Trapped and defeated. That's the way I feel. When I think of my future, all I see is more work. It just feels like work and mediocrity. Monotony. I don't know if I ever want to go back to school at all. I don't know if I could ever hold a job anyway. I KNOW I'd make a terrible mother. I'd have no energy. I have no energy now! How could I gain some after a kid? I just want it to be over. I just want to finish life and be done. I don't look forward to the future at all.
I don't know why I'm still here. The medications keep me from offing myself, so I'm stuck in this misery that my brain creates for me! I do what everyone says is good for that. I'm grateful for every single thing I have - I know I don't deserve any of it. I certainly haven't earned any of it. I look for the positive where it can be found, but I'm not going to be delusional or ignorant. I'm taking medicine, I'm doing therapy...it helps, DEFINITELY, but just nowhere near enough.
Today I felt good because I went down a shopping isle that was full of people - inconsiderate ones at that - and I walked down it anyway (icecream is worth the pain!). My entire body was stiff, but I got great icecream! I was proud of myself. For walking down a stupid isle in a stupid grocery store.
That's a sad situation. A hopeless one.
I'm just done. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I don't hardly care except that I want Stephen to be happy. I wish I could help him right now. I feel so guilty that he's working 40 hours a week AND going to school half time and I'm here like..."I can't even finish school. And I'm exhausted from just being awake today."
I'm so useless and parasitic. I don't know how it got to be this way. When I was depressed before, it was bad enough, but I still had aspirations and hopes. I have nothing now.
Anyway, this is just getting long-winded and rediculous. I'm still here. Stephen is an absolute superstar. I love him soooo much. We have Millie and a place to live. We go on dates fairly often (a lot more recently, but that's because I'm freaking miserable). Life is alright. No one said this would be an easy ride, I get that. I just wish it was a happier ride. I wish I didn't feel like this all the time. How am I supposed to live like this? I can't do this for the rest of my life.
Ugh. Sorry about all the negative posts. I'm really not in a good place. Maybe I should get more medication. Tomorrow is therapy day. Maybe I'll have something constructive to say!
Vanessa,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. I wish you could see and feel how truly amazing you are, and actually believe it. You are one of the kindest people I have ever met. You care so deeply about things and that is something to really admire in someone. I hope everyone gets a chance to see you the way I have seen you and the way Stephen see's you because honestly if they did, no one would ever think twice about how wonderful of a person you are.
I wish you could get out of this rut, and do what you want, but honestly with depression getting up for the day, and waking up, IS an accomplishment. You are super hard on yourself. You are dealing with something that debilitates a lot of people, give yourself a break!
Anyway, just know that your words and your experiences are not for nothing. I am a dedicated reader of your blog, and really appreciate reading your highs and your lows. I love you Vanessa, and hope things do get better for you, so that you can be happy!
Love,
Brittney
Hey Brittney!
ReplyDeleteI had no idea you read my blog! I appreciate it and, at the same time, am super-embarrassed to learn that someone as positive and productive as you is reading my constant complaints. Thank you for taking the time to compose such a kind message. It means a lot - especially considering how busy you are. I love you too, Britt. Thank you so much!