Mistakes.

It's a funny word. Everyone makes them. I guess my definition of a mistake is making a wrong choice or doing something wrong, whether knowingly or unknowingly, and realizing it was wrong/feeling sorry (perhaps even apologizing to those you've wronged would be nice), and trying to never do it again.

Let me break that down into steps. #1: making the wrong choice/doing something wrong. #2: Realizing it was wrong/apologize. #3: Never doing it again (or at least actually trying not to).

I have made mistakes in my life, but I know that what some people would consider mistakes in my life were certainly not. My "first time" was not a mistake. It was a deliberate choice. A choice I had the opportunity to make after a series of other choices that put me in that situation. Because I wasn't married to my husband at the time, it would be called a mistake by most.

But I did it again the next day. Yes, I felt bad. I also had to visit a doctor, so I was paying for it already. By all accounts, if it was a mistake, I should have stopped after the first time, but I didn't. Neither incident (and every incident following) were mistakes, they were choices. Bad choices.

There are complex reasons behind my choices. I knew we were going to get married. I had been suffering from a severe bout of depression and self-harming. I was coming off clonazepam. I loved him more than anything in the world. I wasn't used to someone loving me like that. I was inexperienced with relationships. Whatever suits your fancy. There are reasons behind everyone's choices, but don't confuse them with mistakes if they do it again.

A previous bishop was excommunicated for sleeping with his secretary. Maybe the first time was a mistake, but every other time was a choice. He could've avoided his secretary, changed jobs, truly repented, etc. but he clearly did nothing to stop it from happening again. That's a choice.

I think it's possible to repent for making bad choices though. Eventually I didn't feel bad about what I was doing. I justified it in my mind. I still think it was meant to happen. But to repent, you have to feel sorry about what you've done. You have to. And that's hard when you've spent such a long time making it okay.

I'm still working on me, but I guess I just had to rant because I'm tired of these things being the same. They're not. It's a mockery of people who actually do make real mistakes. Let's be more honest with each other and call them what they really are.