Sometimes it dawns on me how much of a hermit I am.
And I'm perfectly fine with it.
I've deactivated my facebook account - basically my only connection to the outside world - and I feel much happier on average. I also have more time to do things that are more fun. Win-win! Usually I don't see or interact with anyone but Stephen and fastfood workers/waiters and I really like it that way. It makes the occasions where I see my handful of friends or family extra special.
Anyway, I've been having a crazy hard time getting a proper sleep schedule, so today I completely embarrassed myself when someone said hello to me and I replied by saying "Good morning." It was freaking 5:30pm. Most people got up about 12 hours ago. It's not morning.
My anxiety, as you may remember, has improved tremendously. However, I'm realizing it's still not where I want it to be. I get really anxious if someone compliments me. I still get irritated/freaked at semi-loud noises. I'm still avoiding church and other activities where I'll be exposed to people for prolonged periods. I'm not sure if that's anxiety or just normal. It's hard to guage what's normal when you don't know what normal is.
I've also had vast improvement in my IBS-C, which leads me to think a lot of that was from anxiety because this medicine is supposed to worsen that issue, but it's not so in my case. I'm so grateful.
I just wish I could find a similarly miracle-working drug for the depression. I never realized how debilitating it was. I just blamed everything on the anxiety. I just don't want to do anything. I'm so incredibly fatigued - though that is a symptom of depression, anxiety, and PKD. I don't find much enjoyment in anything. I worry what kind of useless life I'll live if I don't get this fixed.
Despite all that, things have really been improving for me and I couldn't be more grateful.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Thursday, November 20, 2014
P word results
It was too good to be true.
While it did bring my depression (reportedly severe) to a level field on day 1, which is amazing, it just stayed there. I couldn't "be happy" and laugh. It was zombifying. Which would've been okay since it's better than feeling horrendous all the time. But it didn't help with motivation and it only helped the fatigue slightly.
It's better than nothing though, and I was willing to give it an honest go. At least (TMI alert) until I realized what it did to my female organs. My libido is crazy high, and I'm alright in the arousal area, but "getting the rains down in Africa" and "finishing the race" have always been troublesome for me. Like, insane difficult. It's a very hurtful, depressing, and sensitive subject for me. Though paxil made it rain big time, the race could only be finished after at least twice as long as it usually takes with twice as much work and with much less reward than usual. On the first day!
I'd read some reviews and studies saying it really affected that area of someone's life, but I didn't believe them and I figured it could have the opposite effect for me since I was getting more serotonin. Didn't happen that way. And, while the relief paxil gives is amazing, I just can't let that area of my life get worse. I can't. Also I enjoy laughing and having a personality, as crappy as it may be.
However, I'd highly recommend this to people who are not sexually active and can handle being a little...tranquil.
While it did bring my depression (reportedly severe) to a level field on day 1, which is amazing, it just stayed there. I couldn't "be happy" and laugh. It was zombifying. Which would've been okay since it's better than feeling horrendous all the time. But it didn't help with motivation and it only helped the fatigue slightly.
It's better than nothing though, and I was willing to give it an honest go. At least (TMI alert) until I realized what it did to my female organs. My libido is crazy high, and I'm alright in the arousal area, but "getting the rains down in Africa" and "finishing the race" have always been troublesome for me. Like, insane difficult. It's a very hurtful, depressing, and sensitive subject for me. Though paxil made it rain big time, the race could only be finished after at least twice as long as it usually takes with twice as much work and with much less reward than usual. On the first day!
I'd read some reviews and studies saying it really affected that area of someone's life, but I didn't believe them and I figured it could have the opposite effect for me since I was getting more serotonin. Didn't happen that way. And, while the relief paxil gives is amazing, I just can't let that area of my life get worse. I can't. Also I enjoy laughing and having a personality, as crappy as it may be.
However, I'd highly recommend this to people who are not sexually active and can handle being a little...tranquil.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
The P word.
So, at John's advice, I contacted Dr.K and told her I was not taking the paxil. She asked why and I told her that I was too scared of the side-effects. She asked which ones and I instantly listed the sexual dysfunction, the insane weight gain, and the constipation. I have enough of those three things already, and they're just now improving with the gabapentin. No thanks.
She continued to say that it's scary for everyone to start and that not everyone has bad side-effects (though I'm convinced otherwise). She said that I am, of course, free to do what I want, but that she strongly encourages that I take it.
How could I say no to her? She knows what she's doing and I see her in 2 weeks. I can try it for 2 weeks. So I took one just a few hours ago.
It's actually really nice! I don't know if it's the placebo effect (because SSRI's aren't supposed to really kick in for a month plus) or what, but I feel way less depressed already. Motivation hasn't seemed to be affected, but the feeling of absolute misery has turned to like...levelness.
Maybe I'm crazy. It's already making me really tired/stretchy/yawny though and I'm still really worried about the side-effects, but I am willing to give Paxil a real shot.
She continued to say that it's scary for everyone to start and that not everyone has bad side-effects (though I'm convinced otherwise). She said that I am, of course, free to do what I want, but that she strongly encourages that I take it.
How could I say no to her? She knows what she's doing and I see her in 2 weeks. I can try it for 2 weeks. So I took one just a few hours ago.
It's actually really nice! I don't know if it's the placebo effect (because SSRI's aren't supposed to really kick in for a month plus) or what, but I feel way less depressed already. Motivation hasn't seemed to be affected, but the feeling of absolute misery has turned to like...levelness.
Maybe I'm crazy. It's already making me really tired/stretchy/yawny though and I'm still really worried about the side-effects, but I am willing to give Paxil a real shot.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
No one understands.
At least that's how it feels. Even people who claim to have depression (a "cool" thing to have, it seems) don't really seem to get it and it certainly doesn't help that they post anything mentioning it to Facebook for attention - generally more opinions about depression from people who aren't depressed.
I'm here to tell you, it's not as simple as altitude or oxygen. It's not as simple as divorced parents or "a hard childhood". It's just not. With those reasons, even though some of them are applicable to most people with depression, it just minimalizes depression. Everytime someone blames one thing or another, it's just minimalizing. Depression is as complex as it is mysterious. It's truly disabling the deeper it gets. I'm just frustrated with fighting for the legitimacy of this illness when so many people don't understand it.
It's worse than PKD. At least with that, no one knows enough about it to judge the people who have it. But depression? Too many people claim to have it and then go on to complain about every small thing, beg for attention for it, and spread their opinions and misinformation. It really makes us look bad.
I'm not ungrateful. I'm not a pessimist. Most of my days aren't "bad" despite my problems. I try to always have a good attitude (it helps that I'm home 99% of the time). My point is that we're not all like the stereotype. In fact, the people I know (who probably have a deeper depression than me because they've attempted suicide) look happy. They don't bully anyone and they don't complain. Ever. Which is better than me.
I don't know. I feel like I'm patronizing everyone's struggles right now. I'm not trying to do that, I just mean to illustrate that no one understands. Despite the fact that it's absolutely sabotaging my life and the lives of others, some people don't even believe in depression and that people can just "pull themselves out of it". For this, I totally blame people who use self-diagnosed depression as a tool for attention.
I'm here to tell you, it's not as simple as altitude or oxygen. It's not as simple as divorced parents or "a hard childhood". It's just not. With those reasons, even though some of them are applicable to most people with depression, it just minimalizes depression. Everytime someone blames one thing or another, it's just minimalizing. Depression is as complex as it is mysterious. It's truly disabling the deeper it gets. I'm just frustrated with fighting for the legitimacy of this illness when so many people don't understand it.
It's worse than PKD. At least with that, no one knows enough about it to judge the people who have it. But depression? Too many people claim to have it and then go on to complain about every small thing, beg for attention for it, and spread their opinions and misinformation. It really makes us look bad.
I'm not ungrateful. I'm not a pessimist. Most of my days aren't "bad" despite my problems. I try to always have a good attitude (it helps that I'm home 99% of the time). My point is that we're not all like the stereotype. In fact, the people I know (who probably have a deeper depression than me because they've attempted suicide) look happy. They don't bully anyone and they don't complain. Ever. Which is better than me.
I don't know. I feel like I'm patronizing everyone's struggles right now. I'm not trying to do that, I just mean to illustrate that no one understands. Despite the fact that it's absolutely sabotaging my life and the lives of others, some people don't even believe in depression and that people can just "pull themselves out of it". For this, I totally blame people who use self-diagnosed depression as a tool for attention.
Medication Update
I don't know what to do. My cognition, once again, is diminishing with the anticonvulsant. I had hope that this would be different because gabapentin is not a controlled substance.
Alas, my cognition is leaving me and I think it's progressing. I forget words much more easily and I'm starting to make pauses again (though, not as badly). I get dizzy after standing for so long and I'm definitely not as alert when I'm driving. I think that's just because of the lack of anxiety though.
Speaking of which, I'm still really happy with the anti-anxiety benefits. I'm free to be a loving person! There was a couple in the laundry room and we went in soon after them (something that would've caused me some issues before) and, when they left, they said goodbye. I not only said goodbye back without being completely awkward, I also added: "Have a good night!". I feel like a real person now, though I'm still learning to adjust to me minus anxiety.
So that's AWESOME! The depression, however, remains unhelped. I'm too scared. But I'm so incredibly miserable that I have no motivation or energy to do anything.
I was talking with John the other day and he suggested I disclose my issues to my teachers in an attempt to plead for mercy to save my grades. He said he'd be willing to write a letter for me because my psych test scores were "significant". I feel like my depression is significant, but I'm so embarrassed about it. I literally can't even imagine disclosing it, especially because it would seem like an excuse (and I'm NOT into that). I'm also worried I'll cry and that's...terrible. Cop teachers, remember?
I will see John and Dr.K again in the beginning of December, but I'm thinking I should try to get a different AntiD prescription before I see her again, or at least inform her that I'm not taking the Paxil.
Alas, my cognition is leaving me and I think it's progressing. I forget words much more easily and I'm starting to make pauses again (though, not as badly). I get dizzy after standing for so long and I'm definitely not as alert when I'm driving. I think that's just because of the lack of anxiety though.
Speaking of which, I'm still really happy with the anti-anxiety benefits. I'm free to be a loving person! There was a couple in the laundry room and we went in soon after them (something that would've caused me some issues before) and, when they left, they said goodbye. I not only said goodbye back without being completely awkward, I also added: "Have a good night!". I feel like a real person now, though I'm still learning to adjust to me minus anxiety.
So that's AWESOME! The depression, however, remains unhelped. I'm too scared. But I'm so incredibly miserable that I have no motivation or energy to do anything.
I was talking with John the other day and he suggested I disclose my issues to my teachers in an attempt to plead for mercy to save my grades. He said he'd be willing to write a letter for me because my psych test scores were "significant". I feel like my depression is significant, but I'm so embarrassed about it. I literally can't even imagine disclosing it, especially because it would seem like an excuse (and I'm NOT into that). I'm also worried I'll cry and that's...terrible. Cop teachers, remember?
I will see John and Dr.K again in the beginning of December, but I'm thinking I should try to get a different AntiD prescription before I see her again, or at least inform her that I'm not taking the Paxil.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
I don't know why I've come back. I guess I just wanted people to see the real me. Me minus major depression and social phobia.
So far, it's just been disappointing. Besides the constant misinterpretation of my complex feelings and ideas, I don't think I like hearing what people have to say about some things. I wish (and thought) I was adult enough to get over it, but I can't handle it when someone is uninformed about something and yet they have very firm opinions based in that ignorance. Not that I can blame them. As open-minded as I am (or thought I was), I still came to my beliefs through experience and knowledge, just as they have. Their opinions are just as valid to them as mine are to me. My point is that I feel like every single thing I post is something someone has a problem with. And I guess the solution to that is to never post controversial things or things that are important to me, but where else can I do that? What is Facebook for, if not posting things that are important to you or that you like? And it's not even like anyone cares what I think or like anyway.
And then there is the fact that, now that my anxiety is gone and my depression is in full bloom, I don't really understand who I am. Sometimes I feel like "Wow, I'm actually pretty cool." and then other times I feel like "Wow, I'm super boring and much more irritable than I thought. Total package." Anxiety has just been such a huge part of me and it had affected so much that I'm just lost now. It's difficult to find yourself after that and I worry a lot that I just won't like me.
I worry no one likes me sometimes. Not that that's essential for my life goals, but it would be nice to feel like I mean something to someone. I want to mean something to myself, most of all, but that can only happen after I become much more patient, much more open, loving, charitable, and much less depressed. Good freaking luck.
In summation: Facebook sucks. I should probably delete it again.
So far, it's just been disappointing. Besides the constant misinterpretation of my complex feelings and ideas, I don't think I like hearing what people have to say about some things. I wish (and thought) I was adult enough to get over it, but I can't handle it when someone is uninformed about something and yet they have very firm opinions based in that ignorance. Not that I can blame them. As open-minded as I am (or thought I was), I still came to my beliefs through experience and knowledge, just as they have. Their opinions are just as valid to them as mine are to me. My point is that I feel like every single thing I post is something someone has a problem with. And I guess the solution to that is to never post controversial things or things that are important to me, but where else can I do that? What is Facebook for, if not posting things that are important to you or that you like? And it's not even like anyone cares what I think or like anyway.
And then there is the fact that, now that my anxiety is gone and my depression is in full bloom, I don't really understand who I am. Sometimes I feel like "Wow, I'm actually pretty cool." and then other times I feel like "Wow, I'm super boring and much more irritable than I thought. Total package." Anxiety has just been such a huge part of me and it had affected so much that I'm just lost now. It's difficult to find yourself after that and I worry a lot that I just won't like me.
I worry no one likes me sometimes. Not that that's essential for my life goals, but it would be nice to feel like I mean something to someone. I want to mean something to myself, most of all, but that can only happen after I become much more patient, much more open, loving, charitable, and much less depressed. Good freaking luck.
In summation: Facebook sucks. I should probably delete it again.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
It's been a week.
You know how it's been. Pretty good! I feel like I can actually talk to people and that I can do things. The biggest challenge has been the depression. I have yet to take another paxil, I'm just too dang scared. And not just because of the weight anymore.
I've been getting...other benefits. Not to get too graphic, but my bedroom physiology is thriving a ltitle better now. A little, but that in itself is reason enough to continue! I also feel like my IBS-C has improved greatly. I'm "going" every single day (minus yesterday, but that's probably because of what I ate). Can you believe it??? I feel like it's too good to be true myself, because I have no idea why it'd have that effect. In fact, it reportedly has the opposite effect, but I'm not complaining!
ANYWAY, it's been great so far for anxiety and other things. Now my biggest deamon is depression. It is debilitating. It is monstrous. I don't know how anyone who has it worse than me can keep living, let alone do everyday things. It really is just...ugh. I feel like I've accomplished something big when I get out of bed. Nothing matters, everything is just hard, you're absolutely exhausted, fed-up, and miserable through no choice of your own.
And it doesn't help to know people might make assumptions about you. Like, I just got a talk handed to me and it's title has something to do with gratitude. It's not that I'm ungrateful. I really am grateful for everything. And I'm not a black sheep. I'm not lazy. I'm not a hateful person. I'm terrified of people. It's something I can't control. I love people. I love social science. My life calling is to help people. So, trust me, I wish I could change this about myself, but it's not going anywhere. I'm depressed. I have a lack of energy and of motivation. It's not like I love having a messy car or dishes piled in the sink. It's not like I think clothes look good on the floor. It's not like I like having no job and wasting my days.
But I feel better when I do get around to doing the things I should. Accomplishments! Like today, I decorated for Christmas and I got rid of some recycling and I cleaned the car. I'm going to school, which is something a lot of us apparently can't do. Not that I'm doing well, but I'm trying! I was visited yesterday by a stake leader and he is a psychiatric pharmacist! So he knew a lot about my illnesses and medicines. It was cool.
Anyway, now I'm rambling. Things are good! The end.
I've been getting...other benefits. Not to get too graphic, but my bedroom physiology is thriving a ltitle better now. A little, but that in itself is reason enough to continue! I also feel like my IBS-C has improved greatly. I'm "going" every single day (minus yesterday, but that's probably because of what I ate). Can you believe it??? I feel like it's too good to be true myself, because I have no idea why it'd have that effect. In fact, it reportedly has the opposite effect, but I'm not complaining!
ANYWAY, it's been great so far for anxiety and other things. Now my biggest deamon is depression. It is debilitating. It is monstrous. I don't know how anyone who has it worse than me can keep living, let alone do everyday things. It really is just...ugh. I feel like I've accomplished something big when I get out of bed. Nothing matters, everything is just hard, you're absolutely exhausted, fed-up, and miserable through no choice of your own.
And it doesn't help to know people might make assumptions about you. Like, I just got a talk handed to me and it's title has something to do with gratitude. It's not that I'm ungrateful. I really am grateful for everything. And I'm not a black sheep. I'm not lazy. I'm not a hateful person. I'm terrified of people. It's something I can't control. I love people. I love social science. My life calling is to help people. So, trust me, I wish I could change this about myself, but it's not going anywhere. I'm depressed. I have a lack of energy and of motivation. It's not like I love having a messy car or dishes piled in the sink. It's not like I think clothes look good on the floor. It's not like I like having no job and wasting my days.
But I feel better when I do get around to doing the things I should. Accomplishments! Like today, I decorated for Christmas and I got rid of some recycling and I cleaned the car. I'm going to school, which is something a lot of us apparently can't do. Not that I'm doing well, but I'm trying! I was visited yesterday by a stake leader and he is a psychiatric pharmacist! So he knew a lot about my illnesses and medicines. It was cool.
Anyway, now I'm rambling. Things are good! The end.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Lesson learned?
Last night I was experiencing some anxiety and restlessness. I did not want to be anxious and the anxiety exacerbated itself because I do not want this to stop working. I worried it was getting less effective as I got used to it.
SO, in a moment of brilliance, I took twice my regular dose. Needless to say, I woke up later and my head was spinning. I've never been so miserably dizzy in my entire life. Maybe because of that dizziness, I was a sliver away from throwing up. Stephen's voice was intolerable as I couldn't process one more sensation without added misery. I suddenly felt hot and took the blanket off. That's when I noticed my entire body was wet with cold sweat. Like..ice cold sweat. I've never experienced that before.
It was horrendous, but I think I've learned my lesson.
SO, in a moment of brilliance, I took twice my regular dose. Needless to say, I woke up later and my head was spinning. I've never been so miserably dizzy in my entire life. Maybe because of that dizziness, I was a sliver away from throwing up. Stephen's voice was intolerable as I couldn't process one more sensation without added misery. I suddenly felt hot and took the blanket off. That's when I noticed my entire body was wet with cold sweat. Like..ice cold sweat. I've never experienced that before.
It was horrendous, but I think I've learned my lesson.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Medicine day 3/4
Well, there is some good news and some bad news.
I don't really get headaches anymore. I love that! I'm extremely pleased with the gabapentin for anxiety. I'm still very sensitive/distraught about the bowel issues. I'm seriously considering getting a J pouch or something because I know I'm not going to get help for that. I'm absolutely fed up with doctors not listening to me.
So the anxiety is astoundingly close to nil. I finally feel like a real person. I'm feeling much weaker though, but that's not a huge deal. I almost never feel hungry! That might be the bowel issues, but it's nice to not crave food 24/7.
The most inexplicable thing, though, is my absolute nightmarish depression. I had no idea it was this bad. I thought my anxiety was keeping me from doing everything, but now that it's gone I realize that I just don't want to do anything. I have no motivation to leave my bed, let alone go out and eat food (one of my favorite hobbies). It seems like a big chore now. I have no motivation whatsoever and I'm on the verge of tears at all times. It's unexpected. I guess I'm mild to moderately suicidal. I just worry I'll mess up and become disabled or something and I'll miss Stephen, but that's it. I'm so miserable, I don't think God would punish me for it.
And it's not like I have much to live for. How could I raise a child like this? I don't even know if I'm healthy enough to have one. How can I graduate college with this level of utter indifference? And I'm only going to get sicker. I'm just a waste of resources, really. And I don't want to be alive if I can't contribute anything positive to this world.
But then I remember that some things get better with time. If I had ended my life say...5 years ago. I would never have met the love of my life! I would not know how awesome college could be. I would never have met my friends. Likewise, a lot of the bad things that have happened to me wouldn't have happened, but I feel like I get stronger with every challenge (and then more pile on).
Anyway, I'm extremely depressed and I can hardly stand it. While I'm pretty sure it's just unmasking what anxiety was hiding, it could be a side effect of gabapentin. It says it can cause depression, so it could just be worsening my MDD. But I feel like I'm thinking rather clearly and rationally so...I don't know. I'm going to talk with John (the therapist) about it this Friday.
I don't really get headaches anymore. I love that! I'm extremely pleased with the gabapentin for anxiety. I'm still very sensitive/distraught about the bowel issues. I'm seriously considering getting a J pouch or something because I know I'm not going to get help for that. I'm absolutely fed up with doctors not listening to me.
So the anxiety is astoundingly close to nil. I finally feel like a real person. I'm feeling much weaker though, but that's not a huge deal. I almost never feel hungry! That might be the bowel issues, but it's nice to not crave food 24/7.
The most inexplicable thing, though, is my absolute nightmarish depression. I had no idea it was this bad. I thought my anxiety was keeping me from doing everything, but now that it's gone I realize that I just don't want to do anything. I have no motivation to leave my bed, let alone go out and eat food (one of my favorite hobbies). It seems like a big chore now. I have no motivation whatsoever and I'm on the verge of tears at all times. It's unexpected. I guess I'm mild to moderately suicidal. I just worry I'll mess up and become disabled or something and I'll miss Stephen, but that's it. I'm so miserable, I don't think God would punish me for it.
And it's not like I have much to live for. How could I raise a child like this? I don't even know if I'm healthy enough to have one. How can I graduate college with this level of utter indifference? And I'm only going to get sicker. I'm just a waste of resources, really. And I don't want to be alive if I can't contribute anything positive to this world.
But then I remember that some things get better with time. If I had ended my life say...5 years ago. I would never have met the love of my life! I would not know how awesome college could be. I would never have met my friends. Likewise, a lot of the bad things that have happened to me wouldn't have happened, but I feel like I get stronger with every challenge (and then more pile on).
Anyway, I'm extremely depressed and I can hardly stand it. While I'm pretty sure it's just unmasking what anxiety was hiding, it could be a side effect of gabapentin. It says it can cause depression, so it could just be worsening my MDD. But I feel like I'm thinking rather clearly and rationally so...I don't know. I'm going to talk with John (the therapist) about it this Friday.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Freaked Out
I'm extremely freaked out. I know I'm supposed to take the medicine and deal, but I can't possibly deal with weight gain. I can't. I'm desperate to enjoy the body I have now before it gets gross. I can't deal with weight gain.
But Paxil is the most potent SSRI, so it's the best they can offer as far as that class goes, but it is also the most infamous for causing weight gain. I can't deal with that! I don't know if I can keep taking those.
On another note, I'm basically loving the Gabbapentin for anxiety! It works pretty quickly. The first pill felt like the top of my head was blocked off and replaced with heavy books which were tied to threads pulling my lower jaw. It was weird. I still get jaw tightness on and off, but it's pretty much worth it. I've been getting what feels like mini headaches or pre-headaches where the books were, but that might just be my brain getting used to things.
I also worry it's affected my digestion. As bad as it is already, it seems as though the pill has blocked off nerves in my bowels. Or maybe muscles? I don't know. It just seems like things I used to be able to push with are no longer under my control.
That's probably TMI. Anyway, I'm okay with the results so far. I wish the bad side effects didn't exist or I'd love the results, but you get what you get.
But Paxil is the most potent SSRI, so it's the best they can offer as far as that class goes, but it is also the most infamous for causing weight gain. I can't deal with that! I don't know if I can keep taking those.
On another note, I'm basically loving the Gabbapentin for anxiety! It works pretty quickly. The first pill felt like the top of my head was blocked off and replaced with heavy books which were tied to threads pulling my lower jaw. It was weird. I still get jaw tightness on and off, but it's pretty much worth it. I've been getting what feels like mini headaches or pre-headaches where the books were, but that might just be my brain getting used to things.
I also worry it's affected my digestion. As bad as it is already, it seems as though the pill has blocked off nerves in my bowels. Or maybe muscles? I don't know. It just seems like things I used to be able to push with are no longer under my control.
That's probably TMI. Anyway, I'm okay with the results so far. I wish the bad side effects didn't exist or I'd love the results, but you get what you get.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Getting Help
You may have noticed that I've not been writing at all lately. It's because I couldn't handle myself anymore! I tried cutting everything out of my life (especially social media and blogging) to take a minute and figure out what my problem was.
As you may or may not know, I've had an interesting and unsuccessful battle with mental illness. All this time I figured general anxiety disorder was the main problem and depression was secondary to that. I tried a few treatments and nothing worked (without serious side effects anyway), so I figured I'd just deal with it on my own.
That obviously wasn't working. After losing my job and doing poorly yet again in school (with no good excuse this time), I sucked it up and sought help. I'm glad I did. My problem was not generalized anxiety disorder, it was social anxiety disorder (with hypervigilance) and major depressive disorder. I've been diagnosed by an actual mental health professional now.
I then saw a psychiatric nurse practitioner who has started me on medication. She wants to see how this goes and then decide on new medication or changing doses. I've done some very cursory research into these medications and what I like the most is that neither of them is a controlled substance. One is classified as an analgesic, so that's odd, but I'm grateful for the pain relief and social anxiety benefits. It's apparently useful for people like me. It's probably why she prescribed it. Smart lady! Also, I've been prescribed Paxil for the depression and anxiety. It's good for "drug-resistant mood and anxiety disorders" as well as PTSD and OCD. So that's also appreciated.
I'd be surprised if this wasn't just the beginning of a long search for the right medication and doses, but I'm feeling good about this. It seems as though she really knew her stuff and I love that I'm getting help for my real problems and not just some pussy antidepressant that doesn't work.
Everyone has been really supportive. I'm not that surprised as I have many friends who also battle with chronic illnesses and depression. I'm still a little embarrassed. I know of too many people who look down on those with depression. And how could I be depressed with everything I have? But I know it's not under anyone's control. It's a medical issue just as much as a mental one.
Anyway, I'm hoping to feel better soon and start to really live. That would be nice.
As you may or may not know, I've had an interesting and unsuccessful battle with mental illness. All this time I figured general anxiety disorder was the main problem and depression was secondary to that. I tried a few treatments and nothing worked (without serious side effects anyway), so I figured I'd just deal with it on my own.
That obviously wasn't working. After losing my job and doing poorly yet again in school (with no good excuse this time), I sucked it up and sought help. I'm glad I did. My problem was not generalized anxiety disorder, it was social anxiety disorder (with hypervigilance) and major depressive disorder. I've been diagnosed by an actual mental health professional now.
I then saw a psychiatric nurse practitioner who has started me on medication. She wants to see how this goes and then decide on new medication or changing doses. I've done some very cursory research into these medications and what I like the most is that neither of them is a controlled substance. One is classified as an analgesic, so that's odd, but I'm grateful for the pain relief and social anxiety benefits. It's apparently useful for people like me. It's probably why she prescribed it. Smart lady! Also, I've been prescribed Paxil for the depression and anxiety. It's good for "drug-resistant mood and anxiety disorders" as well as PTSD and OCD. So that's also appreciated.
I'd be surprised if this wasn't just the beginning of a long search for the right medication and doses, but I'm feeling good about this. It seems as though she really knew her stuff and I love that I'm getting help for my real problems and not just some pussy antidepressant that doesn't work.
Everyone has been really supportive. I'm not that surprised as I have many friends who also battle with chronic illnesses and depression. I'm still a little embarrassed. I know of too many people who look down on those with depression. And how could I be depressed with everything I have? But I know it's not under anyone's control. It's a medical issue just as much as a mental one.
Anyway, I'm hoping to feel better soon and start to really live. That would be nice.
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