It's been a week.

You know how it's been. Pretty good! I feel like I can actually talk to people and that I can do things. The biggest challenge has been the depression. I have yet to take another paxil, I'm just too dang scared. And not just because of the weight anymore.

I've been getting...other benefits. Not to get too graphic, but my bedroom physiology is thriving a ltitle better now. A little, but that in itself is reason enough to continue! I also feel like my IBS-C has improved greatly. I'm "going" every single day (minus yesterday, but that's probably because of what I ate). Can you believe it??? I feel like it's too good to be true myself, because I have no idea why it'd have that effect. In fact, it reportedly has the opposite effect, but I'm not complaining!

ANYWAY, it's been great so far for anxiety and other things. Now my biggest deamon is depression. It is debilitating. It is monstrous. I don't know how anyone who has it worse than me can keep living, let alone do everyday things. It really is just...ugh. I feel like I've accomplished something big when I get out of bed. Nothing matters, everything is just hard, you're absolutely exhausted, fed-up, and miserable through no choice of your own.

And it doesn't help to know people might make assumptions about you. Like, I just got a talk handed to me and it's title has something to do with gratitude. It's not that I'm ungrateful. I really am grateful for everything. And I'm not a black sheep. I'm not lazy. I'm not a hateful person. I'm terrified of people. It's something I can't control. I love people. I love social science. My life calling is to help people. So, trust me, I wish I could change this about myself, but it's not going anywhere. I'm depressed. I have a lack of energy and of motivation. It's not like I love having a messy car or dishes piled in the sink. It's not like I think clothes look good on the floor. It's not like I like having no job and wasting my days.

But I feel better when I do get around to doing the things I should. Accomplishments! Like today, I decorated for Christmas and I got rid of some recycling and I cleaned the car. I'm going to school, which is something a lot of us apparently can't do. Not that I'm doing well, but I'm trying! I was visited yesterday by a stake leader and he is a psychiatric pharmacist! So he knew a lot about my illnesses and medicines. It was cool.

Anyway, now I'm rambling. Things are good! The end.