Because I'm nuts

If you're a member, you've surely heard about the new policy change. You're going to hear about it over and over for the next few weeks. And I want to share my feelings, but they're still fresh. Pretty fresh, anyway.

When I first heard about it last night (when I couldn't sleep because we had hometeachers and their wives coming over to hang out today), I could only cry. I kept asking God (/talking to myself, thinking God could hear me) "why?" over and over and over. It's something I do a lot, so I feel like we have a close relationship, but I'm probably just nuts.

I tried desperately to first make sure I knew what was actually being changed and then to understand why that change would be made. I know God works in ways we, as mortals, could never understand, but I still tried. I pleaded for this not to be true.

Within seconds, I was sure I would leave the church. No church I belonged to could teach us over and over that 8 year-olds can decide to be baptized. Why should it be different just because someone's parents aren't straight? Why aren't single parents being secluded? They're not the secular family described in The Proclamation. This church has begun to lead us astray. They're trying desperately to win a battle against the gays because they lost the war.

But I slowly recovered. Pretty slowly. Asking God over and over if it was true. How could it be true? Why would this change? Now? It's interesting timing...

I tried to find other arguments. Other..."takes" on it, rather (I hate arguments). Maybe I was being short-sighted. However, most "takes" I could find were from a place of superiority ("It doesn't bother me, because I'm a better member than you" or "It doesn't bother me because I have more understanding and faith than you") or a place of anger ("All you hipster mormons better get in line. God doesn't accept gay marriage and, as a member, you need to renounce it too" or "Gays wouldn't allow their kids to join the church anyway. Chill. Geeez.", "Why would you question God?").

Many people posted scripture or talks that separated the good members from the better. The last time that happened, I inflicted my biggest scar (also my last). I was so distraught that there was such contention within my own faith. They lost "the war on gays", so they turned internally and began tearing at those who believed in gay marriage. We weren't truly faithful, we didn't believe in the prophet or God, we were stupid or immature, etc. Oh my gosh, it really, really hurt to be verbally tarred and feathered by people who I called my brothers and sisters. Even my real family was posting these things, knowing full well how I felt about gay marriage and my faith.

This was almost as bad. And I think so because it doesn't affect me directly. I didn't feel directly singled out, I felt bad for the children who are now being singled out. Turned away from something they believe in just as much as any other 8 year-old or older. Why does it mean less when they say they "believe the church is true"? Ugh... I hate that cliche.

All I could think of was all these girls camps a young girl with same-sex parents couldn't attend. This girl all the others in her ward could've benefited from hearing. Her testimony. Her struggles that she now has to face alone. I thought of a young man, missionary-age, who couldn't serve because, like many men his age, he still lives with his parents.

I could only cry. And then I suddenly felt okay. My brain still didn't know what was happening or why, but my heart was okay.

Then I woke up on Friday, and logged in to see yet more opinions on the matter. Those filled with superiority, those filled with anger, those filled with sadness, and those filled with thoughts of leaving the church. The same ones I had briefly touched the night before.

And why didn't the church say something at first? Why did most of us hear about it on Facebook? On the news? Why wasn't this addressed skillfully and thoughtfully? How could this be inspired?

Family members, desperate to keep me in the church, shared their feelings. Their interpretations as to the reason for this change. They didn't need to. I know what I believe. However, I realized that if the gospel and the church were separate, they would still have no reason to worry, because I would've already left. I stay in the church, and I believe in the church because it is mentioned in the gospel as Christ's church. And I believe that gospel. More specifically, I believe in the Book of Mormon. I know it's true. It's not even a belief. I can't explain it with logic or science, but I know what I feel when I read it, and it's undeniable.

That's how I deal with alllll the many, many questionable things about the church. 1: All churches have questionable things about them. 2: People are SO imperfect. 3: I know the Book of Mormon is true. If it's true, then this must be true. If this is true, then I have to believe this. So on and so forth.

There is also the knowledge that everything will be set right in the afterlife.

Tonight I was sent an article explaining that children of same-sex marriages shouldn't have to decide between their family and the teachings of the church. It's too much for them. But 18 years old seems beyond that, doesn't it? I'm not sure if this is the reason. And I'm not even sure if it's legitimate, but I can accept it.

Still, I cry. When I think about it. I'm sad. I don't know if I want to go to church on Sunday. For a second, I thought of turning my hometeachers away for our visit next week. It's becomming abundantly clear that I'm not wanted in this church. That I'm somehow a mark on it because of my separate political beliefs. I'm almost to the point where I'd rather just leave. I'm tired of other members telling me what I am or how I'm less than them because of what I think or believe. I'm tired of them telling me they're better than me for this, that, or the other reason. God tells me otherwise. He loves all of us. We're all important to Him.

I'm not a member because of the other people. I certainly don't go to church for them (I've been avoiding church for a long time because of them). I go to church because I know I'm supposed to be there. For whatever reason. I believe in patriarchal blessings. I know the Book of Mormon is true. At the very core of it all, I love my savior and my Heavenly Father. Church is one of the places I can feel close to them. Though, I always feel close to them. Because I'm nuts.