I need to complain. For the past while now things have been really hard. I was hoping against hope that the sadness would go away with medicine. I think I knew better deep down that a pill can't do that, but I was hoping. And, while paxil did work for my depression, I doubt it could help with the sadness.
What I suffer from the most is sadness. Life is not as good or as easy as everyone says it will be. It's not as good or as easy as everyone makes it out to be. It's painful. More than anything, it's painful, disappointing, and unfair. My life, despite all the people looking on the outside wishing they had it, has never stopped being hard. It's never stopped being painful. I thought the worst was over when I graduated high school. The only difference was that I had the delusion that whatever I had to go through would be my own fault and that I'd have ways to prevent it.
Now I've been hurt by complete strangers along with the person I was supposed to matter the most to in the whole world. Girls dream of weddings their whole lives and everyone tells them it's the most special day of their life...it was truly a nightmare for me. The whole thing. People who don't even know me did their very best to ruin it for me because they felt slighted in some way. I'll never get those moments back. I'll never have a Christmas where I don't think of everyone yelling at us and threatening not to come. I wish I never told anyone. Sex, something everyone regarded as sacred, special, amazing, and flawless was tarnished from the start for me. When I did give "my most precious gift" away, it was to someone who'd already been with so many people. And I thought at least when I gave it to him, it was special. But it wasn't. It was mere weeks after he'd cheated on me twice. He hid that from me until right before we were engaged and the person he did it with never actually confessed and certainly never apologized for it. In fact, she had everyone around her thinking I was the liar. It was so humiliating and degrading. Most of all, it was heartbreaking. I loved him and I was convinced he loved me...
Not only that, but no one ever tells you you might not be able to do it normally. I really don't know why I can't function properly. Whenever I bring it up, it gets ignored or blown off as Stephen not romancing me enough or whatever. I know it's not him! It's not anything we can control. I can't help wonder if it would be as painful if people, my whole life, didn't put so much importance on sex. I can't help but feel broken when NO ONE else I know suffers from this. Not that our sex isn't just as enjoyable as sex without functionality issues (I think), I just hate knowing that I can't do it the normal way. I can't help but compare myself to all the other girls my husband has been with.
And now I'm becoming someone I never wanted to be. I'm still suffering. And now I have this freak genetic disease that literally came from nowhere. I have no one to take advice from. I'm so isolated. No one wants to be around me and I don't know if I want to be around people.
I've felt more hopeless than I do now. I've certainly felt more despair. But I don't think I've ever felt this lonely in my entire life.
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