Music is a sport

I should explain first that I took piano lessons for about 12 years. I played viola for 10 and took a few years of lessons in there. So, this is not coming from someone who doesn't appreciate music or wasn't good at  it.

Given that, I have to say that I really hate the underbelly of the music world. Percussion is a little different from all the others, so I don't know how that is, but I know with singers and other musicians, it's always a competition. "I have to have first chair." "I have to be section leader." "I have to sound better than everyone else."

It's always about comparing and lesson history and practice time. No one really appreciates another, it's all about being better than all of them. Being the best.

I never learned to read music. Piano music is definitely a goner and viola has it's own clef, which I was eventually able to translate into 'the placement of this note means this finger goes there'. I was never able to figure out the time measurements or how much time value notes got. Luckily, I have ears and was able to listen. That's how I got by. I learned to associate this section of what I heard to this section of what may as well have been Chinese (notes). Even better, my memorization for such things was prime.

Some people called it talented, but it was more of a curse. I always knew I could never be as good as I had potential for because I couldn't learn to read music. Musicality was there - many times, by many teachers and audience members, I was called "talented". Many people's favorite aspect was my viola vibrato and my piano flow or "emotion". My college conductor said it was a shame I couldn't take more lessons because I had "raw talent" and he could tell I had been listening to a recording because I was "doing wonderful things with the music".

As I was saying, musicality was there, but as soon as I exploited all that I had, I was done. As soon as I had no one to listen to, I was nothing (other than what I could play from memory, things I'd heard a million times, and things I made up). I eventually reached that point with viola. Professional music was as good as it got but, when I revisited it after not being in school for mere months, some parts of the music were foreign to me. I couldn't remember how those parts went.

I am just one of those many unique players on the basketball court of music. Raw talent, but unable to improve after a point. That's just me, against all these other players with all these other catches of their own. But it is that competitive and I wish we'd all just appreciate all the different musicians for what they bring to the table, rather than eat each other up (or worse, eat ourselves up) over trying to be the best. Be your best and, more importantly, enjoy the music.

I want to be better.

I really can't stress it enough but, especially after this semester, I want to be better. People keep asking me what I'm up to and I respond with "absolutely nothing". I'm not doing a thing. I'm not volunteering, I'm not going to school, and I don't have a job.

All I have been doing is taking Stephen to school when he has it and decides not to ditch. I cook sometimes and I've sold my viola. That's about it. And while I love not having much of the regular stress, I have to admit that a different stress has been present. It's not the tearing-my-hair out, full-blown nightmares stress that I get from being employed, it's more desperate distress. It's quiet and constant.

I worry about how we'll get our next meal or gas money. I get mad at myself for not using my time for anything but relaxing or stressing about my near future and possible babies and my health. I'm not improving at all. I need to improve myself.

• I would like to improve my communication skills. Or at least I want to improve my anxiety around people. I have a difficult time wanting to hang out with my closest friends still. They're the best friends in the world and I love them but, especially because I care what they think and how they feel, it's draining for me. 

• I want to be more loving. To some people I seem like the most loving person on the planet, but I get in these fits of hatred for mankind in general. I am a pessimist at heart, unfortunately, so sometimes it is hard to look past the trespasses made against me and others. It's hard to forgive and, much more so, forget. It's irritating to know that lying is so common. It makes it difficult to trust anyone. And I don't want to be like that. 

• I want to be smarter. Who doesn't want to be smarter? Firstly, it would probably make it so I'm taken seriously. Oftentimes I say something - even about a field I'm knowledgeable in - and people discredit me entirely. It's frustrating and annoying because I'm not stupid about some things. I want some credibility.

• I want to be happy. I think that's a common goal. The only way to be truly happy is to do service, we all know that. I need to do more service. I want to study abroad or do some kind of service mission. 

• More than anything, I want to be inspirational. At least, I want to be someone people can feel comforted around or happy. If I could do that, my life would be complete. I have a long way to go, but my purpose would be fulfilled if I could change one person's life for the better for the right reasons. 

So, in closing, I'm really excited for January. Hopefully I can start a new way of life and make myself a better person. Happy Holidays!

I love college.

Okay, so we all know I'm not good at it but, regardless, I really love college.

I had signed up first thing for my mortuary science 1010 class, then I signed up for a required communications class (ew). But then I had a couple of free spaces. At first, I really wanted - and still want - to sign up for the EMT basic course so I could learn a lot of important stuff and be eligible for licensure. Unfortunately, the timing was a little inconvenient and the location was even more so.

SO, I went scouring for classes I could possibly want to take. There were a few interesting ones, but they were all at bad times (due to taking the bus, anything before noon would be bad, and anything multiple times a week is bad). However, as I was scraping the bottom of the barrel - I was actually considering Tongan, the language class - I found this Doula and pregnancy preparation class!

I of course had to look up what a Doula was. Then I noticed that you can become licensed as one! Good class timing, it's interesting, and you can get a professional licensure. Sign me up! So I did. As soon as I import my classes from Snow, I can sign up for human biology as well which isn't as interesting, but more relevant to my career path.

Anyway, there was a Zumba class, a Scuba class, a Bellydancing class, World Religions, Sacred Traditions, and that EMT class as well. College is awesome. I can't wait to learn!

Life is really...

Dumb and irritating. But interesting and lovely sometimes.

Like a test.
Just like a test.

Living the lifestyle I have right now, I have plenty of time to think about my relatively short, probably miserable life. I get to think about just how neat and delicate it is to have a body that works properly. One little thing could mess with everything. The body itself is a system of systems and, if one part of one system fails, it could have intense repercussions for other systems.

I get to think about the very permanent, very far-reaching consequences our choices and actions have on ourselves and others. I get to be frustrated about the injustices and joyous about the victories - even and especially the small ones. I see how dumb grudges, fights, and hard feelings are. I see how miraculous childbirth is and how magnificent death can be. I get to realize growth and progress through the fires of adversity. I appreciate and envy when someone enjoys what they do for a living.

It's frustrating, taxing, often rewarding, and definitely eye-opening. How is this not a test?

Sleep...

I'm just not going to try to have a normal sleep schedule anymore.

I'm not too stressed, because literally all I'm dealing with is being flat broke, having a freakishly messed up body, and my wonderful marriage. I have no job, no school, and no donating anything. While I'm still rather stressed, it's not to the point where it would mess with my sleep (ie: nightmares about work, not getting REM sleep from worry about not getting up in time for work, not being stressed from interaction).

Anyway, it's been very bad lately: sleep at 8:30am or so, wake up around 4pm or 5pm. Well, today I went to sleep at around 8:30am and woke up 12 hours later. Ugh.

Hate It!

• I really hate pressure. It's why I would never be a salesperson and why I hate salespeople. I don't like people trying to force me to do anything, let alone to be one way with my womanhood over another - if I want babies, I'll have babies. If I want a career, I'll get a career. If I want both, I'll do both. It's none of your business and HUSH!

• I really hate lack of upfrontness. It's a word now. I can't even begin to handle it when people lie to your face. I hate it when they talk about you behind your back. I hate when they make assumptions when they could just as easily ask you about their concerns. I hate it when they say something is okay to your face and get angry about it, often holding onto it like a grudge. I hate asking upfront questions and getting vague, lame answers.

• I hate when people put cold drinks next to hot food. Do you know how physics work?

• I can't stand it when people think young people "think they know everything", especially when it's "because I did the same thing." Excuse me? Am I you? When have I claimed to know everything? Get out.

• Prideful piety. Oh, give it a break. 

• I hate when people are not aware of other people's feelings.

• Hypocrites. STOP it. Just stop. Don't be sleeping around and go to church pretending that you're white as snow. Don't watch gay porn and hate on homosexuals. Don't go around thinking you're better than everyone else.

• I hate it when people drive slowly because I have intense road rage.

• I hate it when people are shallow. Don't be that way.

Well, those are all the annoyances I can think of for now. May I become more patient and forgiving.

Saying Goodbye.

Well, not many people read this blog, so I feel safe mourning my loss here. I can't tell anyone else just yet because I know they'll be upset, but today I said my final goodbye to one of my dearest friends.

You brightened many dark days. You helped me have a memorable middle school and high school experience. You brought such dynamic and meaningful moments into my life and you frequently healed my dying soul. You gave me confidence when everything else was tearing me down. You made me feel true joy and, at times, frustration. I was not always nice to you, and I'm sorry for the scars, but you were always there for me. You will remain in my heart. I hope you are now bringing such experiences to others who can appreciate them. I am excited to learn of your fate and future triumphs. You'll go far, I know it.

My First Viola
2008 - 2013

"If music be the food of love, play on." - William Shakespeare 

Rough Night

I had a difficult time last night. I kept my husband up way too late crying to him - which happens a lot, unfortunately. I feel bad when this happens, but when I'm upset, I can't put other peoples' needs before my own. And, when I get upset, I get really upset.

You know (and I'm sorry for going on and on about it, but), the worst parts of PKD is not the kidney pain. At least not yet. Right now, it's just knowing why body functions don't work. Knowing they may never work. I feel like I'm missing out on the human experience. I'm scared to ruin what function I have.

My husband reminded me of a time where I was taking benzodiazepines just to function around people. I was on them when we went on our first date in February 2012. He said that he remembers my brain turning into mush. And he's right. I hadn't recognized it when I first started taking them, but my cognition, reaction time, everything just started to slow down.

While that made me sad, it also made me remember how happy I am to have Stephen in my life. Without him, I'd probably still be on those things. He just makes me feel strong and comfortable. He helps me through my hopeless moments. He is still affectionate toward me, even when I'm saying all those things you say when nothing is going right. He is wonderful.

Selfish?

I've had a lot of time lately to think about things. 

I'm not sure how to feel about anything anymore. My perspective is still eternal, so that's good, but maybe especially given that line of thinking, life seems pretty pointless. In a way. It's difficult to explain, but I'll try. I think I'm lucky that I won't be here too long. Perhaps that's why my trials are so frequent and some of them severe. I won't suffer for long. 

Then again, it's scary and sad. I feel so badly for my husband sometimes. He really had no idea what he was getting into when he married me. I feel bad that he will probably be lonely for years. I feel bad for our prospective child(ren). How could I bring them into this world knowing 1) what it will become 2) that I could give them two genetic disorders that compound each other and 3) that I won't always be here for them.

It's scary because of all the blood, heart, and brain things. I was okay with dying of renal failure because they say that's a good way to go. The timing is estimated to be pretty good (51 - 69 years old). Yet, I've learned recently that 50% of PKD patients die of heart problems stemming from PKD, rather than renal failure itself. Add all the craziness that Factor 5 Leiden brings (stroke and blood clots) and I'm starting to realize my life could be shorter than I first expected. 

50 - 60% chance of dying from renal failure and a 50% chance of dying from heart problems. There is a small chance of dying from an aneurysm. Those are from PKD alone. I can't find anything about Factor 5 Leiden w/PKD except that it makes transplants especially dangerous and prone to fail. 

So, while it sucks for me quite a bit as far as planning anything, I feel worse off for any kids we could possibly have. They each (we plan to have 2 tops) have a 50% chance of getting PKD and a 25% of getting F5L. I just sometimes feel bad that I'm even considering having them. 

Then I think of all the criticism I'd get if I didn't have kids - being part of a church such as mine. Women's soul purpose, many think, is to be stay-at-home mothers. If I can't have kids, why don't I adopt? Who says I can't have kids? Just try anyway!

Then sometimes I think: If that was God's intention for me (and other women with these kinds of pregnancy obstacles), why did he make it so hard for me to have a child? Why would he force me to put my life in danger to have a baby? 

I don't know. I still want one, but I realize at this point it is for purely selfish reasons. Yet, it makes me wonder what my blessing was talking about. I wonder if my understanding of motherhood would come from this life or the next. Who knows? 

A Different Standard of Happiness

I am so happy right now. Again, I've no idea how to begin what I want to say, so I'll just jump in: a lot of things disappoint me/have disappointed me in this life. I'm not sure if that's because of my idealism, my pessimism, or if those things are just plain disappointing in and of themselves.

However, after reading my blessing, I've just been happier. Much happier. I really enjoy knowing that I have someone looking out for me, who loves me unconditionally, and who is constantly cheering me on. Sometimes I feel so alone. Not lonely, but just like my ideas and personality just don't fit in anywhere. My physical circumstances and mental challenges just exacerbate the problem, and I just feel out of place all the time.

Yet, I have a purpose to someone. And I know that others also have a purpose to this someone. That really helps me to view people in a different, better light. It's easier to forgive others because I understand that I can never truly understand where they've been or what God has in store for the rest of their lives. I can be more patient with them and with myself. 

The ideas or behavior you dislike about someone, they don't really matter. What people dislike about you doesn't matter, because you matter to someone greater. They matter to someone greater. We have our flaws - some flaws which can be very hurtful - because we're human. It wasn't inherent in ourselves, it's part of being a human. We have to learn to push our true selves through the downfalls of our humanity and some just have a more difficult time with it than others. My true self isn't depressed, wrathful, anxious, or vindictive. Those are just my human flaws. 

Anyway, my point is that I have gained this strange sense of love for others and for myself. You may even call it hope. Real hope. Or an eternal perspective. It's strange, but I love it.

Patriarchal Blessing

There are some other parts of my blessing that I really enjoy, so I want to share them! I know some people look down on this, but I have always wanted to share my personal scripture with everyone. I can't tell you how much this has helped me in my short life. I hope it can help you too or at least inspire you to get one for yourself.

"Vanessa, it is evident that Heavenly Father loves you dearly. And you are, indeed, a choice and favored daughter of His. He knew you in the life before; He recognized you as one with steadfastness to the Gospel and purity of heart. And capable of making proper decisions, for you chose to follow the Savior, Jesus Christ." - You can see why I'd love this, right? I'm truly honored to know that He adores me so much and that He actually knew me. Wow.

"...you will obtain eternal salvation and exaltation in the kingdom of our Heavenly Father. You will be a choice daughter in His kingdom; one who will know of the privilege of motherhood, and you will have the opportunity to know the joys as well as the disappointments of motherhood. I bless you that you will receive the ordinances of the temple, that you will be able to be fully endowed, that you will be able to receive all of the blessings of the Holy House of the Lord." - This is especially important to know now as I'm trying to make decisions for my life. It might help people to stop bothering me about things but, more importantly, it helps me know what is in store and that, if I put forth some effort, my work will pay off. I'm extremely glad that I can have the hope of attaining such a goal.

"You have a wonderful countenance, a joyful personality, and a winning smile that will someday win the heart of a young man." - Stephen was very young and I did have to win over his heart. Totally happened.

"...you will be blessed to take the Gospel to others. I bless that you will have the capacity to do so. As you share the feelings of your heart concerning the Gospel, you will be influential in bringing others to the Gospel." 

"You will be able to work with young women; you will be able to share of your talents, and you will find joy and happiness. Immerse yourself in the service of others, for therein is the joy; if you are in the service of your fellowman, you are in the service of God." - Very true. Not a lot of things make me truly happy, but the idea of service has always brought joy. And I'm excited to work with young women, that will be awesome!

Trials

I may complain a lot of the time about my problems, but I know I'll get through them. I go through trials because I need to. It says I will go through many trials in my patriarchal blessing; one of the things that binds my faith to the Gospel. "I bless you with the patience and the understanding that trials are for your good, and that as you remain true and faithful, the trials will be for your benefit." Later, "Father has an additional caution and that is that I should bless you with the principle of patience -- that as you recognize that Father will bless you according to your needs, it will be in His time and of His season."

Those are the only two cautions/warnings in my 1 3/4 page blessing.

Luckily, there are many blessings included to help me with said trials. "I bless you that angels will be about you. As you go about your activities, angels will guide and direct you and give you direction to your life. You should call upon Father daily; cry unto Him for your sorrows, and He will be certain that His son, Jesus Christ, will be at your side. His atonement is for you, and the blessings of the atonement will be yours. You are promised that through His atonement you will not be alone in the trials of your heart, trials of your circumstances, and trials of your faith. The Savior will be at your side through all trials. That is promised with assurance."

So, I just need to be patient, not angry or upset. I should obviously pray more. I'm really grateful that I have something like this in my life. It has given me plenty of direction and will continue to do so, I'm sure.

Mother-in-law

One of the neatest things about getting married is having a whole new family to figure out and adapt to. So far I love my new family members. My dad, my brother, my half-siblings, some aunts, some uncles, my grandparents, cousins, etc.

Yet, there are some I don't love so much for varying reasons. There is an aunt I already don't get along with because she decided to chew my husband out on our wedding day. It was for something absent-minded of him, but they should all know by now that he is extraordinarily absent-minded. *She could have brought her complaints to me, but whatever.

So I don't get along with her much and I don't particularly care, but there is someone else I don't get along with well and it's something I care a good deal about.

My mother-in-law.

I never wanted to be one of those women who always complains about her mother-in-law. I always thought the comparisons and shaming were stupid. And they are. I don't do those. We just don't get along well at all. And I complain about that a lot. At least to myself.

There are many reasons for this. Mostly I think it's just because we're incredibly different. She is great at math, sewing, crafts, and knitting. She's a movie and literature buff. I am none of those. I am too picky about my books and movies and I suck at math and crafts. She doesn't like to cook, she doesn't play any instruments, and I've not heard of any sport she could be interested in. I don't think she likes geology or forensic science and I don't think she's particularly interested in the field of health or criminal justice. She also doesn't like pets, but she likes babies. *Sigh*

So...we're basically opposites. Also, she intimidates me a lot. I don't know if that's because she's not open about things or if I'm just still not over my initial fear of her. Maybe I'm just scared to talk too much since we have virtually nothing in common and we don't think similarly at all. I don't want her to hate me, so I keep quiet but, in doing so, maybe I am making her hate me because I seem boring.

I feel like I just need to stop wanting a good relationship. If it happens, it will happen, but I should stop letting it bug me and just realize that it's not as important as I make it out to be. It would be nice and convenient, but that wouldn't be life, would it?

Genes and Baby Talk

I vote that I have the worst genes in the family. Obviously, there's the PKD thing (which is a sporatic mutation) and I am heterozygous for Factor V Leiden (which I inherited). And I'm only now learning that these are really no good together.

I'm currently reading about women with Factor V Leiden and they. have. miscarriages. Some of them have had five or more. It's really scary. I have noted that having this worsens the pregnancy toll on my kidneys. I am at an even higher risk for pre-eclampsia, which is deadly, folks.

It's a little unnerving for me. Luckily, there is a thing called Lovenox you can take during your pregnancy (a lot of women swear by it), but I'm not sure it would be safe for use since it says: tell your doctor if you have kidney disease. But other women are saying that, even when they did use it, they developed clots and miscarried or delivered early.

Maybe it's a wonderful thing that I grew up not wanting kids, because it looks like there is a chance I may not have any. Babies aren't completely off the table, but I need to ask a lot of questions. Right now, it looks okay as the pre-eclampsia risk from the PKD only happens after high blood pressure is developed (which it's not right now). I can deal with the FVL things if they even happen.

Transplantation

Maybe it's because I've had a lot of extra time on my hands, but I've been looking into PKD stuff lately. It's really lame, but I like to be informed. Now, there is a 50/50 chance that a person with PKD will progress to end stage renal failure and need a transplant or dialysis. So I've been looking into what I would want if I happened to be one of those unfortunate 50%.

You have to know that there are different gene mutations that cause PKD. The most common is the PKD1 gene mutation. Someone with this mutation has the shortest life expectancy of approximately 53 years old.

In this case, I would want dialysis. If we can afford it and I am not suffering too much, I would probably do it. Maybe I would have kids by then, and I'd definitely miss Stephen, so I'd want to stay with them as long as possible. Obviously I'd want to stop sometime, and that would be 60, I imagine.

There is another mutation, PKD2, that is much rarer, but has a higher life expectancy of 69.1 years old. If this is the case, I would most likely end it there. 69 years old is a long life, if you ask me!

Most importantly, as things stand now, I would not want a transplant. No matter what age. Members of my family have already volunteered to give me a kidney, which I love and am grateful for, but I would not want one. I don't know how to tell them this, because I don't think they'd understand.

As they see it, a transplant is the best option. New kidney, everything goes back to normal, and life goes on. However, that's just not how it is. All the heart problems will remain. If I don't get a live transplant, those suckers stay in and the pain they cause would continue.

But that's not even the worst of it. I'd have to take up to 30 pills a day just to keep the new kidney from being rejected. I know I'm going to forget one of those. No one tells you these pills DOUBLE your risk for 32 types of cancer. They cause you to gain weight in weird places, high blood pressure and cholesterol, DIABETES, cushing's disease, facial hair growth, paper-thin skin, bruising, hair loss, and they increase your risk for all kinds of infections because these drugs are suppressing your immune system.

I realize they are working on things to help with transplantation and they're working on one drug right now to slow the progression of PKD, but if there are no changes to the way things are done, this is how I'd want it.

Want to see something gross?
http://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMicm0905399

EDIT: Well, I seem to not be a perfect candidate for transplant anyway, due to my heterozygosity for Factor V Leiden. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11502996

I'm not shy.

I've been complaining a lot. I don't know what it is, but lately I've been feeling much more deflated and meaningless than usual. Maybe pre-winter blues? 

Anyway, while I'm on this train, I may as well enjoy the ride. I sometimes wonder what I would be like without my anxiety. I wonder how much fuller and meaningful my life would be without having these psychological setbacks. It has gotten a bit better with some practice, but even after a few hours of social stimulation with friends, I get exhausted. 

People always think I'm so shy and, by extension, secretive, but I'm not! I think privacy is overrated. I love having people around me know everything about me and I like knowing as much as I can about them. I guess it's just a trust/honesty thing? I like to think that I am honest. Honesty is truly the best policy.

Anyway, no matter the reason, I am not shy. I am just...scared. I would say scared. With hesitancy. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I get dizzy and heart-racy when I know people are talking to me or even looking at me. I can't control it. It's not like I'm afraid I'll get hurt or anything...it just happens. Maybe it's because people expect things from me? They expect a normal conversation complete with rules about what to ask and what not to ask and how to say what and when to smile. Social rules?

Especially babies. I don't like smiling at babies for no reason. It's weird. Why do we smile at babies? I get smiling at your own baby, but someone else's? Even when it's not being cute or funny? 

Tangent, but I don't get that. There is only one person I feel like I can share absolutely everything with and be completely myself with and that is Stephen. On the other hand, there are people who make me especially nervous. I don't know why it's like that. 

Way back to the point of the post: I just wonder what it would be like to not be like this. I hate this aspect of me. If I am shy, I want it to be voluntary. But I want to be outgoing. I think I'd be a really cool person if I was outgoing. 

The PKD Damper

I'm not sure where to begin here. I guess we already know that I get scared sometimes. We already know that I'm having a couple of problems and that I am only in stage 1 of kidney failure. We already know that I worry too much about aneurysms (more so now that I've remembered I am heterozygous for blood clotting factor 5 Leiden). We don't know the progression rate and thus we can't make any estimates.

So, there we are. Anyway, in my free time I like to plan and scrutinize, re-plan, and polish. Most often the plans revolve around my future. But I've realized that it is very difficult to plan a future with so many unknowns ahead.

I don't know how bad it will get. I don't know how much pain I'll be in. I don't know if I'll have the energy or the constitution to work. I don't know if I'll be able to have kids. I don't know if I'll be able to have more than one if at all. I don't know if I want to take prescription pain killers. I don't know if I would even want a kidney transplant if I needed one. I don't really know a lot of things and, so far, neither does anyone else.

So, because I don't know these things, I don't know how to go on with my life! I do NOT want to waste my time. I am also hesitant to waste money...so I am unsure how to continue my education. All I know is that I want to continue it. I don't know if I'll be able to do a dream job anymore or if it would even happen with a degree. I would still love to have a bachelors in community health, but would it be worth it to get a degree if I can't work?

But there is the possibility that the pain will never get worse. There is a 50% chance I won't need a kidney transplant ever. The problem is that I can't know that until next year maybe (after getting another CT scan and comparing the progression), or 10 to 30 years from now (when kidneys generally need to be transplanted in PKD people).

It's just weird. Most people, even me up until July, have at least some idea of how their life is going to go. I really have no clue at this point. I could just do what I want and live for the moment, but I'm not that irresponsible. I don't want to spend my life paying for making rash decisions. So...that's what I've been thinking about. Also, google PKD belly. It's frightening.

"Feminism" in the church

You know, it may surprise you, but I would never classify myself as a feminist. Firstly because I don't really know what that means. Second, because I'm more about equal rights than simply women's rights.

Anyway, I feel ostracised from my church sometimes because I think a lot of my friends and family identify me as a feminist. If not, a confused, liberal, wayward soul who will one day free herself of her crazy ideas and conform to the truth. I just know that some people feel like they need to be on the defensive whenever they talk about the church with me, especially when it comes to feminism. However, I'm really not as hostile as people think. I'm less angry than I am sad and troubled about the notions I hear people, leaders say.

Now, it's difficult to understand where I come from if you don't know what I believe. I believe the prophet communes with God. I'm not sure I believe that it is in person or anything, but I truly believe he is inspired when he asks to be. However, the apostles and all other leaders have the same amount of communication with God that I do. God is my father too, and I happen to commune frequently with him - 98% of that communication is through feelings. And I feel like some leaders have been mislead by earthly thoughts and male dogma when it comes to what they call inspiration. Hence, Elder Holland's talk about the fallacy of man.

Obviously, they're going to be right about things most of the time. All you have to do is pray with an open mind and an open heart, but if you fail at either of these steps, you'll be susceptible to misguidance. It happens to me occasionally, and I know it happens to them.

Anyway, now that you understand where I come from, maybe it would be easier to explain why I feel the way I do about women and their roles in the church, in the family, and in life. In our church, it is drilled into our skulls from an early age that a woman's rightful place, her destined place is to be in the home and to be a mother. They're not against women getting jobs and they "understand" when a woman is displaced for any reason from her home, but they claim to be saddened by that. They sometimes claim that it's ruining families not having the mother in the home.

Well, I disagree. I have never once felt like not getting a career. Since I was 5 years old, I wanted to be something. I have wanted to be a mother too of course, but only if I had a job as well and preferably a stay-at-home husband to balance things out. So, you can't say it was "the world" pressuring me to have a career since I've wanted one since I was 5. Where I really feel pressure is the church telling me any chance they get that I should be a mother and I am essential to the home. If every woman's divine nature and purpose is to be a mother, then logic follows that women are only women to be mothers. That is where I stop the buck. I know for a fact that I am a woman for so many more reasons than just being a mother. It's part of my identity and who I am. I feel so horrible when anyone even implies that my divine purpose is only to be a mother. There is more divinity to my womanhood than that. 

Of course I'm not saying motherhood is a bad thing or even a small thing. Procreating is essential and beautiful and glorious. It is divine. However, I get the feeling that people are confused as to what womanhood really means. In fact, I think they've melded motherhood and womanhood together. What would that mean for the infertile women? How must they feel? If they only understood how much God really cared about them and his purpose in making them who they are, I think they'd be much happier. Women are women. We have different anatomies, chemical compositions, and instincts than men do. There is so much more to being a woman than motherhood. Motherhood is part of it, and it's a wondrous opportunity for most of us, but it isn't womanhood.

Another problem I have (and it's the reason I've written this post) is the blatant objectification of women. This is what I would call a worldly problem simply because it is a problem in many parts of the world. I believe it stems from our anthropologic history of women. We've always been stereotyped as helpless, demure, and even weaker than out male counterparts. Perhaps even biologically we are weaker as men tend to build bulk muscle more easily.

Wherever it comes from, women have always been objectified. From cavemen who dragged women by their hair to a nearby cave to rape them, to today where rape and domestic violence are still common, we've been objectified. Now, in no way am I saying the church condones rape or violence in any way, but there is a different form of objectification seeping it's way into modern leaders' speech.

It's called modesty. Modesty is a way we show that we respect our bodies. It's a way to keep us pure. At least that's what they used to say. I understand it's place. I understand why it's important, however, it has become a tool for evil and I can't tolerate it anymore.

"[Y]oung women, please understand that if you dress immodestly, you are magnifying this problem by becoming pornography to some of the men who see you."- Elder Dallin H. Oaks, Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, "Pornography," Ensign, May 2005 p. 90

Let me tell you something: women, you are NOT pornography if you show some skin. God did not make pornography! That's ludicrous! Your body is a work of art and it's beautiful. Aside, men, if you really can't control your thoughts after seeing a girl's shoulders or thighs, that's a you problem that you need to work on. How can you say how wonderful and important women are to families and to God one day and the next tell them that, if they don't dress the way you like, they're pornography? How can you seriously say that?

It's not just here though. There are plenty of quotes about how we should be modest so men won't have impure thoughts. First, it makes the male seem like he has no control. It's silly. Second, it objectifies us. The very thing we're trying to stray away from!

Now generally, the church tries its best to keep clear of objectifying women. They say we were made differently yet equally. They give us church responsibilities and roles. They try to promote women's influence in all aspects of the church. And they generally do an impressive job. Also, I should add that 90% of the time, the leaders get it so right. They craft the most beautiful, meaningful, wonderful messages that I 100% approve of ether instantly or through thought and prayer. They receive inspiration. However, I just can't look away and ignore the discrepancies. I am shocked that so many don't notice or don't say anything. It makes me sad that people, women believe these things simply because it came from an authority's mouth!

Women, please know that your only master is God. Be prayerful and alert if something doesn't seem right. Do your duty as a child of God and communicate with him for yourself and voice your concerns. Ask questions and wait for the answers in faith and know that he is always there for you. He loves you and he wants you to be happy with your womanhood, with his gospel truth, and with his guidance.

My baby girl!

So, it probably stemmed from a pregnancy test I took yesterday. I'm not trying or anything, I just don't take birth control and (TMI) my periods are not cyclical and sometimes completely absent. Anyway, it's definitely negative and I left it at that and didn't think about it again.

However, my brain apparently did. I can't remember the gist of the dream, but at some point I gave birth to the cutest baby girl! I was asleep in the dream and I don't remember being pregnant ever, but I woke up in the dream and had given birth! She was already cleaned off and swaddled up when I first saw her, but she had the biggest dark eyes and lots of black hair (for a newborn baby). She had this tiny white headband with a tiny bow.

I was told she was mine and I was in love. I loved her. I picked her right up and held her for awhile. I went to feed her and she had those little mittens on her hands to keep her from scratching her face. She fed really easily, but kept getting distracted. Anyway, eventually everyone wanted to know what her name was.

Well, I couldn't figure it out, but then I remembered that I had a list. So, I said her name was Quincy, but I kept calling her that, and it just didn't fit. Then I called her Anne. And that was definitely a no, and it wasn't even on my list. Then I called her Hannah, and that was getting somewhere, but it still wasn't right.

Eventually, playing with the name Hannah, I got Jo Hannah and shortened it to Joanna. And that was her name. It just fit. Now, I'm not a huge fan of that name, but it worked for her and it was her name. I just knew it. Then I said her middle name was Lynne or Evalyn (I never did figure out what her middle name was). Either way, I loved having a daughter. And now I want one!

Parenting Plans

One of the funnest parts of being married is talking about babies, parenting, and pregnancy. Well, it's fun for us, anyway. It's fun for the same reason we love shopping together; we love making joint decisions. We're both indecisive about most things, so we do that a lot.

Anyway, we tend to agree about parenting things. Obviously we won't know how we really feel until we have one and go through everything, but we make plans anyway. For funsies. So far, we have:

• Pregnancy is going to suck so badly for me, but Steve will love it. 
• We're both excited about getting a bump.
• We have some names we like; Girl names: Hannon, Estelle, Quincy, Eve. Boy names: Sterling Archer, Quintus, Asher Gabriel, Ezekiel James. 
• He would be a fantastic father
• Babies drain my energy and are frustrating
• We can't decide what age would be "ready" for "the talk", but we know what we'll say
• We want a boy
• There is no way we can only have one kid - only child syndrome
• Two is ideal, but we definitely don't want more than three
• The earliest we'd want to have babies is next October after we get sealed, the latest would be whenever PKD says I can't have them anymore
• We want to have a stable job and an apartment before pregnancy happens

Well, that's what we have so far. I guess we don't talk about it that often, but we have fun when it happens. 

WHO? CDC? UN?

So, I know I've mentioned these organizations before...perhaps even in this blog, but I pursued different aspirations (as usual) and set these to the side. I'm once again attempting to aim my life in a direction I can sustain and I'm revisiting these organizations.

I'm trying not to make it too public (because of the many, many career path changes), but almost no one reads this blog, so I feel it okay to expound on this idea.

So, what happened to criminal justice? Nursing? Social Work?
Criminal Justice: I still love criminal justice and forensic science, and that won't ever leave. However, I am concerned with the dwindling civilian crime scene tech positions. I am also concerned with the job necessitating the need to live in dangerous areas = no crime, no crime scene techs. I don't want to worry about my family or my home while I'm away. No job is worth the welfare of my family. Lastly, there aren't any programs around here that would qualify me enough to give me job stability. Sure, UVU has a forensic science program, but it requires calculus, physics, and chemistry. Weber's forensic science emphasis is doable, but it isn't a bachelors in science. They'll gladly take biology majors over that.

Nursing: I really enjoyed learning about first aid, pathophysiology, and disease, but practicing in the field was not what I expected. I cried the night before each of my clinicals out of fear. Oh yeah, I have GAD. I don't know why I thought I'd be okay, but I wanted to be. I liked helping people out. I especially enjoyed feeding and bathing the patients, but I was scared the whole time. Light-headed and nervous. In fact, I had a panic attack on the first day when I realized I was alone, and I left. Less importantly, I realized that I didn't like the atmosphere of people dying. They're decaying. They're miserable. There was nothing I could do to fix that. I did not like being helpless. All that iced with the sue-happy attitudes I noticed was enough to turn me off.

Social Work: See previous post. In short, I can't risk what mental health I have. I want to be a happy person and being helpless, seeing the worst in society, and risking injury all the time is not conducive to that.

Despite ultimately dropping my nursing path, I did learn a lot and I am grateful for what I learned. I am most grateful for my CPR certification.Yet, though one door closed, another opened. My teacher had this soap box about the medicine industry that he stood on many times. A nurse said that medicine is all about money. Medicine focuses on treatments, not cures. He gave a couple of modern examples, but I decided to look into this myself. Turns out, he was right. Not only that, politics play a very big role (for some reason) in people getting these treatments! My eyes were opened to this hidden side of the medical field that I hadn't even considered before.

Anyway, I became really excited about overthrowing this whole operation. The option of good health is a human right to me, and it shouldn't be man-handled by politics or society. I want to help fight HIV/AIDS, teach sex education, and make contraception available where it needs to be. There is so much more, but I can't possibly list everything without going on tangents or ranting.

Fragile

I have been reading an interesting blog written by a burnt out social worker. You may have guessed that the reason for doing so is career-related. And you're right. Everything was informative and making sense, but then something came up that I hadn't truly considered before.

Mental health of a social worker.

I don't like admitting this, but my mental health is fragile. My physical health gets closer to fragility every year. I knew about this before, but it didn't really click: social work is a dangerous job. You're working with mentally ill people, physically abusive people, sexual convicts, etc. They get injured all the time - something I am sure I could handle, but there is a possibility of getting raped.

If your boss tells you to take a case alone because the agency you work for is overloaded (which it most likely will be), you are on your own. With a rapist. Or a violent ex con. The physical trauma is horrifying, but the emotional/mental trauma? That can last forever. It can ruin your relationships, the way you view people, your sense of security... everything.

So, I'm thinking social work would be a no for me. I hate to be a chicken, but my mental health couldn't handle something like that, let alone the daily grind of only being able to help so much. You can't help everyone, and that's a reality I'd like to be ignorant of.

INFP (Careers)

I don't know how to start this post, so I'll just jump in.

INFP is my personality type as dictated by the Myers Briggs Type Indicator test. I happen to think it is the most accurate and profound personality test out there, so if you'd like to take it, go ahead!

Anyway, as I am trying to decide yet again what I want to do with my life (more accurately, how to get there), I decided to look into what would fit my personality type.

Now, in some ways I am proud to be INFP. They're considered "healers" and the type itself is very rare - accounting for about 6% of the population at most. Cool people are INFPs: Phoebe from FRIENDS, Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter, Princess Diana, Helen Keller, and some say John Lennon. However, we also often get described as emo and we're reportedly "terrified of conflict".

I'd say that I'm sensitive. INFPs are prone to depression, so I'll give them that, but afraid of conflict? No. I am uncomfortable with hurt feelings and resentment, but disagreements are to be explored. I usually only bother if I think someone is wrong from a moral standpoint - also a characteristic of INFPs.

Anyway (it's hard not to go off on tangents), as visionaries and people-readers, it is ideal for us to be writers, clergy workers, missionaries, psychologists, social scientists, social workers, teachers, musicians, or some say artists, librarians, or even physical therapists.

On one hand, it explains why the social sciences come to me so easily. Criminal Justice, Sociology, Anthropology, and Social Work were a collective breeze. On the other, I have GAD so...

I don't know anymore.

I really love nursing, I just can't work with the patients. I cried the night before each of my clinicals out of fear. I love criminal justice, but it doesn't seem like there would be a job for me in that field - cop wouldn't work for previously mentioned reasons, I'm no scientist so I can't be a labbie, and crime scene technicians seem to be a thing of the past.

All I want is to be a useful person. I want my work to have a positive impact in the lives of others. I want to be comfortable when I go to work (not too much social interaction) and my degree has to be do-able (not too much math or science). Tall order, apparently.

There's hope for me yet.

WARNING: This post contains some information about sacred LDS temple ceremonies and ordinances. I feel I'm alright discussing them, since you can find this information in other parts of the interwebs. Please be advised and, as always, these are my thoughts and opinions only. Get your own! :)

So, I've been thinking a lot about the temple thing and I must say, the thought of not being part of an organized religion really made me feel free. It made me think: "Alright. I know Jesus Christ is my savior and that he died for my sins. That's all I need to know."

But then, I had to give the temple ceremony a second looksie. I had to know the whys. As much as it is advised, I don't just go with the flow when it comes to religion. I need to know why I'm doing something.

Anyway, I think I'm coming around. The oath of vengeance was instated by Brigham Young shortly after Joseph Smith's death. The mormons were mad. He was just being politically correct at the time. Of course I don't think he was inspired by any higher power on this one. God wouldn't want us to pray for vengeance! The thought alone is ridiculous to me. This was all going to happen, and God knew it would happen.

Which leads me to my next point. My problem of God not being all-knowing in that script. It's a script, I need to get over myself. People are fallible - people wrote that script, probably not even concerned that someone would knit-pick it.

I learned who Michael was. Phew! It is a new thing to me, so I'm going to have to let this sink in.

The prayer circle, as it turns out, is something that was practiced by protestants and freemasonry. It is still a tad strange to me, but I can handle it. It's just another tradition from the 1840's.

The penalty gesture has been taken out completely, which is a huge relief.

I'm still weary of a couple of things. I don't want to touch anyone and I don't want anyone to touch me. This is a problem, since there is quite a bit of platonic touching involved. I don't know how much stock I take in the parts that require touching. So...maybe give me awhile to sort this one out.

But! I'm getting there, and that's what matters. I just need to know, and I'm really happy that I can look into it. Thank you, wiki and anti-mormons! You've helped me become a better mormon!

Not sure anymore.

It's been awhile. I guess I've just been stressed and caught up in other things.
Today is no different. In fact, I don't know if I've ever felt so conflicted in my life.


Please note that what I'm about to say should not be a factor in any decisions you make. Ever. This is simply my view resulting from what I know, what I've experienced, and how I feel about it.

That being said, I'm really not sure if I want to be sealed anymore. I have been fantasizing and planning in my free time about my sealing to Steve. I have been looking at beige/champagne colored dresses (as this would technically be my second time, right?) and picking out colors, and was really excited at the prospect of a second wedding (one that isn't thrown together in a couple of weeks) and, much more importantly, being sealed for time and all eternity.

Today I followed a long trail of Youtube videos to my dream's demise. I was watching real crime documentaries, which lead somehow to polygamous wives, which eventually lead to hidden-cameras-in-temple-ceremony videos.

Where do I start? I had known that the ceremonies were a bit strange and they put me off a bit, but I figured it was other-worldly, and so are our origins, so of course it's going to be a bit strange. However, today I actually saw the ceremonies for myself, and I actually became distraught. It was so extremely cult-like to me. It just seemed so incredibly wrong. I went on to research a bit about the things that have been edited out, and those are even more wrong to me (making me ecstatic that they had edited them out). But why were they there in the first place?

I also took note that the video shown in the temple is in contradiction to what I was taught. I was taught that God created the Earth, but the video states that Jesus and Michael (who is Michael?) made the Earth. It also mentions that there are others like it - which I was happy about, because that coincides perfectly with science, not that it's required, but it's nice. Anyway, God asks if there are humans on the planet - painting him as not all-knowing, which is contradictory to what I had been taught.

I just cried. I am really heartbroken and now I know why they keep it a secret. Because people would get freaked out like me. If they just go in unknowingly, they have much more pressure to stay and go through the rituals.

I still believe in the Book of Mormon. No one can take that away from me because I've read it so many times and I have felt so many things, the least of which being comfort. I just don't know how much I believe in the church anymore, let alone the temple.

I am mostly just saddened because this was such an opportunity to make my mom happy. She deserves the very best and all she really wants is one of her children to get married in the temple and stay righteous. That's all she's ever wanted and now I don't know if I can give that to her. That saddens me impressively.

However, the worst part, I think, is not being sealed. Even though I'm questioning my belief in that notion itself, it's so extremely romantic and something I had always wanted growing up. It's hard to just let go of that entirely. I know he is my soulmate, and if there is such a thing as a sealing, I would want that more than anything. I just don't know if it's real or if I could even just get through the ceremony to please everyone.

I'm sorry for hurting anyone. If you have any questions or feelings of doubt, as always, pray! Don't take my word for it, nor anyone else's.

CNA School + Update

Guess who's going to school? ME!

I don't know if I mentioned this to anyone but my husband, but I'm thinking of being a forensic nurse again. The more I look into it, the more it feels right. So, I'm giving it a shot. I just got off the phone with Orchard CNA school (which has the best passing grades on the CNA exam) and they said I could miss one day for the MUSE concert - which was my main concern - but that I would have to make it up.

SO I'm going to CNA school next month. I will sign up for it tomorrow when I get my paycheck.

Speaking of which, I've quit. I was going to be 5 or 10 minutes late if I didn't take a shower, and I was freaking out about not having a shower when I panicked, packed a bag, and ran away to my husband's grandparents' house for a night. I feel horrible because A) that is no way to quit a job and B) it was bad timing.

I mean, I was going to quit soon anyway (I sold cigarettes to a pregnant woman, and that did not sit well), but I wanted to make sure I had some kind of income while I went to school and I want future employers to be able to contact them for a good report. Neither of those things will happen now and it's all my fault.

Not all of this is bad though, I finally have some time to get this medical problem figured out - as far as testing and appointments go. I also have some time to gather myself and prepare for CNA school!

The hope is that I'll love it, find a job, pay for some pre-reqs, go to LPN school, work, get my A.A.S from SLCC, work, and get my certificate as a SANE-P. Bam. Dream come true.

I just worry about the social interaction. I don't know if I'll ever be fully okay with that, but it can't be avoided. I'll just have to die early from heart problems - you know, if kidney failure or diabetes don't get there first. :)

SO EXCITED!

I may have to reinstate a goal soon...

That goal would be to get sealed next October.

You know by now that I have plenty of doubts about it; the process, the pre-requisites, the validity, but you know what? It can't hurt me if it's wrong, and it can only help me if it's right.

Now, I'm not an advocate of doing things blindly and just doing them "because", but I think that's what I'm doing here. I'm not even sure why...perhaps pressure? Not wanting pressure in the future? Guidance from a higher power? That mint ice cream bar I just wolfed down?

I don't know, but I'm thinking of doing it anyway.

My kind of schooling

I was just thinking about my schooling in the future. Again :)

My husband is getting ready to go to fall semester at UVU and I got really sad last night thinking of how I won't be. Not that I want to go to UVU, but I do want to be in school.

For those of you who don't know, my schooling life has been tumultuous, to say the least. I was always behind in elementary school, I failed a lot of math in middle school and had to take not only summer school, but a class where, instead of taking an elective, I would take yet another general ed to catch up. Then, in high school, I took summer school twice and was unable to take some opportunities because of my low grades (working at the space center and interning at the paleontology museum).

My first semester in college actually went quite well. Most of my grades were As. The next semester was the same way. When I look back on it, I realize that that was because I took music and criminal justice classes, and I took them at night.

Anyway, I transferred to WSU, where I did horrifically. I got good grades in my criminal justice class and my English class, but I failed the other two classes. This was because I totally dropped the ball though, I didn't study or do anything. So, the next semester, I ran out of money. I don't know how, but I had no money. I had to drop out.

Anyway, I took a break from school for a year and worked at SSI with my then boyfriend (now husband) and I had a great time. I was pressured into going to school for the Spring 2013 semester. Even though I didn't want to go, I agreed that it was probably the right choice. It ended up being the wrong choice. Dead wrong. It was the worst I had ever done in school. Even the classes I liked (Intro to Social Work and Intro to Music), I did horribly in. I don't know how, because I did really well on all the tests and there was virtually no homework in either of them. My teachers liked me!

Sorry about the long story. My point is that maybe traditional school just isn't for me. You know, I have never done well in school except for classes like geology and orchestra and I think that's because they're hands-on. You can see what you need to know or learn. I 've always done well in English too, but I think that's because I had really awesome English teachers - every single one of them.

Anyway, I'm thinking that maybe I should just forget traditional school and try vocational school. Of course that means I can't do what I wanted to do since Utah does not have a variety of vocational programs (it's all medical, legal, or business). Obviously, I'd most prefer to be a crime scene investigator, but there was a time where I wanted to be a forensic nurse, and that can be possible with vocational school. Same with paralegal.

That's what I've been thinking of.

Doctors

I don't know how I feel about people in the medical field anymore.

A nurse once told me that I "am heterozygote for blood clotting factor 5." I tried to clarify in a way that wouldn't make her feel as stupid as she just sounded by asking: "So, I have a dominant gene?" And she replied by repeating herself.

Now, I'm not going to assume she is stupid. I figure nurses have to learn a lot of terms and things and zygote happens to be a biological term, it's just the wrong one. Heterozygous is the one she was looking for. So, points for being close!

Anyway, I want to assume the same thing for what happened today. I was told at my last appointment that 1) the phlebotomist was not in and would not be in for 1 1/2 weeks. 2) I would be able to pee in a cup and get some blood drawn without at appointment.

The phlebotomist was in as soon as I called today (which is a week). And I had to set up an appointment to pee in a cup. Also, I actually didn't have to pee in a cup, but I had to collect all my urine for 24 hours in some special, complicated process and container.

Again, I'm not going to blame a super busy doctor for trivial things like this. He's not a PKD specialist, why should he know these things like the back of his hand?

The issue I have stems from the many visits I had made prior with multiple doctors who brushed me off and told me to take more fiber and drink more water. This is just the icing. You'd think after the 5th visit that someone would take me seriously. It was always: "Drink more water, take more fiber". It wasn't until this doctor noticed the continuous weight loss and abdominal pain that he even looked into it.

This doctor, who had the mix up with the schedule and peeing thing. I can't thank him enough for what he has done for me, but he makes mistakes. Everyone does. It just scares me when it happens with medical people. I guess that's my point: everyone makes mistakes, I'm just being crabby about doctors.

Depression and PKD

So, I have informed every social media medium I have of this except for this blog, but I have PKD. I just found out a few days ago. I haven't seen the nephrologist yet, but it seems serious. From what I've read, when a cyst reaches 4cm, things start shutting down. My biggest ones are 3cm. I also happen to have a ton of them, they're septated, and from what I've read, I'm also at a strange age to get these. That's the internet for you!

Anyway, I'm still unsure how to handle this news or what to do about it. But when it comes to my depression, it seems to be worsening. A few weeks ago (maybe a month ago?), I was deeply suicidal (again). So I decided to take some new antidepressants. They seemed to work. There are some scary side effects that seem to be going away, but they work much better than my previous antidepressants.

Anyway, things were getting better. However, after learning about the implications of the disease, I started feeling a bit helpless and worried. I worry about how to pay for it, what it will do, and how I can/will die. So far, and it's only been a few days, it has caused some issues with family. They're scared, so obviously this will happen and that's obviously stressful for me. For the most part, everyone has been really lovely and supportive toward me and I just want to point out that I truly appreciate their prayers, love, concern, and help.

But I am starting to feel that way again. I sometimes think that maybe it would be good to just let myself die out. I'm not sure how long it would take because I have seen nothing about someone at my age with my level of severity. Usually babies or toddlers get it and die of it or get transplants (really severe). Middle-aged to older people get it and eventually need transplants or die of it. I'm 21 and, from what I've read, they're moderate to severe (depending on where you go). So...I don't know how long I have until I die or need transplants.

I occasionally wonder or secretly hope that it's God's plan. I know that's horrible and wrong and probably over-dramatic, but that's how it is. I don't want anyone to worry about it. I think it may just be mental illness talking and not me. I'm really unsure. I'm unsure of a lot of things right now.

And of course when I think of my mortality, things that shouldn't be trivial become that way and things that are trivial get magnified. I don't know. I'm just confused at this point.

LDS vs. Christian

Just been thinking about this a lot and I've decided to try and analyze my feelings. Please don't take any offense or take my words as facts, I'm simply relaying my feelings.

First of all, members of the LDS church (or mormons, if you'd rather) are Christians in that they believe in and are instructed to follow Jesus Christ and his teachings. Sometimes we're really not good at exemplifying Him, but we "do our best".

Anyway, I've been mulling over all of this because I'm trying to decide where I stand when it comes to "the church". Don't get me wrong, there is no gospel I could possibly believe in more. There was one thing I had a problem with when it came to the actual gospel. Other than that, every single teaching made sense to me, was beautiful, was inspirational, and was visible in every day life.

My issue comes with "the church" itself, the thing that is supposed to be a vessel for Christ's teachings. The shorter list would be to tell you about the things I'm sure about when it comes to the church and that is the sacrament and patriarchal blessings. Almost everything else (and I say almost in case I'm forgetting something) I have a problem with in some way or another.

And of course it's just me, right? Most LDS people would start getting defensive at this point and say that it's just a reflection of my own insecurity, shame, malice, experiences, etc. That's what they're trained to do when anyone questions the church. And, in this case, they'd be right. Well, shame has never been an issue for me (as some of you are painfully aware). :)

I had questions before about the church, but I have had some experiences recently that have really shaken my belief. Firstly, why the sudden changes in policy? If God is the same today, yesterday, and tomorrow, why are there inspired policies that change? I'm speaking specifically about blacks having the priesthood, exclusively temple marriages (it used to be policy that you got married first, then sealed), sealing ceremony changes, and new lack of tithing reports in conference.

I'm sure there are more, but anyway, I'm not sure what the scriptures have to say about all of these, but tithing reports are specifically mandated in the Book of Mormon (the cornerstone of our religion). As far as the temple marriages and priesthood issues, it's safe to say they changed with the times. Temple sealings became temple marriages due to fears of sexuality in American media. To counteract this fear, they made it a goal for everyone to get temple marriages and avoid the "shame" of non-temple marriages.

Anyway, that's always been an issue for me. Recently, I had an experience of extreme injustice in the church. Someone who had severely wronged me (I mean really severe) was able to simply confess some of her sins and get a temple marriage. How do I know? Long story, but trust me, I know. She was not sorry. How do I know? Long story, but trust me, I know.

I'm bitter about this. I will always be bitter about this. Because of this and my bitterness resulting from it, I am extremely unsure about the church. When people in the church told about others who left the church because someone offended them, I thought the people who left were weak in faith in the first place. If all it takes is someone offending you to leave the church, you probably shouldn't have been in the church in the first place because you didn't really believe in it. But now that I'm one of them, I can tell you that the church-goers simplify the hell out of it.

It's not simply being offended by someone, it's being betrayed by the church you're supposed to feel safe at. The church where the truth is always found and rules are never broken. Maybe I had too much faith in the church, but it really hurt (and still hurts) that this was allowed to happen.

Lastly, another experience with church-goers. In fact, this one was a missionary. This missionary is a relative of mine. For a holiday, he was able to talk with his family with skype. My husband and I had originally planned not to go to this, but he was asking for us. Gladly, we came over, only to be chastised. Literally the first question asked was: "Do you pay your tithing?" Obviously not. He knew that! I had told him everything from day one of his mission. I told him in confidence. It was as though he had no idea what had been going on. We were able to change the subject a few times, but it always came back to worthiness in the church. Anyway, after many more of these types of questions (and a clarification that I understood we were at the bottom of the sanctity poll), I had had enough and I left. I was very angry that I had been used as some kind of chum for a piety trip.

The worst part was that his mom, who doesn't even know me, said that we left because we were ashamed of our sins and couldn't take his light, I guess. I don't know how shame would even apply here, but again, they're trained to do that. After emailing him about it, he admitted that what he had done was wrong. He is learning and I was pleased that he actually reviewed what had happened, so he was very easy to forgive. He is a good guy, just somewhat brash...I suppose?

Jesus said: "He who is without sin, cast the first stone". And I happen to know for a fact that both the missionary and his mom don't fit into that category. No one does! I never felt bad about those sins (see previous post). Why are they trying to shame me? It's futile and childish.

Anyway, my point was supposed to be that some mormons (and other religious folk) who identify themselves as Christians are far from. No one is perfect, I understand that. Everyone is just on a journey to try to become perfect. We're all trying. It just turned into a "why I'm questioning the church" post. Sorry about that!

If you haven't read the Book of Mormon and are interested, check it out. You have nothing to lose, and you will love the teachings in there. As for joining the church, the best advice I can give you is to be patient. Everyone is different, but most of the people there are true saints. The most lovely people I've ever met are members of the church. Likewise, the worst people I've ever met are members of the church.

Realization Rambling

So I was thinking today of something that really bothered me for awhile. It will sound bad, but stay with me. I was wondering why I never felt bad about my most recent sins.

I'm not saying I wasn't punished. Consequences of the sins practically destroyed me. I'm saying that, though I felt horrible for letting people down and setting a poor example, I didn't actually feel bad about what I did. I didn't feel like God hated me or anything like that. Save for an instance or two, my friends and family reminded me that they loved me rather than the stereotypical shunning and chastisement that seems to happen sometimes.

I never felt like God hated me for what I did. I never felt like he was sad about what happened. And I was wondering aloud to my husband and he gave a pretty good answer.

In a recent talk by one of the apostles, he illustrated a scenario about a baby learning to walk. When that baby walks, you are so proud of it and happy for it. When it falls, which happens, your first instinct is to help it back up again. You're not angry, hurt, or sad, you just want it to get back up.

Well, I think that's what went on here. I've stumbled a few times in my life, but more recently, they've been pretty bad. I have never stopped feeling God's love for me. There were times when I felt like he was testing me or making me hurt, but that was me. I was consciously holding onto something and I only asked for justice/(vengeance?) in the situation.

A few days ago, I finally just asked for comfort. And it came instantly. I felt a numbness and I remember "hearing" something like: It's in God's hands. He'll take care of you.

Since then, I've felt much happier. I have control over my thoughts, I am letting go, my body is healing, and I feel like I have been spiritually renewed. All you have to do is ask. Seriously.

5 Weaknesses

I've been watching GloriaShuriNava's channel (she's great), and watched a video where she lists her 5 weaknesses. So now I want to do it too. Obviously.

#1: Communication. I have a hard time with it. I think it comes from not knowing how I'm coming off, because, as convinced as some are to the contrary, I want people to feel comfortable around me. I want them to trust me completely, to feel happy, to feel loved, and to feel safe. As weird as that sounds. So I try to be as frank as possible at all times. This backfires sometimes (a lot of times) because apparently people don't want to know every single thing about my life, body, or opinions.

#2: Insecurity. This ties well with #1. Because I don't communicate perfectly, my mental illness, and my flaws, I get really insecure. Normally, I am anxious anyway but, around people, it gets worse. It feels like they're trying to play tricks on me. That sounds schizo, but it's true. I feel like I have to be on constant alert. Obviously it's not as bad around people I love and know I can trust, but yeah.

#3: Slow. I'm very slow. Not physically, but mentally. At least when it comes to math and some aspects of science, you may as well be speaking gibberish. I get science, I excelled in English, I excelled in health, and I excelled in music. But I've always, always, been slow at math. Even in the lowest math class in grade school, I was the slowest student. They'd take me out to test me and see if I should be put in what I can only guess is a special needs class. Really.

#4: Fragile heart. As much as it does or doesn't show, my heart is fragile. I get sad when I see people treating others badly, when justice isn't served, and when people are truly suffering. I cry when I watch people putting down their cats on Youtube! I get really attached to my own animals.

#5: Wrath/Impatience. Some of the things that make me sad, also make me angry. Extremely angry. I can't stand when people judge other people for things they can't possibly understand. I hate it when something that shouldn't be accepted (like abuse or bullying) is acceptable.

Anyway, those are just 5 of my many flaws.

Things are good.

I am now on bupropion.

Today was my first day, and I cut a 350mg pill in half, so it shouldn't be especially dramatic, but I know from experience that it's best to ease into these things.

Anyway, so far so good.
Also good? I can go to the bathroom! I've gone so much today! I'm pretty sure it's only due to the antibiotics I'm taking (UTIs ugh). Still! It's good :)

Hoping

So it's been a million years.
Sorry about that.

I guess I'm just getting adjusted to my life right now. It's not my favorite, but it could be a lot worse. I just...actually want to be in school right now. I want to learn. I was asked by a new co-worker today what my "hobbies" were.

I don't even have hobbies. I don't do things, but I have interests. And who would know? I don't have an awesome geology pin or big collection to show off (I do have a small collection of things I've collected and identified from the canyon, but nothing spectacular), I don't have a viola thing I can whip out and do, and saying you're interested in forensic science may as well be saying: "I watch Dexter and CSI." Which I don't, by the way.

Anyway, it just made me sad. I am just working at a gas station (which I kinda enjoy) and hoping my husband finishes school soon - which won't happen, at least the soon part.

I catch myself hoping we'll get pregnant at some point. At least it would give me something to do. Then I remember how horrifying the whole thing would be, and then I don't wish it anymore.

I just don't want to get stuck without having some sort of educational accomplishment. You know, a real one.

Benzos + AntiDs

So...I had a difficult day at work, but I'm not sure it's anyone's fault but mine.

For no real reason, tears began to well up in my eyes, and I nearly cried. I would have bawled if I had no control. So I considered, for the rest of the day, going back to benzodiazepines.

Those are the things I took after I realized antidepressants weren't doing it for me.

Which reminded me of someone's question to me earlier in the week: "Why do [mentally ill] people not take their medication?"

Easy. In fact, I'll let you figure it out with a simple google search. The bottom line is: THESE DRUGS HAVE INSANE SIDE EFFECTS. Truly. The reason I even got off of benzos - even though they worked like a charm for my anxiety - was because I noticed memory and speech impairment. Still, my memory and speech have not gone back to normal.

It's extremely scary. Why, when we already have messed up brains, would you want to mess them up more? You solve one problem, but create 10 more in the process!

Employed

I am now employed. I work at a pretty awesome gas station as a cashier. You know, I kind of like it. It is worlds better than the previous job I held at a call center (something everyone says sucks). 95% of the people are really nice and chill. We get regulars and hold conversations with them. It's a job I would love to have if I somehow could not finish a degree and work in the criminal justice field.

It's weird. Some people comment that I am a bit nervous still, but I feel a lot less anxious than I thought I would. I don't know why, but I don't really care either.

The most difficult thing about the job is standing there all day. My feet really hurt after four or five hours, but I do eight hour shifts. It's better than sitting all day though. Another thing is remembering all the little things you have to do when it comes to alcohol, tobacco, and cigarette purchases.

Other than those things though, it is a really fine job. The other employees ask me how I "got stuck" with that job, but gee, I've been a waitress and a call center agent. It doesn't get worse than that.

Luckily, I think I may be good at this job, too. My boss and trainer seem to be really impressed with how quickly I've adapted to the register. My dad also seems impressed - he was able to observe me at a busy time when my shift ended (he was there to pick me up). I know I make mistakes, but it's nice how encouraging everyone is.

My wedding

I don't know why, but as soon as I woke up, I was thinking about my wedding. I have really mixed feelings about it. On one end of the spectrum, I experienced an act of kindness that you only hear about in the news and I realized just how much my family loves me. On the other end, I experienced a level of childishness and animosity that I hope I'll never encounter again.

So, let's start with the good part (because that's the easy part). I had almost literally no money. I had planned on getting married in April 2013, but for school reasons, we expedited it (unexpectedly) to December 2012. I had been planning on saving a little bit of money each month for the dress that I had picked out in October. It was seriously the perfect dress. We all loved how I looked in it. I think it was the 5th dress I tried on, but everyone was sure it was the one. I fell in love with it.

Anyway, my new plan was to have a surprise wedding. I always thought weddings were dumb and overly-fussed about. I don't like being the center of attention, I love my family, and I love parties. It was perfect! So Stephen and I were going to secretly get married in a courthouse and come home to a party and announce the big news. There was no room for a wedding dress in these plans, so I gave it up. It was really the only thing I felt bad about.

Well, my mom found out about our plans when I asked to borrow $30 from my sister (for Costco cakes). She was having none of it, so our plans had to change. The date changed from 12/12/12 to the soonest we could do it 12/26/12. Anyway, at this point I still had no hope of getting that dress. We're not exactly wealthy, so an $800 ensemble was not likely. I decided to just wear my sister's dress.

One morning, however, when I came upstairs to get some sleep, there was my wedding dress, laid out on the bed. I couldn't even believe it. I just bawled of pure joy - for the first time ever. I still don't know who bought that dress for me (I think my mom had something to do with it), but I can't thank them enough. It was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me!

Anyway, another good thing is that my family really came together to make this nice. My sister Mandi made the cake, my sister Katherine did the decorations and flowers, my mom did a whole mess of things, Melissa did my makeup, Travis, Cari, Bear, Caleb, and Dad helped. Most brides complain about these things, but I'm really impressed that they did what they did with what little we had. It really looked nice. I looked nice. The cake and the flowers were perfect. I have no complaints as far as those things go. I'm so grateful to all of them for what they did - I'll never forget it.

Now to the bad stuff. Deep breath, because I'm still really bitter about how this went down. Anyway...I'll start with the drama. I expected it from my family but, surprisingly, most of the drama wasn't from them, it was from my in-laws. Yes, they occasionally voiced their concerns about marrying someone who has no car, no cell phone, and has never left "the nest". It was annoying, but I understood. In-laws though, geez. Where to start?

They're not bad people, some of them just did really stupid, childish, and hurtful things. People get crazy when it comes to weddings, I guess. Anyway, like I've mentioned before, we had no money. There was no way we could afford actual invitations - let alone get them out on time. You think people would understand, but on our wedding day people decided to make a big deal out of it.

The main culprit is Stephen's aunt, who decided it was okay to ream my husband on that day. I can't explain how livid I was that someone who pretends to be an adult would behave in that manner. She dogged on him personally, our choice to invite people via Facebook, and the fact(?) that we forgot to invite his grandmother.

We didn't forget her, we just thought word would get out. And it did. I didn't realize she'd feel uninvited this way. If I had, I would have invited her in person, with flowers and a dance. Seriously, Stephen's grandma is a lovely, wonderful person. And, if that is how she felt, we owed her an apology, but not Stephen's aunt. She acted as though we had murdered someone and that we owed her an apology! And apparently, Stephen had already received a stern email from his mom saying how rude we were being. Of course, he hadn't told me about it. Anyway, that was a fiasco and a half.

By then, his father had already gotten into it. He had been calling us every two days or so to voice his concerns about us. They were more like interrogations, than anything. I understand, we're very young, but Stephen tried to make it clear that he knew what he was doing. Maybe it was out of concern, but it certainly didn't feel like it. It felt like he didn't want us to get married at all.

The worst I felt though, was when Stephen's mom didn't come to our wedding shower. I had a great wedding shower. I was surrounded by good food and my amazing family. I just wish my mother-in-law had been there. What mother-in-law doesn't go to her daughter-in-law's wedding shower? She never said she wasn't coming. I was expecting her. I wanted everyone to meet her. I really couldn't have cared less if she didn't bring anything. It just really hurt.

Anyway, the wedding itself was not what I was expecting. I was scared to death up on the stage. After we were officially married, all I wanted was to get off the stage and have some food. We had to go sign some papers, but then I wanted to eat some food. As soon as I was about to sit down, dad told us to go up to the front.

I did NOT want to go up to the front again, I just wanted to eat! He made everyone say something. I think, if someone had something to say, they'd say it without the pressure. Luckily, a lot of people had nice things to say. Really, really nice things. I just wish we could have shared our first meal together. I wish people could enjoy themselves without having to worry about saying something. I really didn't like how it went, but Dad is just like that - he wants to conduct everything. It's just who he is.

By the time everyone was done and we could finally sit down, my food had been thrown away. Everyone was cleaning up and leaving. That was not something I wanted. I didn't get to spend any real time with my family or my new husband, and that really disappointed me.

Anyway, I'd say it was good for what it was. I married Stephen. 97% of my guests, despite the horrible weather, we able to make it. The cake, makeup, flowers, and decorations were perfect. Our families made it and were great. I discovered just how loved I really am. We got awesome, useful gifts. I sometimes wish I had just gone with my original plan. All of the bad things couldn't possibly have happened if we did that. All the good things...I would probably have missed out on all the good things too, so I really don't know how to feel about it. It was good, it was just unnecessarily stressful.

Ants

There has been a spider in the bathroom for awhile. It's one of those smallish ones that don't hang from the ceiling and freak you out, so I was okay with him. I noticed he (or she?) was wrapping his ant victims and moving them around. At first I felt bad for the ants. Then I felt okay because they were already dead. Then I felt like buying the spider a beer (for lack of a better term). It has never left that web and yet it has three immediately visible ant bodies.

Notice how I said immediately visible? Upon further examination of the spider's surroundings, I noticed an ant massacre had taken place in my absence (sorry ants, but my bladder just doesn't get full that quickly). I judged them immediately as stupid. How can so many ants not notice the (relatively) giant, 8-legged cesspool of ugly looming overhead? Let alone their fallen brethren and sistren's curled corpses laying around?

But now I'm thinking that perhaps so many of them died not because they were stupid, but because they were focused. I mean, really, mortally focused? That's admirable, I don't care what you think. If people did that, we'd get a lot of things done. We'd also be free of an overpopulation problem - not saying that's the proper solution, just pointing out the silver linings here.

It's just dedication. We all know that ants work very hard and they're very strong, but they're also dedicated. They don't care that all they're doing is moving crumbs around and ruining peoples' picnics! They just do what they know they have to do. People sometimes have a hard time with that. I have a hard time with that.

I want to know why I'm doing something. I need to know that there is a purpose. I've never been one to just do what I'm told "because". Because isn't a good reason. And maybe that's something I need to fix.

Mother-in-law

My mother-in-law is a perfect stranger to me, and that's a problem. To make it worse, from what I gather about her from Stephen, we have almost nothing in common. I play viola, she knits and sews. I can't sew, and I'm sure she can't play the viola. She's excellent at math. She likes camping. If I could have it my way, neither of those things would exist. There is one thing we have in common though, and that is non-communication. Yeah, it's bad.

There are two reasons for this:
She doesn't talk. I can understand. I hate small talk and idle chatter as much as the next guy, but I don't think it's that. She just doesn't ever share how she feels, let alone how she feels about anything. At least not to me. She might not be inclined to talk to me. She might just have no interest in a real relationship with me. Or, perhaps, she is scared.

That's my reason. It's not in the sense that I'm scared to share my feelings, it's in the sense that she used to freak the bl**dy H*ll out of me. Like I've said before, I have G.A.D. and a lot of it stems from people. Some people are more triggering than others. She just so happens to be one of them.

It's truly unfortunate, and it's something I'm trying to change. Good news? We're having dinner together sometime soon and, while it surely won't fix everything, it can only help. Baby steps.

Role Model

I have had a lot of teachers in my life. Some of them hold a degree to teach, but most of them just taught. My mom is one of them, my dad, my aunts and uncles, bishops that I've had, young women leaders, friends, enemies, whatever.

But most of my teachers have also been role models. And, as much as I love and appreciate those teachers, there is one who will always stand out to me and that is my CJ 1350 teacher.

I don't expect you to know that class off-the-bat, but it is forensic science. I was excited for that class anyway, because I love forensic science. However, this teacher was something else. I wanted to be him. I wanted to work with him. I wanted him to teach me everything he knew. He taught me a lot, but the thing that stuck with me the most is something that has nothing to do with forensic science.

He always said: "Life is what happens when you make plans."

He said this a lot, because his life had not gone the way he wanted it to. He had "partied [his] way out of college", got an A.S in architecture, became a police officer out of necessity, got a B.S in forensic science, and continued on to his masters. After a long and fascinating career, he retired, got bored, and decided to teach.

I. used. to always. make plans. I planned everything. I made lists in my free time. But I discovered that his words were true through experience. Most of what I have planned throughout my life has not come to pass, but you know what? A lot of other, better things have come along. I will never become an astronaut - as much as I would have loved to. I will not graduate college early. I did not get married in the temple. But you know what? I'm alright with all of these things. It was meant to be and I am happy with who I married, I have accepted that I'm not a good student, and the space program has taken major hits in the past few years.

It just wasn't meant to be. Some things, even though you'd give your left arm for them, just won't happen. My teacher? He ended up leaving the school soon after I did because of a tumor. He was, from what I'd gathered from conversations with him, not at all planning on leaving. And, while it is a tragedy that he isn't teaching anymore, I know he is happy where he is because he has accepted that life happens when you make plans.

People

By the way, I don't feel that way about my IBS anymore. I was thinking about it and, as much as it sucks to have IBS-C, it would probably equally suck to have IBS-D. You know, I occasionally get the opposite and even though I feel empty and like my body is working, it is equally painful. So, it took awhile, but I've come off of my high horse.

Anyway, this post is about how I feel about people. As you can imagine, I have a strange and complex view of people. They scare me, for some reason. I get physical reactions just being around them.What might surprise some of you is that I love people. I really do. I really care about people, especially their well-being and emotional health. If I could be a good, full time philanthropist, I would be.

In a certain special something of mine, it is mentioned that I will find joy in helping others because charity is the pure love of Christ. I believe that (and I believe it is true for everyone).

Sometimes however, I get mad at people. I hate when people kill other people. I hate it when they treat each other badly. I hate when they lie or do the wrong things for the wrong reasons. I hate it when they get selfish or inconsiderate. I hate it when they judge each other.

Obviously, I am not perfect. I have problems too. The thing is that we try. We all struggle, but instead of giving up, we keep going. I like that about us. I know there is good in everyone, and that gives me a great deal of comfort.