Can't even...

*Kinda another PKD post, but not really a PKD post*

Being diagnosed with a chronic, genetic, progressive, life-threatening illness does a lot of things. It changes a lot of things. I can't say most of them are good, because they're not. I have SO much less patience for stupid things, and there are so many stupid things.

For instance, all those people in those commercials about smoking. They're dying at like...54 and 57 that I can remember and they're saying "Don't smoke." Well yeah, don't smoke. I'm sorry it happened to you, but it was your own life in your own hands. Some people don't get a nice body to destroy. I don't feel nearly as much sympathy anymore, I just get mad. I'm lucky to live that long. And I'll always be sick. What did I do? What did people with cystic fibrosis or down syndrome do?

People pretending to care. I just love that. And I can tell when they do and they don't. So, if you actually care, thanks. It helps to know that. People who don't, just stop. It's fine. People b*tching at me over the phone when their freaking pizza is late. You have the time to torment a part time working college student for a late pizza. It's absolutely NEVER my fault that your pizza is late. Can't you just be gracious? Perhaps even grateful that things are going so well for you that you can chew someone out over a pizza. I would never do that and it's because I've experienced first hand that bad things happen and that those things just don't even matter! One bad thing happens and yeah, it's easy to get mad about it, but if bad things are happening to you all the time, you learn to live with it or you'll go crazy-nuts. Also, I have manners, so I wouldn't do that anyway.

I'm getting so desperate. Everything is a bigger deal now. I get frustrated when I've wasted a day doing something I don't want to. I get really mad when people are mean to me. "How can you be mean to me? I'm dying. I'm miserable." Of course they don't know what I'm going through. I don't know what they're going through. Maybe they even have the same thing (probably not)! As far as they know, I'm some air-headed, spoiled, teenage brat working to get some spending money. But I'm still human. Please treat me that way. You must know it isn't my fault that your stupid pizza is late. I just want a job I love to do before I have to retire. I want to have a life! I want to live! I just want to be done with school. Ick.

I feel supremely (un)lucky. 1 in 8,000. Those were my chances of developing this disease with no family history. And here I sit. Here I rot.

I am SO sad. I can't explain how sad I am that my problems will not only remain, but I'll develop more and they will get worse. There is a reason I got a CT scan, and realizing there was nothing I could do about it was devastating. I hate knowing I have something disgusting inside my body. I hate my tiny veins. I hate knowing things will get worse. I hate that my body doesn't work properly now and they have nothing to help with my biggest, most personal problems. So I just have to be grateful right now??

I'm SO scared. Mostly about babies. I was already concerned about having babies because of the blood-clotting disorder. Now I have this. My chances for pre-eclampsia will increase even more, blood clotting risks will increase even more, chance of fetal loss increases, and there is a risk of permanent complications. ALSO, there is a 25% chance of passing on the blood-clotting disorder and a 50% of passing on PKD. How can I do that and not feel guilty? All the pressure from church...all the pressure from myself to give Stephen offspring...how can I do this? I don't want to go through all of this. I don't want to give myself shots every day during my pregnancy. I don't want to go through that. But I want Stephen to be a father. He'd seriously be the best father...

I am less depressed. I don't know what it is, but just when I think things have gotten to the point where I can't take it anymore, they just get worse. I'm being forced into resilience, I guess. I still get bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts, but I am less depressed overall.

So...it's not all bad.