Medicine day 3/4

Well, there is some good news and some bad news.

I don't really get headaches anymore. I love that! I'm extremely pleased with the gabapentin for anxiety. I'm still very sensitive/distraught about the bowel issues. I'm seriously considering getting a J pouch or something because I know I'm not going to get help for that. I'm absolutely fed up with doctors not listening to me.

So the anxiety is astoundingly close to nil. I finally feel like a real person. I'm feeling much weaker though, but that's not a huge deal. I almost never feel hungry! That might be the bowel issues, but it's nice to not crave food 24/7.

The most inexplicable thing, though, is my absolute nightmarish depression. I had no idea it was this bad. I thought my anxiety was keeping me from doing everything, but now that it's gone I realize that I just don't want to do anything. I have no motivation to leave my bed, let alone go out and eat food (one of my favorite hobbies). It seems like a big chore now. I have no motivation whatsoever and I'm on the verge of tears at all times. It's unexpected. I guess I'm mild to moderately suicidal. I just worry I'll mess up and become disabled or something and I'll miss Stephen, but that's it. I'm so miserable, I don't think God would punish me for it.

And it's not like I have much to live for. How could I raise a child like this? I don't even know if I'm healthy enough to have one. How can I graduate college with this level of utter indifference? And I'm only going to get sicker. I'm just a waste of resources, really. And I don't want to be alive if I can't contribute anything positive to this world.

But then I remember that some things get better with time. If I had ended my life say...5 years ago. I would never have met the love of my life! I would not know how awesome college could be. I would never have met my friends. Likewise, a lot of the bad things that have happened to me wouldn't have happened, but I feel like I get stronger with every challenge (and then more pile on).

Anyway, I'm extremely depressed and I can hardly stand it. While I'm pretty sure it's just unmasking what anxiety was hiding, it could be a side effect of gabapentin. It says it can cause depression, so it could just be worsening my MDD. But I feel like I'm thinking rather clearly and rationally so...I don't know. I'm going to talk with John (the therapist) about it this Friday.