Vindication/Rant/IDK

From about the time I could figure it out, I was not like everyone else - at least in the sense that I was behind developmentally/academically. I distinctly remember my 5th grade report card showing my abysmal scores (way below what was expected) in every single catagory except for "listening", which was at 81% or so. They always seemed to say that I was very nice though. It was like: "She can't do anything, but at least she's very kind." And it's not like whatever perceived kindness got me anywhere. I was constantly bullied about my hair and I only had one friend.

In middle school, the bullying was virtually non-existant. I found a punkish clique to which I felt I belonged. They were fun! I kinda miss it sometimes. Though my social life improved, my academic persuits didn't. They even got worse. It was so bad that I had to give up electives to make up classes and participate in summer school math. I just remember thinking how easy things seemed for my peers and how mad at myself I was for not doing as well.

I don't even remember how it happened (seemingly overnight), but my social life took a nosedive. I just started to get really nervous around people. Like...I was always quite nervous, but it was very easy to get past that and be extraverted. I truly believe I was extraverted. But it was just getting harder and harder to get over the anxiety. I didn't want to see anyone, ever. It had gotten so bad by my first day of highschool that I threw right up. My grades were not going to improve anytime soon. In the end, I could only get As in English, orchestra (and other music-related classes), and french. I was lucky to pass most of my other classes and I was in summer school every summer, that I can recall. They even made up some math class that I could take to graduate. By then, I'd been on sertraline (zoloft) for awhile and, even though I'd get higher and higher doeses, it just didn't seem to help much.

Everyone would keep saying that it would get better. I failed algebra, but "most people who don't do well in algebra tend to like geometry". I failed both miserably. I barely graduated high school, but "most people who don't like high school do better in college". Save for English, criminal justice, and mortuary science, I've barely passed or failed all other classes. I don't know how much longer I should waste my time.

Throughout all of this, it seemed like everyone ignored my problems. My anxiety, my deepening depression. I'd sleep so much and I'd get yelled at for it. I was called lazy. I was told I was smart, so I just wasn't working hard enough. I began to take my frustration onto myself and cut myself up and it still didn't seem to stop everyone from wanting me to be like everyone else. I was being selfish, yet I was suffering so much inside, wondering how everyone could do everything so easily. What was their secret?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

So, being diagnosed, finally, by someone who actually knew what they were doing was just pure vindication. Before, I hadn't even been diagnosed by a general practitioner who, like many others, just gave me whatever antidepressant came to mind. Now I've been prescribed an antidepressant that actually works as well as something for the anxiety - which turned out to be a problem in and of itself, rather than a secondary issue.

But now I have different struggles. I have to re-learn who I am, how to live in society, interact with people, and that going to school/out in public isn't scary (still draining though). The one struggle that stays the same, however, is academics. I'm still incredibly bad at math and it keeps me from doing things I really want to do. Namely, forensic science.

Then John suggested I get tested for a learning disability.

You know, that could be it. I can't believe I didn't think of it before. If it turned out that I do have a disability, I could get some help with that. They can even waiver future math courses for me if it was bad enough. What I really worry about is that it isn't. I worry it will turn out that I am just really bad at math and I'll have to just deal/avoid anything that has math involved.

No matter what happens though, I think I'm just done trying to be like everyone else around here!! The idea that I maybe couldn't earn a bachelors used to bother me so badly, but I think I'm over it now. Who cares? As long as I finsish something, anything, at this point, I'd be happy. It's not like I'll be able to work most of my life anyway, so WHO REALLY CARES?

My life is not about being successful, it's not about being educated, it's about service. Service. That doesn't require a degree/years of agony, it doesn't require an impressive mind, it requires love. Vastly underrated, but most important. It's time I realize that.