
He has said so many things in passing. Maybe that's why he's so quiet, because he knows what he thinks is wrong (or at least unacceptable to those around him). It's weird because he left me a couple of years ago and set off with the mindset that you should love your brothers and sisters. And now he came back like this?! It's so horrible. I don't want my possible kids going on missions if this is what will become of them. And I'm sure glad my husband didn't go.
And now I'm unsure of what to do...how to go on. If he wasn't my friend, he'd be gone by now, but he is my friend. I like things about him. I have fun when he's around. I care about him. I am loyal to him. But it hurts knowing that he feels this way about other people. What could he think of me? One day, I might be taking government handouts. God forbid, but I might not be a productive member of society. What then? Or is it okay because I'm white and I don't wear weaves?
It's just unbearable. I guess I should have known, as he was saying while he was out there that he didn't like that some woman, afflicted with multiple chronic illnesses, didn't have her dishes clean. Her house wasn't clean and it made him feel uncomfortable. Does he judge everyone this harshly?
He didn't dress that well in school. He scared people off because of what he wore. People missed out on meeting a neat guy because they judged him. And now he's doing that to others because of their skin? It's absolutely unacceptable. And it really hurts me. He saw anger from me. I yelled at him as coherently as I could at that point, but I am not angry, I am heartbroken.
No matter what you saw or didn't see out there, it doesn't justify the way you think. It doesn't justify you pulling the entire race into stereotypes. And I believe in stereotypes, but I know, because I have common sense, that not all people of any race are the same. They all have their reasons for what they do and who they are. They have environmental, economic, historic, and cultural reasons for each of their individual behaviors, like white people do, like Asians do, and every other race you can think of.
I'd like it if he took a sociology course. I think that could help him - and anyone who suffers from racism - to become more aware. I hope he will change at least, because I don't know how to deal with this aspect of him. I wish it didn't exist, and that would make things easier.
Damn this.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
I'll be okay.
I don't know what it is, but lately everyone has been saying I seem happier. It's untrue. I contest I am less happy. But I don't really know. My bowels aren't giving me as many problems since I've been taking a super primrose supplement. It has prostaglandins in it, which, depending on the type, should help with smooth muscle contractility. I think it is helping.
Anyway, that's a huge relief, but I don't expect my bowels to ever be normal again. So, I try not to think of that anymore. I've also been going to church since February, purely for my bishop's sake, but now we have a new one and I could have stopped going, but I didn't. It makes us happier overall, I think. I can't tell you why, as we don't usually stay for the entire meeting (anxiety and sometimes physical health issues), but it's made a noticeable difference for sure.
I'm getting more and more distressed when it comes to school. I just don't do well in it. I've never done well except in high school orchestra and french (of all things), and college criminal justice. I did well in English too, but I don't want to say that because I don't use it very well. But seriously every other class is just a struggle. A monstrous struggle. And for what?
I don't know what to do about school anymore. I just want to be done, and I realized I could finish my AS in Criminal Justice and get an EMT-B by the time I'd be done with mortuary science (if I even get into the program next year, and that's becoming more and more of a stretch). But I don't want to give up on this. I want it.
I'm gonna play this card real quick, but PKD is seriously taking it's toll. I can't describe how it feels to know you're going to get sicker. You just are, no matter what you do. I'm pretty unhappy with my health the way it is, and if it gets worse, I don't know how to handle it. I know I will though.
And finally, all my family drama. I can't decide what to do about it, but that's bugging me too. I just wish I was given a chance. A lot of people misunderstand me. Stephen has said many times that I'm the most misunderstood person he knows. And almost every internet quiz says I'm misunderstood as well. That's not something to go off of, but I can't help but think it's accurate. I don't know what people think of me. I really don't, but it seems that they either think I'm way cooler than I am or a terrible person all around. There is nothing in between. And that's hard. I try to be as upfront as possible, to avoid these things, but it just seems to happen anyway.
Well, I'm off to pick up Steve. Thanks for listening to my complaints.
Anyway, that's a huge relief, but I don't expect my bowels to ever be normal again. So, I try not to think of that anymore. I've also been going to church since February, purely for my bishop's sake, but now we have a new one and I could have stopped going, but I didn't. It makes us happier overall, I think. I can't tell you why, as we don't usually stay for the entire meeting (anxiety and sometimes physical health issues), but it's made a noticeable difference for sure.
I'm getting more and more distressed when it comes to school. I just don't do well in it. I've never done well except in high school orchestra and french (of all things), and college criminal justice. I did well in English too, but I don't want to say that because I don't use it very well. But seriously every other class is just a struggle. A monstrous struggle. And for what?
I don't know what to do about school anymore. I just want to be done, and I realized I could finish my AS in Criminal Justice and get an EMT-B by the time I'd be done with mortuary science (if I even get into the program next year, and that's becoming more and more of a stretch). But I don't want to give up on this. I want it.
I'm gonna play this card real quick, but PKD is seriously taking it's toll. I can't describe how it feels to know you're going to get sicker. You just are, no matter what you do. I'm pretty unhappy with my health the way it is, and if it gets worse, I don't know how to handle it. I know I will though.
And finally, all my family drama. I can't decide what to do about it, but that's bugging me too. I just wish I was given a chance. A lot of people misunderstand me. Stephen has said many times that I'm the most misunderstood person he knows. And almost every internet quiz says I'm misunderstood as well. That's not something to go off of, but I can't help but think it's accurate. I don't know what people think of me. I really don't, but it seems that they either think I'm way cooler than I am or a terrible person all around. There is nothing in between. And that's hard. I try to be as upfront as possible, to avoid these things, but it just seems to happen anyway.
Well, I'm off to pick up Steve. Thanks for listening to my complaints.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
He's Good.
Remember how I said we got a new bishop and that I liked him so far? Well, I would like to support this with evidence. He's a physician, so automatically we have a connection. He knows what's going on with my PKD. Today he validated my PKD by saying: "This isn't something like dermatitis where you have to put on lotion, you know? This is serious." And I just felt like he knew. He knows.
And he knows my nephrologist. This was embarrassing, because he inquired if I had one and I was like: "I don't like him, he didn't listen to anything I said." And he was like: "Who's your nephrologist?" And I was like: "Carrie....H_____?" And he's like: "Terry H_____? I know him." EEK! It was bad.
But he also seems to care a great deal about my anxiety. He actually took the time to look up a workbook for me. He said he thought it'd be good. No one has ever cared so much about it, yet it manages my life to a ridiculous extent. I am so touched that he would care about that. It's so odd, but maybe I can change. I don't want to be extroverted, but I'd like to not avoid situations out of fear.
And then the best part, he said he could help us with my medical bills. I can't explain how grateful I am. I didn't even know that was a thing, but he kept asking and asking if there was anything he could do. We just kept saying no, but I think he knew that we've been struggling. I'm so happy he got us to confide in him because I'd be so up a creek if it weren't for him (and the church).
It's only one worry gone, but it was a really big one. I feel a bit awful that we need help, and I hate admitting that, but I'm so grateful people are willing to help. I used to get mad that tithing was being used for political things and malls, but I always reminded myself how it's also used for service and things, so I was okay with it. But now? I don't think I can ever not pay my tithing. This has been such a help for us. It's kind of like the atonement. It's possible to be grateful and understanding of it but, until you need it yourself, you can't fully grasp how miraculous it is.
I'm so grateful for this help. I'm so grateful people pay their tithing. And I just want them all to know that it is being used for good things. I will try to always pay my tithing from now on. Thank you.
And he knows my nephrologist. This was embarrassing, because he inquired if I had one and I was like: "I don't like him, he didn't listen to anything I said." And he was like: "Who's your nephrologist?" And I was like: "Carrie....H_____?" And he's like: "Terry H_____? I know him." EEK! It was bad.
But he also seems to care a great deal about my anxiety. He actually took the time to look up a workbook for me. He said he thought it'd be good. No one has ever cared so much about it, yet it manages my life to a ridiculous extent. I am so touched that he would care about that. It's so odd, but maybe I can change. I don't want to be extroverted, but I'd like to not avoid situations out of fear.
And then the best part, he said he could help us with my medical bills. I can't explain how grateful I am. I didn't even know that was a thing, but he kept asking and asking if there was anything he could do. We just kept saying no, but I think he knew that we've been struggling. I'm so happy he got us to confide in him because I'd be so up a creek if it weren't for him (and the church).
It's only one worry gone, but it was a really big one. I feel a bit awful that we need help, and I hate admitting that, but I'm so grateful people are willing to help. I used to get mad that tithing was being used for political things and malls, but I always reminded myself how it's also used for service and things, so I was okay with it. But now? I don't think I can ever not pay my tithing. This has been such a help for us. It's kind of like the atonement. It's possible to be grateful and understanding of it but, until you need it yourself, you can't fully grasp how miraculous it is.
I'm so grateful for this help. I'm so grateful people pay their tithing. And I just want them all to know that it is being used for good things. I will try to always pay my tithing from now on. Thank you.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Mistakes.
It's a funny word. Everyone makes them. I guess my definition of a mistake is making a wrong choice or doing something wrong, whether knowingly or unknowingly, and realizing it was wrong/feeling sorry (perhaps even apologizing to those you've wronged would be nice), and trying to never do it again.
Let me break that down into steps. #1: making the wrong choice/doing something wrong. #2: Realizing it was wrong/apologize. #3: Never doing it again (or at least actually trying not to).
I have made mistakes in my life, but I know that what some people would consider mistakes in my life were certainly not. My "first time" was not a mistake. It was a deliberate choice. A choice I had the opportunity to make after a series of other choices that put me in that situation. Because I wasn't married to my husband at the time, it would be called a mistake by most.
But I did it again the next day. Yes, I felt bad. I also had to visit a doctor, so I was paying for it already. By all accounts, if it was a mistake, I should have stopped after the first time, but I didn't. Neither incident (and every incident following) were mistakes, they were choices. Bad choices.
There are complex reasons behind my choices. I knew we were going to get married. I had been suffering from a severe bout of depression and self-harming. I was coming off clonazepam. I loved him more than anything in the world. I wasn't used to someone loving me like that. I was inexperienced with relationships. Whatever suits your fancy. There are reasons behind everyone's choices, but don't confuse them with mistakes if they do it again.
A previous bishop was excommunicated for sleeping with his secretary. Maybe the first time was a mistake, but every other time was a choice. He could've avoided his secretary, changed jobs, truly repented, etc. but he clearly did nothing to stop it from happening again. That's a choice.
I think it's possible to repent for making bad choices though. Eventually I didn't feel bad about what I was doing. I justified it in my mind. I still think it was meant to happen. But to repent, you have to feel sorry about what you've done. You have to. And that's hard when you've spent such a long time making it okay.
I'm still working on me, but I guess I just had to rant because I'm tired of these things being the same. They're not. It's a mockery of people who actually do make real mistakes. Let's be more honest with each other and call them what they really are.
Let me break that down into steps. #1: making the wrong choice/doing something wrong. #2: Realizing it was wrong/apologize. #3: Never doing it again (or at least actually trying not to).
I have made mistakes in my life, but I know that what some people would consider mistakes in my life were certainly not. My "first time" was not a mistake. It was a deliberate choice. A choice I had the opportunity to make after a series of other choices that put me in that situation. Because I wasn't married to my husband at the time, it would be called a mistake by most.
But I did it again the next day. Yes, I felt bad. I also had to visit a doctor, so I was paying for it already. By all accounts, if it was a mistake, I should have stopped after the first time, but I didn't. Neither incident (and every incident following) were mistakes, they were choices. Bad choices.
There are complex reasons behind my choices. I knew we were going to get married. I had been suffering from a severe bout of depression and self-harming. I was coming off clonazepam. I loved him more than anything in the world. I wasn't used to someone loving me like that. I was inexperienced with relationships. Whatever suits your fancy. There are reasons behind everyone's choices, but don't confuse them with mistakes if they do it again.
A previous bishop was excommunicated for sleeping with his secretary. Maybe the first time was a mistake, but every other time was a choice. He could've avoided his secretary, changed jobs, truly repented, etc. but he clearly did nothing to stop it from happening again. That's a choice.
I think it's possible to repent for making bad choices though. Eventually I didn't feel bad about what I was doing. I justified it in my mind. I still think it was meant to happen. But to repent, you have to feel sorry about what you've done. You have to. And that's hard when you've spent such a long time making it okay.
I'm still working on me, but I guess I just had to rant because I'm tired of these things being the same. They're not. It's a mockery of people who actually do make real mistakes. Let's be more honest with each other and call them what they really are.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Cop-haters
Can't freaking stand 'em. And I'd forgotten how much until someone I only recently met decided to divulge this dirty secret. And of course all she could use to explain herself was the ever-so-vague: "I just have too much experience with cops." and "They profile people on purpose! They're encouraged to do that!"
Well guess what? I've had experience with cops, too. Probably more than you, actually. And I have to say, they are some of the most excellent men and women I've ever met. Still one of my most favorite people who ever lived is my forensic science teacher. He didn't grow up wanting power, he wanted to be an architect but he "partied [his] way out of college". Now??? Look at his long history of police work and forensic science work. He's a freaking hero. He did so many disgusting things...dangerous things. He dealt daily with unclean, mentally disturbed, self-wetting people that everyone else is lucky to not have to deal with. Every day he did this, and he's not the only one! All cops do this. They risk their lives daily, and you think that's for anything other than the fact that they want to keep people safe or have an awesome job? It's such a dangerous, miserable career.You think the nasty, harsh, abusive, or otherwise unsavory cops you hear about every once in awhile are the norm?!
And then the whole profiling thing...honey, they have to. Do you know where the criminal justice department is in most universities? Sociology building. Why is that? Why would that possibly be? Maybe because they use it every single day. Every cop knows there are reasons behind criminal behavior. Every cop has to utilize aspects of sociology/psychology every day, including profiling.
Hey, look at that girl dressed like a prostitute in an area known for prostitution... (probable prostitute)
Look at that guy with sores on his face and filthy clothes... (probable meth user)
Look at that guy without a kid at the kid park... (probably not a parent and up to no good)
People with different backgrounds are prone to certain types of crimes. IT'S JUST TRUE. Sorry they can't bend to your idea of being nice to everyone. I'd like that too, but this is a social science. Males commit much more crime than females. Age? Late teens, early 20's. Poor people tend to commit more street crime than rich. I'm sorry, but even some races are more prone to commit street crime than others (possibly due to the same racial link in low socioeconomic environs). They're not racist, they're pointing out patterns.
It's just a thing. Usually their hunches are right. Someone looks like they're a user, they pull them over and guess what? They usually find drugs in the car or in pants that "aren't theirs". I mean, come on. I'd be so with her if she was talking about how some races get longer sentences and harsher punishments for the same crimes, because I believe that is an issue, but she wasn't.
Well guess what? I've had experience with cops, too. Probably more than you, actually. And I have to say, they are some of the most excellent men and women I've ever met. Still one of my most favorite people who ever lived is my forensic science teacher. He didn't grow up wanting power, he wanted to be an architect but he "partied [his] way out of college". Now??? Look at his long history of police work and forensic science work. He's a freaking hero. He did so many disgusting things...dangerous things. He dealt daily with unclean, mentally disturbed, self-wetting people that everyone else is lucky to not have to deal with. Every day he did this, and he's not the only one! All cops do this. They risk their lives daily, and you think that's for anything other than the fact that they want to keep people safe or have an awesome job? It's such a dangerous, miserable career.You think the nasty, harsh, abusive, or otherwise unsavory cops you hear about every once in awhile are the norm?!
And then the whole profiling thing...honey, they have to. Do you know where the criminal justice department is in most universities? Sociology building. Why is that? Why would that possibly be? Maybe because they use it every single day. Every cop knows there are reasons behind criminal behavior. Every cop has to utilize aspects of sociology/psychology every day, including profiling.
Hey, look at that girl dressed like a prostitute in an area known for prostitution... (probable prostitute)
Look at that guy with sores on his face and filthy clothes... (probable meth user)
Look at that guy without a kid at the kid park... (probably not a parent and up to no good)
People with different backgrounds are prone to certain types of crimes. IT'S JUST TRUE. Sorry they can't bend to your idea of being nice to everyone. I'd like that too, but this is a social science. Males commit much more crime than females. Age? Late teens, early 20's. Poor people tend to commit more street crime than rich. I'm sorry, but even some races are more prone to commit street crime than others (possibly due to the same racial link in low socioeconomic environs). They're not racist, they're pointing out patterns.
It's just a thing. Usually their hunches are right. Someone looks like they're a user, they pull them over and guess what? They usually find drugs in the car or in pants that "aren't theirs". I mean, come on. I'd be so with her if she was talking about how some races get longer sentences and harsher punishments for the same crimes, because I believe that is an issue, but she wasn't.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
World Religions (2)
We were talking about Confucianism the other day and I got to be part of a demonstration. To demonstrate, my teacher looked to me and said: "Hello." "Hey." I responded. "How are you?" he asks. And you must already know where this is going for me, but I said "Good?" and paused. The rest of the class chimes in for me after a moment: "How are you?"
But the teacher must have noticed that we were on the same page. He kept staring, knowing what I was about to point out. "Well, you have to say 'good', because nobody is being sincere when they ask that, and nobody wants to hear about it if you're not doing well."
He is clearly pleased with himself as he turns around and begins our lesson about Chun tzu. The ultimate goal of Confucius was for everyone to realize that we are all Chun tzu (the ultimate human); naturally polite, caring, generous, and all that good stuff. But, what I love is that, according to Confucius, our way of interacting with each other is all wrong. We want to be more personable. We are naturally more personable than that. Maybe I just don't belong in Western civilization, but I'd like it if we could have real conversations with strangers, rather than crappy ones. Heck, I'd much rather have no conversation at all than "Hi, how are you?" "Oh good! How are you?" "Good!" "That's great!" "Bye!"
I don't know. So far, I really like Eastern religions. I love the holistic/humanistic aspect. :)
But the teacher must have noticed that we were on the same page. He kept staring, knowing what I was about to point out. "Well, you have to say 'good', because nobody is being sincere when they ask that, and nobody wants to hear about it if you're not doing well."
He is clearly pleased with himself as he turns around and begins our lesson about Chun tzu. The ultimate goal of Confucius was for everyone to realize that we are all Chun tzu (the ultimate human); naturally polite, caring, generous, and all that good stuff. But, what I love is that, according to Confucius, our way of interacting with each other is all wrong. We want to be more personable. We are naturally more personable than that. Maybe I just don't belong in Western civilization, but I'd like it if we could have real conversations with strangers, rather than crappy ones. Heck, I'd much rather have no conversation at all than "Hi, how are you?" "Oh good! How are you?" "Good!" "That's great!" "Bye!"
I don't know. So far, I really like Eastern religions. I love the holistic/humanistic aspect. :)
Can't even...
*Kinda another PKD post, but not really a PKD post*
Being diagnosed with a chronic, genetic, progressive, life-threatening illness does a lot of things. It changes a lot of things. I can't say most of them are good, because they're not. I have SO much less patience for stupid things, and there are so many stupid things.
For instance, all those people in those commercials about smoking. They're dying at like...54 and 57 that I can remember and they're saying "Don't smoke." Well yeah, don't smoke. I'm sorry it happened to you, but it was your own life in your own hands. Some people don't get a nice body to destroy. I don't feel nearly as much sympathy anymore, I just get mad. I'm lucky to live that long. And I'll always be sick. What did I do? What did people with cystic fibrosis or down syndrome do?
People pretending to care. I just love that. And I can tell when they do and they don't. So, if you actually care, thanks. It helps to know that. People who don't, just stop. It's fine. People b*tching at me over the phone when their freaking pizza is late. You have the time to torment a part time working college student for a late pizza. It's absolutely NEVER my fault that your pizza is late. Can't you just be gracious? Perhaps even grateful that things are going so well for you that you can chew someone out over a pizza. I would never do that and it's because I've experienced first hand that bad things happen and that those things just don't even matter! One bad thing happens and yeah, it's easy to get mad about it, but if bad things are happening to you all the time, you learn to live with it or you'll go crazy-nuts. Also, I have manners, so I wouldn't do that anyway.
I'm getting so desperate. Everything is a bigger deal now. I get frustrated when I've wasted a day doing something I don't want to. I get really mad when people are mean to me. "How can you be mean to me? I'm dying. I'm miserable." Of course they don't know what I'm going through. I don't know what they're going through. Maybe they even have the same thing (probably not)! As far as they know, I'm some air-headed, spoiled, teenage brat working to get some spending money. But I'm still human. Please treat me that way. You must know it isn't my fault that your stupid pizza is late. I just want a job I love to do before I have to retire. I want to have a life! I want to live! I just want to be done with school. Ick.
I feel supremely (un)lucky. 1 in 8,000. Those were my chances of developing this disease with no family history. And here I sit. Here I rot.
I am SO sad. I can't explain how sad I am that my problems will not only remain, but I'll develop more and they will get worse. There is a reason I got a CT scan, and realizing there was nothing I could do about it was devastating. I hate knowing I have something disgusting inside my body. I hate my tiny veins. I hate knowing things will get worse. I hate that my body doesn't work properly now and they have nothing to help with my biggest, most personal problems. So I just have to be grateful right now??
I'm SO scared. Mostly about babies. I was already concerned about having babies because of the blood-clotting disorder. Now I have this. My chances for pre-eclampsia will increase even more, blood clotting risks will increase even more, chance of fetal loss increases, and there is a risk of permanent complications. ALSO, there is a 25% chance of passing on the blood-clotting disorder and a 50% of passing on PKD. How can I do that and not feel guilty? All the pressure from church...all the pressure from myself to give Stephen offspring...how can I do this? I don't want to go through all of this. I don't want to give myself shots every day during my pregnancy. I don't want to go through that. But I want Stephen to be a father. He'd seriously be the best father...
I am less depressed. I don't know what it is, but just when I think things have gotten to the point where I can't take it anymore, they just get worse. I'm being forced into resilience, I guess. I still get bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts, but I am less depressed overall.
So...it's not all bad.
Being diagnosed with a chronic, genetic, progressive, life-threatening illness does a lot of things. It changes a lot of things. I can't say most of them are good, because they're not. I have SO much less patience for stupid things, and there are so many stupid things.
For instance, all those people in those commercials about smoking. They're dying at like...54 and 57 that I can remember and they're saying "Don't smoke." Well yeah, don't smoke. I'm sorry it happened to you, but it was your own life in your own hands. Some people don't get a nice body to destroy. I don't feel nearly as much sympathy anymore, I just get mad. I'm lucky to live that long. And I'll always be sick. What did I do? What did people with cystic fibrosis or down syndrome do?
People pretending to care. I just love that. And I can tell when they do and they don't. So, if you actually care, thanks. It helps to know that. People who don't, just stop. It's fine. People b*tching at me over the phone when their freaking pizza is late. You have the time to torment a part time working college student for a late pizza. It's absolutely NEVER my fault that your pizza is late. Can't you just be gracious? Perhaps even grateful that things are going so well for you that you can chew someone out over a pizza. I would never do that and it's because I've experienced first hand that bad things happen and that those things just don't even matter! One bad thing happens and yeah, it's easy to get mad about it, but if bad things are happening to you all the time, you learn to live with it or you'll go crazy-nuts. Also, I have manners, so I wouldn't do that anyway.
I'm getting so desperate. Everything is a bigger deal now. I get frustrated when I've wasted a day doing something I don't want to. I get really mad when people are mean to me. "How can you be mean to me? I'm dying. I'm miserable." Of course they don't know what I'm going through. I don't know what they're going through. Maybe they even have the same thing (probably not)! As far as they know, I'm some air-headed, spoiled, teenage brat working to get some spending money. But I'm still human. Please treat me that way. You must know it isn't my fault that your stupid pizza is late. I just want a job I love to do before I have to retire. I want to have a life! I want to live! I just want to be done with school. Ick.
I feel supremely (un)lucky. 1 in 8,000. Those were my chances of developing this disease with no family history. And here I sit. Here I rot.
I am SO sad. I can't explain how sad I am that my problems will not only remain, but I'll develop more and they will get worse. There is a reason I got a CT scan, and realizing there was nothing I could do about it was devastating. I hate knowing I have something disgusting inside my body. I hate my tiny veins. I hate knowing things will get worse. I hate that my body doesn't work properly now and they have nothing to help with my biggest, most personal problems. So I just have to be grateful right now??
I'm SO scared. Mostly about babies. I was already concerned about having babies because of the blood-clotting disorder. Now I have this. My chances for pre-eclampsia will increase even more, blood clotting risks will increase even more, chance of fetal loss increases, and there is a risk of permanent complications. ALSO, there is a 25% chance of passing on the blood-clotting disorder and a 50% of passing on PKD. How can I do that and not feel guilty? All the pressure from church...all the pressure from myself to give Stephen offspring...how can I do this? I don't want to go through all of this. I don't want to give myself shots every day during my pregnancy. I don't want to go through that. But I want Stephen to be a father. He'd seriously be the best father...
I am less depressed. I don't know what it is, but just when I think things have gotten to the point where I can't take it anymore, they just get worse. I'm being forced into resilience, I guess. I still get bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts, but I am less depressed overall.
So...it's not all bad.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Blessing food.
There is a weird habit among people in many religions called "blessing the food". It's especially popular in mine. What usually happens in a blessing is that you say thanks (sometimes a forgotten step) and you then ask that God bless the food, 99% of the time "to nourish and strengthen our bodies". It never crosses their mind that they often do this over sugary "refreshments" or fatty foods.
I can't stand it. It's so arrogant to ask God to bless this kind of food after he's made the earth fertile enough to grow naturally tasty food, workers strong and healthy enough to tend to and remove it, money to buy it, people to prepare it, and everything else and then THEN you ask for even more - again, mostly over salty, fatty, sugary, or otherwise unhealthy food.
It's just a disgrace! The only thing you should be saying is "thank you". Give thanks. It's not: "let's bless the food" as if there is some natural taint to it and it will only be good if you ask God to make it so (he's already done that), it's: "let's give thanks."
My rant for the day.
I can't stand it. It's so arrogant to ask God to bless this kind of food after he's made the earth fertile enough to grow naturally tasty food, workers strong and healthy enough to tend to and remove it, money to buy it, people to prepare it, and everything else and then THEN you ask for even more - again, mostly over salty, fatty, sugary, or otherwise unhealthy food.
It's just a disgrace! The only thing you should be saying is "thank you". Give thanks. It's not: "let's bless the food" as if there is some natural taint to it and it will only be good if you ask God to make it so (he's already done that), it's: "let's give thanks."
My rant for the day.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Brother is back/Brain Things
So, on December 26th, 2012, I married my soulmate and gained a husband. With gaining that husband, I also gained a new family. Most notably some new siblings. A little brother, in fact. He's my husband's twin and he'd been on a mission for only 7 months at that point.
So, I lived a lot of life and grew up quite a bit with my husband while he was out and now he's finally back. It was really exciting for some reason. I was really happy to be able to celebrate and try to make him feel special. You can only do something like that at that age once, so it was kinda special.
Anyway, I'm just happy he's back. I'm happy my husband has someone to hang out with a be a guy with. I'm happy I get another brother because my blood brother is the best. I just love brothers. There is something unique about brothers.
I'm not quite sure what to talk about with him though. Obviously he would feel happy talking about the last two years of his life, but I can't stand missionary stories! I don't know what it is, something wrong with me clearly, but I just can't. But also, there wasn't too much going on with me. Just chronic genetic illnessm marriage, school, and plenty of work and life experience. So...I don't know. I don't want to bore him with my stories.
Aside from all this, I got a new bishop. He's a physician, so that's neat. He says I should be able to get back onto my parents' insurance. That would be awesome. I also told him about my long history of anxiety and he suggested cognitive behavioral therapy. He offered to sign me up for it and go with me to every one of my sessions! It was so...nice. Really nice. And somewhat scary. I don't want to change. I don't think I can. I don't want to try and fail, so I declined help, but he was excited about it, so that may change. I like him so far.
Welp. Today was great.
So, I lived a lot of life and grew up quite a bit with my husband while he was out and now he's finally back. It was really exciting for some reason. I was really happy to be able to celebrate and try to make him feel special. You can only do something like that at that age once, so it was kinda special.
Anyway, I'm just happy he's back. I'm happy my husband has someone to hang out with a be a guy with. I'm happy I get another brother because my blood brother is the best. I just love brothers. There is something unique about brothers.
I'm not quite sure what to talk about with him though. Obviously he would feel happy talking about the last two years of his life, but I can't stand missionary stories! I don't know what it is, something wrong with me clearly, but I just can't. But also, there wasn't too much going on with me. Just chronic genetic illnessm marriage, school, and plenty of work and life experience. So...I don't know. I don't want to bore him with my stories.
Aside from all this, I got a new bishop. He's a physician, so that's neat. He says I should be able to get back onto my parents' insurance. That would be awesome. I also told him about my long history of anxiety and he suggested cognitive behavioral therapy. He offered to sign me up for it and go with me to every one of my sessions! It was so...nice. Really nice. And somewhat scary. I don't want to change. I don't think I can. I don't want to try and fail, so I declined help, but he was excited about it, so that may change. I like him so far.
Welp. Today was great.
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